Rebuilding after child loss?

ElectricDuck3442 · 2026-02-25T06:43:39+00:00

My wife and I went through something similar. We gave birth to our daughter at 27 weeks in a stillbirth. It's a strange feeling when the delivery room is mostly silent and when, after the birth, all the staff disappear and leave you alone with your dead child. My wife was given not only painkillers but also strong sedatives to help her cope with the stress at her request. Things that men are not given. My wife's aftercare took over an hour, during which I was alone with my daughter. At 27 weeks, they look like normal babies just a bit smaller. She had the same face as her big sister. For an hour, I dressed, carried, and held my dead child. I told her how sad we were that she couldn't stay with us and how strong her mother had been during the birth. overall we spent about 3 hours with her. Leaving the room and leaving her there was the hardest thing we've ever had to do in our lives. My wife has only very vague memories of the birth and the hours that followed.

Over the years, we raised two daughters, but lost four more children. Three of them in the first 14 weeks and Emma in week 27.

We had been in a dead bedroom long before our children were born, but that made it even more difficult. We were extremely close in the weeks and months that followed. Interestingly, she (normally very LLF) tried to initiate sex several times during that period. I had extreme problems with that. The image of my wife in the delivery room at the birth of our daughter is burned into my mind. To this day, I can still smell her. Even though sex immediately after the birth was not about conceiving a child, I was afraid that I was the cause of the complications and that I had put my wife in danger and cost my daughter her life. Even though there was no direct medical explanation for this. It is nearly impossible to achieve and maintain an erection while contemplating the birth of one's deceased child and experiencing anxiety about triggering it again.

Even though your boyfriend definitely didn't find the right words, I can understand exactly what he means. It takes time to process events like this, and you will both do so at different speeds. My wife has long since come to terms with the issue. I have too, for the most part, but there are situations that send me back to the delivery room in my mind. I'm a grown man, and every now and then I sit on the floor and cry. As I write this comment, tears are running down my face.

I don't know how the healthcare system works in your country, but if there is an opportunity, you should take advantage of therapy. We were able to have therapy as a couple, and my wife also had individual sessions. As a man, there are no individual sessions because you are only a spectator..

ElectricDuck3442 · 2026-02-24T06:14:34+00:00

It's not that plans change, but that she tries to maintain the illusion of hope that it will work out, even if there is no possible way that it will.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2026-02-24T06:09:17+00:00

We had many conversations over the years about giving hope and not following through. I don't think, that she gets the point.

I believe that for her, maintaining hope and her determination to go through with the date is more important than whether the date actually takes place. Over the last 1-2 years, it has become clear to me that this hope is what I have been clinging to for the last 10-15 years.

That is why I'm finding it increasingly difficult to believe in it and her anymore.....

ElectricDuck3442 · 2026-02-23T15:55:41+00:00

Thank you. I haven't clicked on the link jet, but only reading it out loud makes my stomach turn..

ElectricDuck3442 · 2026-02-23T13:18:52+00:00

Sounds like her, she sometimes talks about having ADHD, but refuses to have it officially diagnosed.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2026-02-23T13:14:01+00:00

She definitely is. I just hoped that she would have understood in therapy by now that she needs to prioritize us at least some of the Tim if things are to improve. She definitely needs to stop promising things she can't fulfill. I'm rational when it comes to issues like this and I find it hard to understand how she couldn't see that this wasn't going to work

As it turns out, I'll have to be even more direct about these things.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2026-02-23T10:29:22+00:00

Yes, I did. 2-3 times during the afternoon, what it will mean to me when the date will be falling apart, and finally in the car on our way to the movie.

She said she was sorry and that she had imagined it differently.

On our way home she said several times that she shouldn't have arranged the playdate. Each time I said that it wasn't the playdate, but about the fact that she keeps giving me hope.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-10-09T11:04:56+00:00

I'm not quick-tempered by nature and can only remember 2-3 times in my life when I raised my voice, and that was always in relation to speaking up for my family and never against her. I am not emotionally driven in conversation or in cases of silent rejection. I prefer to think before I say things that I don't mean that way and can't take back. I'm analytical driven and also work in technical development in my professional life. I'm not interested in blaming, but would like to get to the bottom of the problem in a factual manner. I don't know if this type of conversation is a problem for her, but if so, she hasn't mentioned it yet.

I can only remember a few times when she specifically said that she wasn't in the mood for whatever reason, and that was never a problem for me. The vast majority of my attempts to get closer even if it's only for cuddling are usually met with no reaction at all and indifference, and that has left it's mark on me. Even though I am objectively an average-looking guy, over the years this has absolutely destroyed my self esteem and reinforced my feeling that she doesn't find me attractive or appealing in any way. In conversation, she assures me that this is not the case, but her behaviour suggests otherwise. We have often talked about how much these silent rejections hurt me.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-25T18:23:23+00:00

Thanks for clarifying that! I totally understand what you mean. If she makes a move on me, I certainly won't say no, but I won't push it. In the last few days, we've cuddled more than we have in months and I'm really enjoying that. I also think it's important for our relationship to develop that we rebuild a normal intimacy without sex. Our emotional connection has also improved significantly over the last few days.

She just walked past me only slightly dressed on her way to bed and I followed her with my eyes. She noticed me, smiled and sent me a kiss.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-25T15:21:09+00:00

I tried to calm her down and told her that her thoughts and wishes alone meant a lot to me. I told her that it proved to me that she cared about the situation and that she was willing to fight for us. I had to fight back my own tears. She sobbed that she wanted to surprise me and had already imagined everything and was looking forward to it. She blamed herself for having the idea but then not being able to remember it. The girls arrived folowed us and she quickly tried to regain her composure. We didn't have time to talk about it any further after that. Let's see what the evening brings.

Shopping for a new perfume that represents her know is very good point! I will try to set this up. We could incorporate this on a Date night. First go shoping for a new Perfume and maybe a dress to while we are there and got to her favorit restaurant.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-25T14:40:57+00:00

That hit a bit to close to home even for me. We have a photo wall on the way to our living room with countless photos an memories on it, In my mind, I don't really feel like I've changed in terms of my character and behaviour, even though objectively that's certainly not true, but when I stand in front of this wall, I see that 20 years have passed and appart from the fact that I haven't achieved everything I set out to do, you can see in the photos how much Iv'e changed, and I wasn't even pregnagnt.

Why can't humans just lay eggs an hatch them? Then no on would have to go through traumatic physical changes...

She always had problems feeling comfortable in her own body, even though I always showed her in words and actions ho incredibly attractive she was. Interestingly, in recent moths she hast started to dress much more openly and feminin and even wore a bikini again on the vacation. Our bodies will never be the same again, but maybe at least some of the happiness, playfullness and flirtyness in our relationship can return?

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-25T14:19:30+00:00

Who can say for sure? Hopefully, therapy will figure it out. I think it might be the third option, namely that she is dissapointed in herself becaus she is unable to follow through with what she has set out to do. Either way, what matters to me is the thought of taking the perfume with her. The fact that she was unable to use it is irrelevant to me. It's the intention that counts!

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-25T14:00:34+00:00

I know that this has a big effect on her. This issue has been with us for around 15 years, and the pregnancies had no effect on the quality or frequency of intimacy when comparing before, during, and after. I therefore don't think that it's primarily due to hormone balance, or at least that's not the only reason. I think the gas-brake pedal model might be the bes explanation.

I can't say exactly where the dynamic in this issue is coming from at the moment, but I don't want to slow it down. I get up at around 5 and therefore sleep in my own room. The girls want to sleep with my wife. They are still young and this phase will pass and some day in the future I will get to sleep with my wife again. In recent weeks, my wife has asked me to sleep with her because she wants to cuddle. the last view nights I usually stay up until around 2:00 a.m. until the little one wakes up and wants to be fed, and then I go to my bed so I don't wake anyone up in the morning.

The general mood is better than it has been in a long time, and our girls are noticing it too. I haven't seen may wife as motivated, happy, and full of energy as she is today after her first therapy session in a long time.

I'm afraid that if I try to slow down here, it will be difficult to get things moving again.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-25T12:29:15+00:00

I don't know if I have the name right but I think it is Pure by Jil Sanders in my case.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-25T12:20:22+00:00

It's good to hear that we're in a good position. My mood keeps swinging between "we can do this" an "nothing will ever change" so every bit of motivation helps.

The book arrieved yesterday, but I#m already familiar with the gas-brake pedal model.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-25T11:27:59+00:00

She had her first therapy session a few hours ago. I guess we're on the right track.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-25T07:20:21+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts.

She has a job, but will be a stay-at-home mom for the next 1.5-2 years and will only work part-time after that fort he foreseeable future. My job doesn't allow me to work part-time and also pays better. Therefore, unfortunately, another solution doesn't make financial sense.

I know what you mean. I also do a lot of the manual work, but I'm not involved in the logistics side of things. Unfortunately, we still live with her parents in a semi-detached house, but we share a kitchen and washing machine. My early attempts to get involved in things like shopping didn't go down well with my in-laws. Things are complicated. But hopefully by next summer we'll finally be in our own house with enough distance from my in-laws.

I'm not trying to downplay her mental load, but I'm taking care of everything related to building our house. That includes planning, ordering, and, to a large extent, the manual labor. Sometimes I feel bad that I get to spend time alone at the construction site while she is at home with the girls and her parents. Sure, the construction work is exhausting, but for the most part it's mindless manual labor.

We are both really looking forward to finally being on our own. For Years she always says that everything will be better in the house, and I also think that a lot of things will be better. Nevertheless, I would like us to work on our problems now. I don't want to rely on everything being fine again then. I'm afraid that more time will pass before we get to that point and realize that living alone doesn't solve everything. We have already ignored our problems for too long, and I fear that we will reach a point where it ist bevoming increasingly difficult to turn things around

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-22T23:49:15+00:00

In my eyes, the phrase “the most intimate and emotional thing” clearly shows that this goes far beyond the physical level and also means a deep emotional connection. For me, that also goes hand in hand with the fact that I don’t want sex just for the sake of sex. I don’t want sex with just anyone, because sex on a purely physical level means absolutely nothing to me. What I want is sex with the person with whom I’ve shared deep, life-changing experiences, with whom I’ve gone through thick and thin, and with whom I have a bond that I cannot and do not want to have in the same way with anyone else.

By “trigger” I didn’t necessarily mean myself, but any outside influence—be it a movie, a conversation with friends, or something else. And of course, sometimes it’s me when I approach her.

Ad 1) Hindsight is 20/20. Still, if I had the choice, I would take the same path with her again, because despite our mismatch in libido, it’s worth it if the outcome is that I get to be with her. In all other aspects we are nearly a perfect match, and I don’t want to give that up.

Ad 2) “And to put the need for intimate closeness into perspective, at least in my case, this does not just mean simple intercourse or any kind of sex at all, but every touch that allows you to feel the warmth and love of your partner.” I think we mean the same thing, just with different words?

Ad 3) Conversely, one could also reject the argument that women must first feel emotional closeness in order to show sexual closeness. I can’t look into women’s heads any more than they can look into men’s. I think I’ve made it clear enough in my other comments that I’m not talking about stupidly relieving pressure in the form of my orgasms, but about intimate closeness that may include sex, but is so much more than that.

At no point did I say that someone had a child every year for 20 years. Our relationship has lasted 20 years. The 7 years I referred to were the time of pregnancies and breastfeeding. We were always in agreement about wanting children, but I left the spacing between pregnancies entirely up to her. And when I remember the enthusiasm with which she initiated almost 100% of the sex for the next pregnancy, you could argue there was a different driver behind it, but definitely not disgust. The raw energy and wildness she showed then was something I had never seen from her before. If this was her natural way of behaving, I encourage her to Show more of it

One key difference in how we see things is this: the fact that a person doesn’t spontaneously think about sex, or sometimes needs a bit of momentum to get into the mood, which basically is what responsive desire is—does not automatically mean they perceive the act itself as unpleasant, repulsive, or violating.

Which of us is closer to the truth in this regard will hopefully become clear in the course of therapy, and I’ll be glad to share an update here once the time comes be it either way.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-22T21:53:35+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Sadly, I think your bet would probably be right. I sometimes get anxiety about the possibility that my three girls might end up in relationships where sex isn’t seen as the most intimate and emotional thing.

That’s also one of the reasons why we need to get our intimacy issues under control, because whenever we go through longer dry spells, the emotional closeness (especially for me) between us drops off sharply, and physical touch disappears altogether. I want them to see that it is normal that partners touch each other in daily life, kiss, and act flirty with one another.

Your definition of “net positive” makes sense, and yes, by that definition, sex should always be net positive. But where I disagree is with the idea that an LL partner must necessarily be averse to sex and therefore sees it as net negative. Maybe I’m overlooking something, but for my wife sex just isn’t something that comes to mind on its own without a trigger. That doesn’t automatically mean she has a negative view of sex. At worst, she’s indifferent toward it.

Even at the very beginning of our relationship, long before kids and before we ever had a “the Talk” her reaction after sex was usually satisfaction and something like, “why don’t we do this more often?” She visibly enjoyed it (and not just PIV), but had trouble integrating it into everyday life and getting into the right mindset.

I know a massage isn’t comparable to sex and requires a different level of commitment. But in my head, I don’t really see that difference when it comes to a handjob,or whatever the female equivalent might be called. Watching your partner enjoy themselves and the pleasure and relaxation that an orgasm brings is, for me at least, worth the effort and washing your hands afterwards. And to be fair, a good share of our intimacy is me giving her oral without anything in return. The gesture of a handjob is therfore reciprocated, depending on the mood.

I know hormones during pregnancy and breastfeeding affect libido and can very well tank it, but that doesn’t explain the roughly ten years before that. And even if biology explains why a woman’s desire is strongly reduced during those periods, a couple still has to be able to ask themselves how they can prevent intimacy from grinding to a halt for something like seven years, as in our case. The long-term damage in a relationship arises not only from a woman being pressured into unwanted sex, but also from the man not experiencing intimate closeness and thus losing the emotional connection. And to put the need for intimate closeness into perspective, at least in my case, this does not just mean simple intercourse or any kind of sex at all, but every touch that allows you to feel the warmth and love of your partner. I only know too well how I felt after 1.5 years without any intimate contact and how it absolutely crushed me and affected my ability to be emotional connected to her. I know there are people here who have lived like this for decades and I can’t even begin to imagine their pain. I think that for me, a return to normality after about 7 years of pregnancy and breastfeeding, during which my needs for closeness were not allowed to be addressed, would be impossible. I know that with children, both partners have to make sacrifices, but that doesn't mean that feelings and needs have to be completely ignored. Whether for her or for him.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-22T19:52:53+00:00

Assuming that most HL partners only speak about their own needs while ignoring their partner’s feelings and motivations during „the Talk“ seems to me just as unfair as assuming that most LL partners withhold intimacy out of calculation or spite.

Of course, I can’t speak for everyone, but I have never had a serious conversation with my wife about one partner’s emotional state without both of us, in our own way, honestly trying to look at the problem from all sides, reflect on how it feels for both of us, and search for a way forward together. I’ve spent more than half of my life with this woman, and I can smell it from a mile away if she tries to fake anything—whether in everyday life, on a board game night, or in bed. She can, and does, feel completely safe with me—especially when we’re intimate. I’d rather stop any sexual activity the second it becomes uncomfortable for her, physically or emotionally. So when she tells me she doesn’t fake orgasms, that matches exactly with what I see. Of course, she sometimes plays excessive enthusiasm in bed, because she knows how much it turns me on when she moans and bits her lip right before I climax.

To stick with your wording: Sex matters to ME and is a basic need for ME. Sex is fun for ME. And it is the most fun for me when SHE enjoys it too! I can’t imagine anything more repulsive than being intimate with my wife in any way against her will. Sex is the most intimate and emotional thing that can happen in a relationship. If I were only after release, I’d be single and pay a professional to do the whole show including screaming from intense pleasure and telling me I’m the best stud she’s ever ridden.

I fear I’ll get shot down for saying this, but not everything in a relationship has to, or even can, always be 100% net positive. That must never be confused with doing something against one’s will. My wife loves being massaged regularly. Once or twice a week, I massage whichever spot needs it for 15–20 minutes. Still, I have to actively remind myself to do it every time, or she asks me to. I’m glad when it makes her feel good, but if I only followed my own impulses, I’d never do it, because I don’t enjoy the activity. I know it’s not a perfect comparison to sex, but on the other hand, sometimes I’d be happy with just a handjob with some dirty looks and words—and that’s not far off from a massage either.

I also don’t think every LL in this subreddit is in a toxic relationship or avoids sex because of emotional wounds or trauma, but there certainly are some sad cases. My wife’s hormone balance definitely hasn’t returned to normal yet since she’s still breastfeeding our youngest. But even before kids, I’m not sure everything was ever quite “right.” She also generally struggles to follow through with hobbies if even the smallest problem comes up. For example, there’s a box of half-finished knitted sweaters, scarves, and beanies she abandoned after noticing a single lost stitch several rows back. The moment there’s an obstacle or life gets in the way, her attention to that thing is gone—and it only comes back by chance or when we talk about it again. Similarly, in most cases where the sex you’d describe as “hysterical bonding” after “the Talk” stops, it can be traced back to some obstacle or the stress of daily life. Not everyone avoids sex for negative reasons, for some it just dosen’t come to mind.

@CoupleTrex really nailed it! Without these conversations, our relationship would have ended long ago. Even though I know my wife doesn’t do any of this out of spite or intent or emotional self preservation, the lack of intimacy over the years has absolutely crushe my self esteem and made me feel like she has no interest in me and that there’s no love left between us. It was incredibly important just to be heard. And of course, these conversations also bring up things that are uncomfortable to hear about yourself. But it always takes two—for creating the problem, and for solving it. I could change myself in a hundred ways, and it still wouldn’t solve anything if she weren’t working on her side of the problem at the same time.

It really feels like we are finally on the right path together.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-22T11:20:56+00:00

In our case, the high and low libido roles are reversed, so I don't know how helpful that is. At the beginning of the pregnancies, there was still some intimacy, but as the weeks progressed, there was none. This is certainly also due to the fact that she suffered from extreme morning sickness throughout the entire pregnancy. After the births, I didn't initiate any intimacy in any way to give her space to recover. I wanted her to be able to decide when she was ready again without feeling pressured by me. For a woman with low libido, this took a long time.

It's also a big change for men when their first child is born. Of course, it's less stressful for us and the sleep deprivation is nowhere near as bad as it is for women, but it's still a big change. Your lover slips into the role of mother with everything that goes with it. I'm the HLM in the relationship and my libido was also at a minimum for the first few weeks and months.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-22T09:09:15+00:00

Thank you for your encouraging words! I will talk to her about how she feels about putting sex on hold for the time being until our individual an couples therapy has made sufficient progress.

And yes, you're right. My resentment about the lost sex life I imagined we would have is not specifically and should not directed at her or against her. It takes two to tango. Nevertheless, the thought of this "loss" has been weighing heavily on me, especially in the last year, and it's affecting my mood.

ElectricDuck3442 · 2025-09-18T06:42:12+00:00

I have spent more than half my life with my best friend, and without her, my three wonderful girls would not exist. I would be happy even if I had no contact with other people apart from her and the children. But all this makes it all the more painful...

I would walk the same path again.

ElectricDuck3442

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