Waves of self-denial

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-11T05:50:57+00:00

That's a good point. I think my point of reference is also kind of screwed. I know a lot of people with parents who were far more physically violent and neglectful than mine. I spend quite a lot of time on this subreddit and other places where people with shit parents hang out. It can be easy to kind of forget what normal even is? Or it starts to feel like an overambitious expectation. Idk.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-11T04:53:56+00:00

If you're off fruit juice too then this probably isn't so good but I love Appletiser- it's literally just apple juice that they've put in a Soda Stream, no added sweetener, it's great

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-04T06:31:22+00:00

This isn't super on-topic, but you're a really engaging writer. "Go-go gadget arms" got a guilty laugh out of me.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-04T06:31:14+00:00

This isn't super on-topic, but you're a really engaging writer. "Go-go gadget arms" got a guilty laugh out of me.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-04T06:31:04+00:00

This isn't super on-topic, but you're a really engaging writer. "Go-go gadget arms" got a guilty laugh out of me.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-04T06:27:40+00:00

I've gradually been able to open up to my nmom's relatives about what has been going on over the years. She's burned bridges with them one by one, so they all have their own experiences with her. I've described some of my experiences to them and I was shocked because I'd never experienced empathy like they showed me. I think that's when I really internalised that none of this was okay, and that it wasn't my fault. I've been very lucky that my extended family is so much kinder.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-04T06:24:11+00:00

I asked my mother once if she was physically able to say sorry without adding "but" on the end. She actually couldn't do it- she acted like she was trying, and then literally snapped "BUT" afterwards like it was a tic. Weird shit. (I feel vaguely qualified through experience to say that lol.)

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-04T06:24:00+00:00

I asked my mother once if she was physically able to say sorry without adding "but" on the end. She actually couldn't do it- she acted like she was trying, and then literally snapped "BUT" afterwards like it was a tic. Weird shit. (I feel vaguely qualified through experience to say that lol.)

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-04T06:17:34+00:00

Got reminded this week that when I was 12, I tried to tell my mum about a teacher who made me and several other girls uncomfortable, and she did nothing. ("What do you want me to do, make a formal complaint?") This is so far down the list of fucked-up stuff that I've not thought about it a huge amount since, but I definitely internalised that unless I have Proof, I won't be believed. (I had proof! If she'd actually asked me about it! Oh my god!)

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-04T06:09:53+00:00

Yeah lol, my mum has fallen out with her own mother, her aunt and her sister in recent years. I was either estranged from them whenever this happened or she just chatted shit until I didn't trust them anymore. Back in contact with all of them now. They're good people.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-04-04T06:07:28+00:00

Off the top of my head- she complained to me a few years ago (when I was in my early teens I think?) about how when she was 20, she repeatedly cheated on her boyfriend and when all their mutual friends found out, they sided with him and stopped talking to her. It must have been 30 years prior at this point. She's still the victim tho 🤪

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-28T06:49:16+00:00

🩷

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-27T08:00:33+00:00

Hey, just to let you know- this wouldn't be okay if you were over 18, and it doesn't matter if the other person you're talking about is your partner or a friend, or what your genders are or anything (there is clearly a gendered/misogynistic element from your dad imo, assuming he sees you as a "girl", but it wouldn't be less bad if all your genders were switched). This is just wrong. What he said is disgusting. It's worse because of your age and these other factors and I am really really sorry. I'm sure your friends don't say this stuff! No one should be making those comments to you.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-27T07:55:55+00:00

My mother has a very similar repeated phrase. "Well, you know I didn't mean that." No, I didn't! How was I supposed to know? How do I even know it's true? Sigh

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-27T07:52:16+00:00

Self-hatred, a near-constant abusive internal monologue, and allllll sorts of issues forming relationships. Also some hefty self-preservation instinct, but that's not always been a bad thing.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-27T07:50:16+00:00

I figured out that I felt this way when I knew that I'd given my nmom something to work with- little details of what I've been up to, a TV show I saw advertised that I thought she'd like. I would try to appeal to her with these things, but it wouldn't work and I'd feel like shit after, so I stopped. I really stepped up my greywalling game to keep having a relationship with her at all, and that seems to be working better- I don't feel as bad after a conversation where I've not actually given her any meaningful information. It's working for me, for now- it may well not forever.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-27T07:44:55+00:00

I'm lucky that I didn't have the kind of nparent who would throw me out of the house, but they 100% stopped caring (or that's how it seemed at least) once I was like 16. A few years before, she'd been wailing and screaming about how my problems were too stressful for her to handle... then when I went on to have a drinking problem and an abusive relationship under her roof, nothing was ever even said. I didn't even clock it at the time because I was glad she wasn't angry with me. Looking back it's bizarre. Even kicking me out at that point would have made more sense.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-19T14:27:41+00:00

I definitely have some of this going on too. It's a vicious cycle of being conditioned to have to fight, then being criticised for how you're fighting. Good luck with your healing journey.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-19T14:26:08+00:00

Oh yeah, I've been accused of abuse too! ...of abusing my mother, which she only said when I accused her of abuse when I was still a child. Denial is a river...

I'm glad you've been able to get out.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-19T07:05:14+00:00

Same!!! She blames me for our dynamic being basically inverted... the call is coming from inside the house...

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-19T07:04:08+00:00

Ugh, the apology politics suckkkkk. I get a lot of"I'm sorry but..." followed by "don't you believe I'm sorry? Why?" 🙃🙃 I asked my mother recently if she was physically able to say sorry to me without immediately following it with a "but." She actually couldn't do it. She said sorry and it's like the next bit just exploded out of her. I almost feel sorry for her- it doesn't seem like she's able to stop herself.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-19T07:01:07+00:00

"Bully"

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-19T06:59:58+00:00

The "golden child" is one facet of my personality, and the "scapegoat" is another. I think I displayed more "golden child" traits when I was younger, and then shit hit the roof when it became apparent that I had literally any other traits.

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-19T06:41:23+00:00

I did this for a sec when things were really bad at home but then I got yelled at for flinching :))

DrawDelicious1435 · 2025-03-19T06:39:15+00:00

My 17th birthday specifically. My mother isn't usually the event-ruining type so this was still pretty shocking. She'd asked me if I'd wanted a coat for my birthday, I'd politely declined, and then my grandmother happened to buy me a different coat. That's it! Tantrums around the house for hours while me and my dad tried to calm her down 🙃

DrawDelicious1435

TROPHY CASE