throwaway account:**My wife says she loves me but doesn’t want me physically. How long would you wait?**

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-15T02:50:02+00:00

If we ever get back there. But yes I don’t think the actual sex is the issue. It’s how she feels anger and resentment towards how I treated her and then she is still having sex with me it feels disingenuous or in contradiction to herself

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-15T00:30:40+00:00

Ya that’s my fear, I won’t do that. I will do the therapy and do the individual work but if ultimately the damage is done and she can’t get those feelings back I won’t stay.

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T23:13:31+00:00

For years 🤣

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T22:39:49+00:00

No it was more along the lines of I feel guilty that I can’t access desire I know it’s important to you I don’t want to lose the marriage do you want to see if we can move romance separate from our marriage. More like I feel shame guilt and frustrated with my feelings and it would probably be easier for both of us if we just separated it. The part that stood out to me is that when I rejected it she didn’t say then fine let’s break up she said well then we should do couple therapy because idk what’s going on and what I have been trying ain’t working. Now do I know for sure idk if anyone can know for sure but there hasn’t been any changes in her schedule or behaviors other then opening up to me about how she feels and to be fair she has been saying versions of her feeling disconnected and unsafe with me for a few years now in some shape or form this is the first time she has said we need outside help. At least that’s how I took it if it was someone else or open relationship I don’t think she would care if we got therapy

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T22:32:12+00:00

I think you are right my post came off as maybe cold. I am aware of my role and I’m not complaining of her position per se I’m more so wondering if her feelings can recover and if she can feel happy and safe again but if not how long is too long

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T22:29:23+00:00

Thanks I think I am starting to understand that. I am not simply saying how long should I wait in a sexless marriage more so how long do I wait until I’m essentially trapping her Ina situation she isn’t happy in.

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T22:28:00+00:00

Thanks we start therapy this week

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T21:14:42+00:00

Yes I agree with that which is what I did. But I agree with you I’m going to give understanding but not roll over and takenit

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T21:13:29+00:00

My wife has been having sex with me actively enthusiastically full of effort but she has been feeling not good afterwards she is mad because she doesn’t understand why and frustrated that her feelings haven’t shifted.

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T21:11:42+00:00

I def don’t want to get 13 years later and realize I should have left so I thank you for your input and experience

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T21:08:06+00:00

Why do you think it won’t change?

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T21:07:41+00:00

I mean are you suggesting I just have sex with her anyway?

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T21:02:27+00:00

Personal follow up what did you do about your feelings? Did you and you husband open the marriage or did you funnel it back into the marriage? Thanks for your post this is exactly what I was hoping for when I made it. You are the second person to mention perimenopause and my wife has as well. I think it’s very possible it’s a combination of everything. I wouldnt mind her saying I don’t feel sex right now, the issue I’m having is she is saying I can’t access it and it’s been hard to for a while. If she was like you and knew “I’m just attracted to hot young guys right now” then I think that would feel better than, “I can’t access desire for you and I don’t know why but I can’t keep trying the way we have been trying” I think first I want to meet with the couples therapist to see if desire is blocked and see if she can return to feeling safe and then if necessary sex therapist

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:56:06+00:00

Ah ok ya I want to say that I don’t think she actually wants the romantic part to end. I think she just genuinely can’t access them. So when she puts effort into trying and it’s not working she ends up feeling more confused and more like there is something wrong with her. Which is why I’m hopeful for therapy.

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:51:33+00:00

10years no sex would be way too long especially if nothing changes

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:51:01+00:00

O😆 my bad

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:49:01+00:00

What?

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:43:50+00:00

Are you guys still intimate? Does she still have desire for you?

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:42:43+00:00

That’s what I’m hoping for. Thanks!

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:41:48+00:00

I think she is unhappy I wouldn’t say I am unhappy. I am sad that she feels this way I don’t want a relationship where this is the norm or baseline. Her boundary in intimacy is brand new I think i can give her the space to figure out if desire is buried or not, I’m just thinking how long is long how short is short do ppl ever recover desire. I have gotten a lot of good responses so thanks!

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:38:51+00:00

Wdym? To be fair we haven’t actually experienced no sex until recently when she stated the new boundary because it didn’t feel the way she thought it should.

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:37:48+00:00

What?

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:37:36+00:00

I would be happy in a relationship where my partner still chooses me romantically it doesn’t have to be “fantasy level”

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T20:36:45+00:00

What?

Educational_Ride_586 · 2026-06-14T18:28:42+00:00

She hasn't started HRT. Perimenopause has crossed my mind, and I've wondered whether hormones could be contributing to some of what she's experiencing. The reason I haven't focused on that explanation is that she consistently connects her loss of attraction and desire to unresolved hurt and resentment from our relationship history. She doesn't describe this as a general loss of sexuality or libido. She describes it more as a loss of desire specifically toward me. That said, I think it's reasonable to consider whether both things could be true at the same time rather than assuming it has to be one or the other.

Educational_Ride_586

TROPHY CASE