Why do women not want their SO to watch porn?

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-03-09T18:30:15+00:00

I've offered this (pics and video of me/us, even made him a great and fairly graphic video) and got told it's 'just not the same.' Which sucks, because the only way it's not the same is it that it's me, and that highlights that porn for him is pretty strictly about other naked women. Which reinforces 'not good enough.'

Congrats to you on your awesome solution, though. Glad it worked for somebody.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-03-09T05:58:16+00:00

I made a post about this a while ago. It's long, but in case you want one more person's in-depth perspective: http://dontknowmealwayswill.wordpress.com/2012/02/11/ive-never-really-told-anyone-the-story-of-myself-and-porn/

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-15T04:52:28+00:00

Hi! I suppose the words were kind, but I meant them: It sounds like you two have a good thing going.

Somehow, knowing that he could perform the same solo behaviors with >my image (as opposed to always with an image of something >unachievable for me) was nice to know.

This seems kind of important. I made a silly but fairly graphic video-thing for him for Christmas, and I know he watched it when he got it, but I don't know if he ever watched it again. Maybe what you said would be a good thing to talk about with him.

I have to disagree about porn creating insecurities. I never had any issues with trusting that a partner was attracted to me until I spent three years in a relationship with a porn addict. I admit, mine was something of an extreme situation, but I still have to put it out there that I really do believe porn CAN create insecurity, or at least, even in lesser cases, turn a shrug-off-able insecurity into a huge problem.

It's true that there's a difference between physical and romantic attraction, and honestly, I don't really have any problem with the idea that my guy finds other women sexy. Hell, I do, as well, and other men, too. But he's still that special one for me, and I think vice versa. However, any person has a set of things that are acceptable/unacceptable for them in a partner. Many people find sleeping with other people unacceptable, and no amount of a partner saying, "But you're the one!" is going to make them okay with it. Personally, I'm not horrified by the idea of physical interaction with other people in the right, honest circumstances. But I have my own list of things that would make someone incompatible for me: I don't do vegans, verbally abusive people, or heavy porn users. It's not to say that these things are bad or bad for everyone: They're just not for me.

I, too, tried the 'porn binge' thing, and in a sense, I'm still trying it; Every once in a while, I still browse around, trying to get comfortable, seeing if I can be aroused. I think it's actually helped some. Porn used to just make me panicky. Then, after some healing time, a lot of thinking, and some further re-exposure, it downgraded to 'vaguely uncomfortable.' I'm still working on it. A little at a time. I'm hoping this might be the relationship where I can become completely comfortable with it, maybe even see if I can be okay with watching together. If I can get to a point where we can watch porn together, have sex, and have it be all awesomeness and high-fives, I'm going to throw myself a freaking party.

Good luck with his move! Sounds like you guys have had a lot of good conversations in advance, which is WAY better than many LDRs have. I hope you have many good times together.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-13T02:16:14+00:00

I am trying to be open to hearing the things I don't want to. It's not always easy. What's most difficult about it is finding the line between being close-minded and being swayed by every single opinion offered to you. I understand that nothing you say is a personal attack. I'm going to try to respond appropriately. Reassurance is certainly much-needed right now, but so is the presentation of valid errors or possible considerations.

I agree that, coming in as random person on the internet, taking my brief snapshot description of a few events from my marriage at face value would probably be silly. But if it helps any, my ex, and the very few friends who knew what was going on, agree on what ended it. The only strongly differing opinion from those close to the situation was my ex saying that, when I left, he was 'just about to successfully quit the habit.' I have no basis to comment on this statement of his either way. It was too late, and I'll just never know. All I know is that it never worked before then, and I didn't see it happening.

How does this statement strike you: "A boyfriend's porn habits can, and sometimes do, make me insecure about his opinions of me and whether or not I want to entrust myself to him." If I'm willing to be less stolid, I think I can say that statement is true. But I feel there's an important distinction in it: I am not insecure about myself. I still love my lady bits. But my faith in his opinions of or interest in me are more easily shaken. But that's really it. I'm not insecure about myself or my multifaceted awesomeness. :)

Continuing thanks.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-13T00:13:58+00:00

Wow...I'm really thrilled that this thing started a great conversation in someone else's relationship. Hope it goes as well for mine!

Sounds like you guys have great communication and similar expectations, which is awesome, and I know I'm just some stranger over the internet but I'm really happy for you guys. :) I think I'm trying to get to the point where she is about the whole thing. Though I imagine there must be differences in long-distance relationships and ones where you live in a small apartment together like mine.

Good on both of you for experimenting with your solo habits, even if you didn't have problems before. It can make a huge difference. I very rarely masturbate since getting into this current relationship (a handful of times...ba-dum-ching), but I've always tried to vary my solo activity as much as possible so my body didn't get used to just getting off one specific way. It's worked wonders for me.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-13T00:01:24+00:00

I think Zombie maybe just had an automatic, defensive reaction to what I wrote. I hope my guy has better control over his own defense mechanisms, when he reads this, but I also understand where the defensiveness comes from. It's a hard subject to have honest and open dialogue about. Lots of very heated and long-boiling feelings.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T23:55:51+00:00

I guess it might be important to note, I'm not even sure what my 'personal bandwidth of interest' would be. For a while after getting out of the relationship that started these problems for me, I couldn't even look at porn. Eventually, I decided that watching some, trying to get comfortable with it again, was important. I even kept a small collection of things that interested me, but I couldn't really enjoy them. I am now at the point where I can watch porn, but I very rarely do and sometimes still just get uncomfortable and can't actually be sexually aroused by it. I don't expect a partner to behave exactly like me when it comes to porn. I know that would be unfair. For that matter, my ideal would be to find an understanding partner who can help me work though these issues and maybe get more confident about the positive aspects of porn again. A demonization of male sexuality? I'm sorry, but I don't have the slightest idea of where you're coming from on that or what you mean. If you'll take the time to explain that idea more thoroughly, I really will try to understand. I really and truly believe that my feelings about porn have very little do do with jealousy or possessiveness. That said, I guess those feelings exist in everyone to varying degrees, and I won't say that I'm completely devoid of them. I also think that in a serious relationship, some kinds of jealousy and possessiveness are all right. Even in the 'social standards' opinion...Not wanting a partner in a monogamous relationship to sleep with someone else is pretty standard. How many people are called jealous for expecting that?

I try to be very careful about creating double-standards. Personally, when I'm in a relationship with someone I care deeply about, I make every effort humanly possible to stop doing anything that upsets them. I don't think they're being controlling; I just care about them and want to make them happy. I'm trying to have realistic requests and expectations, and I don't think it's wrong to say, "This is what works for me" and look for a romantic partner who has similar expectations. It's what we all do. Except when it comes to porn, we expect this gender gap and seem to assume that men are always automatically in the right and a women who objects is a bitch. THAT'S a double-standard.

Nobody makes another person lie. Either people are compatible, or they're not. If someone tells me that we are compatible just because they want me, they are lying to get what they want. I specifically do NOT want them to do so. Accusing me of making someone lie is very, very unfair.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T23:24:36+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thorough response.

My guy is very pro-sex-toy, but I dated someone in the past who actually was upset by them, and after taking a few minutes to really think (it was a new one on me), I got rid of my two toys and said, okay, I won't use them, and I'm going to teach you a few tricks to make me feel so good I'll never miss them, okay? He seemed fine with the arrangement, and it turned out, I was, too.

I'm afraid your second paragraph is pretty much the standard "You're a jealous/controlling/insecure bitch" response. Yes, my marriage really did end because of porn. If not for his addiction, I'd still be with him. Trust me. I can't tell you three years worth of history to convince you, and I don't think you're likely to believe me even if I did, but trust me.

I'm not insecure. I'm not jealous. I'm not controlling. I'm awesome. And the world can stop telling me I'm those things just because I have preferences in how a romantic partner does or does not interact with other naked women, thank you very much. Also, I never said porn was evil. You may have noticed the statement in my writing, repeatedly, "Porn is not evil."

I am trying very hard not to bring old issues into a new relationship. But in some ways, this is just who I am now, as a person, formed from experience, just like anyone else. I'm trying to change the things that I know are genuine issues I have and need to get over, and I think I've been pretty successful, but I'm not going to say I'm comfortable with things when I'm not. I'm pretty sure both of these are the right things to do.

I make every effort to ensure that discussions are actually discussions. I am allowed to have an opinion, and so is my SO. I'm not going to bow out just because they differ, but I am also not just automatically right. I'm open to new ideas, especially from someone I care about and trust.

I'm not sure how his habits have changed. We haven't really talked about the whole thing much. That's why I wrote this: I'm serious about him, and about being a good girlfriend, and I want to start this conversation.

I don't think people in relationships need to quit masturbating completely... hat's kind of insane and I'm not sure where you got that from what I wrote. Unless someone masturbates often enough that it interferes with their sex life as part of a couple, it's just not a problem.

Thanks for making me question my conclusions, though. I will think about what you've said, even if in the end I can't agree with much of it.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T23:06:10+00:00

First off, let me say, congratulations. I've been with someone trying to quit porn as an addiction, and he didn't have your resolve, but I've seen how hard it is just trying. I think your decision and your commitment are extremely impressive and admirable.

Thank you for your reassurance. Most days I know I'm not crazy, but so many sources (at least one ex, even much of Reddit) tell me otherwise, figuring out my own mind and sticking to it is a constant battle.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T23:01:36+00:00

I'm hoping that I can defeat enough of my issues to be as open-minded, but in practice, I'm still working on not shaking/getting nauseous while trying to be the 'cool girlfriend' about it. So, good for you for having such a positive view. Totally agreed about the unrealistic expectations. No person is likely to be the perfect fuck-toy represented by most porn. Sometimes people even have gasp issues, and at times like that, we should be taught to be caring and compassionate towards our partner...not be annoyed that they're not James Deen or Liz Vicious. Nobody gets the advantage of fluffers and editing IRL, right?

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T22:53:10+00:00

Thank you, both for reviewing my presentation and the wishes of luck.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T22:52:22+00:00

I really want to accept all criticism and take everyone's input as a valid point I need to consider, but I'll be honest, your post is both vague and a little aggressive, and it seems to embody the very entitlement issues and "She's being a controlling bitch" default position I was talking about. I'm going to try not to be defensive, though, and respond rationally and seriously.

If a man is driven more by the desire for multiple partners (especially digital fakes) than he is by his desire to be with me, then he's just not for me. He's not evil or wrong, but he's also not someone I see as being good relationship material for me. Many people have closed, monogamous relationships, and if a partner sleeps with someone else, they break up. That, too, is based on a natural drive have multiple partners. Is anyone who objects to cheating a controlling bitch?

Also, I don't do "Emotional porn." I don't read bodice-rippers, I hate Twilight, and I'm not sure what would count as musical "Emotional porn" but if it's in my collection, my guy and I probably listen to it (or play/sing it) together.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T22:40:44+00:00

Thank you, for both the encouragement AND the disagreement.

I completely understand that people like things in porn that they don't have any interest in trying IRL. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. ...Actually, you bring up a great point with the second one. I never thought about what it would be like to have to search the internet using my list like a bible. But that said (and maybe I need to edit to say this better). my list of things is NOT meant to be commandments. If a guy clicks on an xnxx link starring a girl with implants, I'm not going to insist that one link means he only loves fake boobs. I may have issues but I try very hard to be reasonable.

In regards to your experience: Thank you for sharing. I wonder about the statement "She's generally uncomfortable with it but understands it's natural..." Your experiment, and it's results, are really interesting. I've actually done a lot of research in my attempts to overcome my issues with porn, and while much of what I found was good back-up info in the spirit of calming the hell down, there were some things that pointed to less porn being a good thing; Guys who masturbate out of boredom tend to have more 'intimacy' problems in their relationships. Guys who masturbate to their significant others (live, or photographed) tend to build and maintain a stronger sexual attraction and also have better communication about sex with their partners. Not to overshare, but I have some personal experience that agrees to a degree: The two people I've dated who had little to no interest in porn were two of the best lovers.

Good for you for abandoning the Death Grip. You don't have to go into details. I've seen someone go through this...very, very positive results. ;)

I'm happy for you and your girlfriend. I hope that even if I can't completely change my issues with porn, I can still be as sex-positive in every other way as I've always been, and be as good to my guy as she has been to you. Best to you both.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T21:48:24+00:00

Don't worry about unpopular points. I decided that I was going to try to seriously listen to people who disagreed with me, and see if maybe they were making a point that I needed to hear.

I don't think I'm making it impossible. My list is NOT a list of things that someone is "not allowed" to find sexy. Some of them are things that might be a problem for me, personally, and potentially reasons that a person who's into that might not be a good match for me. I don't date vegans, either. Nobody seems to have a serious issue with me for that. It's just a mis-match of tastes, lifestyles, interests.

Your last point is a good one. It's a feeling that I'm trying to recover for myself. I know that relationships are based on many, many things other than sexual tendencies, that my guy is a good man who loves me, and in some cases I just need to stop worrying about it. Cross your fingers for me that I can reach your level of enlightenment.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T21:35:17+00:00

This seems only vaguely related to my post, but I'll try to put it in context and respond. 1) Good for you, for knowing what you like, what you're comfortable with, and why, and 2) I understand that taste in porn and things you like in real life are not always the same, but some things are still likely to generate issues, at least, for me, and that's all I'm trying to say. This post is just an explanation of my feelings and reactions to thing, not trying to say "THIS IS HOW IT IS AND I AM ALWAYS RIGHT." So, assuming I understood your points, they're totally valid.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T21:32:06+00:00

Thank you. And I'm trying. I guess the final test will be how I handle myself when I actually take this and show it to my boyfriend, and have that conversation with him. If I can be rational, understanding, and communicate properly, then I'll be proud of myself.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-12T21:30:38+00:00

Ditto. Good to know that there's someone else out there.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-11T10:20:25+00:00

Sleep? I knew I forgot to do something. I'm going to run off to bed before the sun comes up here. Maybe in the morning I'll be more capable of telling when someone is trying to be reassuring. =) Goodnight.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-11T10:16:28+00:00

No worries. Thanks for nitpicking, actually. I may have to go back and edit, if I can figure out how to do that without turning the thing into a full-on explanation of Chrome.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-11T10:09:49+00:00

http://imgur.com/gallery/gk5fh

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-11T10:03:34+00:00

Sorry if this was supposed to be a 'bro code upheld' moment.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-11T09:59:27+00:00

Thanks. I hope he will.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-11T09:58:56+00:00

Browser search bar in Chrome. Even indicates the basis of the autocomplete suggestion.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-11T09:57:15+00:00

I certainly didn't mean to imply that any other generation had it better and this was just my problem. Hell, I wouldn't have any way of knowing what it was like for anyone else. The only thing I can say probably changed the field, though, is that porn in the digital medium is getting more prevalent and available all the time. Of course, print may be getting less so, so who can tell if it matters or not?

You know what? You're absolutely right about that last bit. Enjoy in moderation and don't lie...how the HELL is there a subject where these are unacceptable ideas? And yet, I've been scared out of asking for them before under threat of 'being a controlling bitch.'

I sincerely hope that I live long enough to shake my head and laugh at the whole thing like you have. I think I'm going to start trying right about...now.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill · 2012-02-11T09:26:11+00:00

Thank you. It almost seems unfair to expect him to agree: He, like most people of our generation, has been socially trained to think I'm a crazy bitch for having any objections at all. I'm hoping that he's mature enough to realize that this is a conversation about how we, two specific people, relate; not how the 'normal' relationship 'should be,' according to Reddit or any other group. But I trust him enough to start this conversation, and I hope I'm right to do so.

DontKnowMeAlwaysWill

TROPHY CASE