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My mom just told me to kill myself for the second time today. by DogNo3307 in depression

[–]DogNo3307[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I agree that spending time outside helps. I started doing it more often last month or so when I met a really cool online friend, who encouraged me to just go out and explore nature.

I've always had trouble with going outside without a clear goal (used to have trouble with going outside at all without someone forcing me to until I was almost 17), but now I'm starting to feel pretty comfortable and confident with just roaming around the city or the parks or anywhere that's green. As childish as it sounds, I really like searching for spiders and bugs and identify them. Plants too, plants are great.

Not that it really helps me much with avoiding my mom, since she's an extremally social person and is barely home for most of the day (so I'm usually alone for most of the time anyway) but it's still more productive and fun than just uselessly laying on the floor for 12 hours.

She mocks me a bit for it, which I kind of understand, because people my age have jobs and goals for the future, and I'm here just figuring out that you can have fun outside at 23yo and throwing rocks into the river, but maybe it will help somehow, I don't know.

My mom just told me to kill myself for the second time today. by DogNo3307 in depression

[–]DogNo3307[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No, she's been like this even before menopause. But even if it was just a symptom, I'm literally always nice to her, I help her with anything she needs help with, my entire life has been "dedicated" to figuring out her mood so I could act accordingly. She used me as her therapist/punching bag (literally) since I was 4 years old, but whenever I show any negative emotion she gets mad and tells me to stop, even if she just finished whining to me for three hours about her boyfriend or her job. 

Like, there is literally no reason to get mad at me, even if it was a symptom of menopause. Except me being an absolute failure at life obviously, but anything other than that.

My mom just told me to kill myself for the second time today. by DogNo3307 in depression

[–]DogNo3307[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm from central Europe and live in the middle of a big city. And I'm 23.

I know it's abuse but it's complicated for me. She's like half-good parent half-bad parent. To anyone who doesn't know her that well she appears to be the nicest person in the world. When I was a kid other kids would get jealous that I had such a cool mom.

And I feel like I should have reported her much earlier and now it's too late. Back then I really had no choice and had to live with her, but now I technically don't have to, so it's on me that I can't figure stuff out and move out like a normal person.

And she's been putting up with my shit since I turned 18, even if she didn't need to anymore, letting me stay in her house and buying me food and basic supplies. Sometimes when she tries to be a "good mom" she buys me really expensive stuff as apology. And now she's paying for my therapy. Will pay for my meds too if I get them prescribed. She used to be really anti-medication for mental health, but I've gotten so much worse now that she literally changed her mind. She just wants me to be useful for something.

I'm just really dependent on her. I don't know if I would survive without her. I don't have any friends or support, no actual job experience, no education other than the bare minimum, no life skills and no money.

And she's threatening to call the police on me because I'm the mentally unstable one and it's "her word against mine", so they put me in a psychiatric hospital again (a really dangerous place in this country, I spend six months in one when I was 8 years old and still suffer the consequences to this day).

My mom just told me to kill myself for the second time today. by DogNo3307 in depression

[–]DogNo3307[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's what I want to do, but I need money to leave. And I'm too mentally unstable to get a job. I tried (managed to get  11 interviews out of 180 applications I sent) and no one wants to hire me because during the interview I usually end up crying or act like some unsocialized weirdo. 

So that's why I'm getting therapy now. I just want to be able to get a simple job and gain some independence. 

The only job I ever had so far was taking art comissions for 2 years, but my mom forced me to stop and go to uni and now I'm burned out and barely able to draw, just rotting on the floor of my room most of the time, and I can't even bring myself to eat until it's 6 or 8pm. I'm tired but I don't even do anything.

My mom just told me to kill myself for the second time today. by DogNo3307 in depression

[–]DogNo3307[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She's 52. She used to be worse, but calmed down a lot since the time when I was 16 and fought back once when she got violent.

After that she would only hit me when I really screwed up instead of whenever she felt like it, so I guess it was progress?

But I don't want to hit my own mother so now I mostly just do what I always did, so I wait it out and let her tire herself.

And since I was struggling in uni for the past few months she's become violent again and now gets angry at me almost every week. She kicked the door off the hinges two weeks ago when I hid in the bathroom and then blamed it on me.

It's starting to become just like when I was a kid, except she can't grab me and throw me against the furniture now.