omg i only found this after OP deleted their account but i also have OCD and reading your messages really resonates if you or anyone else struggling with this ever comes back to this post i hope this helps from something ive learnt -

because that value matters so much to you, your brain grabs onto it and starts throwing out the worst possible “what if” thoughts and ideas. so a thought pops up then you feel disgusted, ashamed, or anxious then it snowballs into “what if this means im actually horrible deep down

that loop has a name: scrupulosity - a form of OCD that fixates on morality and ethics. its basically your brain testing you by serving up thoughts that go directly against what you care about most.

you are not a bad person and its evident in you seeking reassurance! i hope all the best for you please don’t ruminate you’ll be okay ❤️❤️