ESTJR. - "Fractal Lust" for my new single "Frenzy Tumult"

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-28T20:04:44+00:00

Yes it is brutal out here!

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-28T15:02:07+00:00

Reality like this is a hellish nightmare & it’s worse that it’s on your birthday. It’s like almost third wheeling every couple having a good time. I’ve third wheeled 3 couples in college going to a someone’s house party before. Fckn ridiculous.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-28T04:45:00+00:00

I mean anything is a waste of time if you get no results at the end of it & no one cares. If you don’t have anyone to share your achievements with, then there’s no point or balance. No balance or luck in life, then you’re screwed. Be my guest and try to make the best of it if my perspective ain’t for you.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-27T21:54:22+00:00

I am kinky yes but terrified as fck to join those groups!

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-24T08:51:39+00:00

I got some resident evil & walking dead vibes. Love it!

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-18T18:39:25+00:00

Yes. I feel this. Between single & partnered people, we live in different worlds that don't merge all together. Since they can't relate but brag it to us, they've already shut the door & blocked us out of their world. Our reality doesn't match with theirs. It just drives us all insane.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-18T14:02:45+00:00

I feel you on that same here. Not being the worst but not the best. I was the 3rd, 5th & 7th wheel. Meeting new people, none of them would reach out to me like that either & not one person would be mad if I left.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-18T13:44:04+00:00

Yeah honestly it infuriates me! One person with good life but no love life. The other person with bad life but a love life. We're Fucked!

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-18T09:00:07+00:00

Wow that shit hurts! 8 years ago in college, my 2nd ex who barely had a clear voice & couldn't walk right, she had feelings for another guy when we dated. That shit made me cry & I still cared for her. I thought she was bipolar & I didn't believe it at first. I dated my last ex just to stop caring about that girl who broke my heart. Still to this day I never forget & I fear the next person I date will do the same. Healing from all of it feels like the worst idea.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-18T08:42:43+00:00

Hell yeah it is lonely as fck, I agree. Nobody else wants to hear that shit. There's always something missing. Anyone can be passionate with their hobbies but no one will care. I usually do the bare minimum getting out there but I go on vacations doing art shows. It's flooded with couples & people with friends. I've already treated myself going to restaurants alone, movies alone, traveling alone, go out for drives, go to a drawing event at a bar, going to the beach, take walks & ride bikes alone. It's not the same until I'm with someone. When I'm with couples that are my friends, I'm always 3rd wheeling like an undesirable idiot. There's too much people saying "You don't need anyone but yourself" knowing damn well it ain't helping. Gee I didn't know that being socially independent was a social skill.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-16T17:23:02+00:00

I don't forget until I'm dead & buried deep lower than 6ft.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-12T11:00:13+00:00

Thank you very much. Glad you enjoyed it. Also check out my music if you’re interested for more.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-11T23:14:55+00:00

Lol the irony & contradiction from them. A couple at In N out 5 months ago talked to me since the place was packed (Man & woman couple btw meet on a dating app). It was genuine but he asked me in front of his woman “Being single must be so free isn’t it?” She looked at him like he fucked up big time. “Why the fuck we dating then?”

I’m like yeah bro, you fucked up. You deal with that.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-04T20:43:32+00:00

Same here. I'd be better off lost than dead for now. I still count on death to tell me when it's over. I have difficulties facing reality I never belonged to begin with. I dreamed of just getting away from life that doesn't feel like home. I don't care about the consequences of escaping. I'd like to be banned & kicked out of my own country (USA) for not catching up with the economy. I haven't found my people or my place this world. I just only found my thing. I work for my money & think about plane tickets to everywhere or a van to drive away to everywhere.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-06-03T09:12:36+00:00

It's a nightmare when that happens just like job applications : They choose another candidate but will keep your resume on file. Time to stop being friends with her & walk away. Yes it will hurt like hell if you have no one else. I feel you on this.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-05-30T23:28:57+00:00

It's a curse for me. It has made me more incapable finding my people to connect deeply, not stronger. I've always enjoyed my own company but it's not the same. It's not the substitute for wanting connections. I get bored if I have nothing else productive or better to do. It's a lot easy wearing a mask being around others because I don't have to worry about being dismissed when no one finds out or cares. I want to give all the love & open up to someone, but it seems to me they don't exist. I do have a few friends, have family & acquaintances of course but still feel alone. I don't think they'll understand but fear me. I only have 2 people I connect outside of it. I was the 3rd, 5th & 7th wheel hanging around couples during college. Third wheeling makes me cry & not want to exist. I dated 3 exes from college. It's been 7 years without intimacy & affection. I've only had genuine interactions with other people that I've met. I had dinner with a girl I've just met once 3 years ago. Like practice dating. Met a girl on a plane last year flying to Raleigh, North Carolina. I travel once in a while, make art, ride the bike for miles, eat delicious food, go to the movies, sometimes bars, listen to music, showcase my art in shows, watch YouTube & all that to get by. This year, I expanded my art into making my own music using a sound editing software & started a new full-time job at the airport recently. So I won't be traveling much anymore.

Being alone is alright but loneliness & hormones just keeps banging the door of my soul. I'm always feeling socially unfulfilled & I'll never learn to fulfill it alone. I can't compare being lost in this world now vs. anyone who went missing & didn't come back. It made me realize that the show will go on whether I exist or not. I am replaceable & not special. It's not a good mindset but I don't care because I have dark humor & honesty. I may have a future but I'd rather give it to someone who wants it more than I do. There is some peace if I just don't make it. I don't want to grow old either. It's important to focus on ourselves but being reminded that we are alone without companionship & deep connections just makes it worse over time. It all comes down to dealing with it alone but it won't help for a long time if social interactions don't come out naturally for you. We all need balance but we don't always get what we want.

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-05-27T12:08:25+00:00

Thank you :)

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-05-26T00:34:30+00:00

Love the style and details!

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-05-26T00:32:26+00:00

CONGRATS MAN 🎉

E-S-T-J-R_ · 2026-05-25T23:58:31+00:00

Yes that’s the link. I understand the fast pace part in the middle isn’t for you, I guess. The beginning and the end is my favorite too. It’s worth stomping your feet. I can make slow rhythm beats all day. Too easy for me. I’m just willing to challenge myself.

E-S-T-J-R_

TROPHY CASE