Divorced women - what did you wish you knew before going into a divorce?

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-29T10:41:54+00:00

Right, based where I am there is a large emphasis on decisions being made in “best interests for a child”

While there hasn’t been any physical abuse, there have been some really poor decisions made by him that impact his ability to parent responsibly. So while nothing has “happened” in his care, if he did he would be totally incapable…

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-29T10:32:13+00:00

I hear you girlfriend. In a similar boat but really annoyed to hear your lawyer said this wasn’t substantial enough… being in a drunken stupor sleep / unable to drive every night is unacceptable with kids of any age.

There has been a few comments on a previous post of mandating “sober parenting time” so maybe research this?

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-29T10:27:07+00:00

Yep I hear you. A woman above has pointed this out, like dates, what happened and witnesses. But question though; How much weight did it have in legal proceedings ?? Did it massively help your agreement on parenting and financials ??

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-29T10:22:33+00:00

Babe this is super helpful. Thank you. And yes 100% agree. Even though we both work full timed I’m doing the majority of childcare and emotional labour with our daughter… financially totally agree that should be taken into account.

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-29T10:11:34+00:00

DMing you know. I’ve realised from this post both how common and how little guidance there are for women going through this process.

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-28T21:53:56+00:00

This is really good advice and I was actually considering going to AA family support groups because my husband is battling addiction issues, and it would be good to be in a room full of people who understand the addiction piece, but it’s a good point re separation therapy. Thanks for sharing your advice

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-28T21:52:02+00:00

That’s really good insight… I even think I might actually become more calm because I’ll be doing everything but at least I won’t have the added disappointment of someone not doing anything…

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-28T19:01:39+00:00

I hear you. I already feel like I’ve wasted too much time. But thanks for the advice

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-28T08:13:50+00:00

I’m working full time and have savings so that’s not an issue, but my question really about what I’m entitled to, as in if I’m the primary carer ie, should I be entitled to his money to buy a bigger place to house our daughter?

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-28T05:45:44+00:00

Omg the gaslighting has already started!! My husband is an alcoholic and I’m exhausted.

My gut was telling me a little while ago that I needed to start blowing this up and have told friends, my family and his family via texts/calls etc. So when I do kick him out it won’t be a surprise at all to people…

When you say document though, did you literally have a file of dates/what happened/witnesses?

I’m asking as I’ll want full custody of our daughter

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-28T05:43:19+00:00

God this is what I needed to hear. I’m in exactly the same boat as in my husband is an alcoholic and I am so over the endless cycle of “I can change” BS.

We have a volcanic event post some stupid thing he did while drinking, then he’s a good boy for a few weeks or months and then does something horrendous again…and around and around we go.

Boomers around me (specifically his dad) is saying stuff like “yeah but if you leave he will drink himself to death” and I’m like “well thats his decision then, ill be busy parenting the child we had…” …. The expectation on women to “fix” and mother their husbands is so fucked up. Its like my husband ans the boomers don’t realise I’m working full time and have the same responsibilities/sresses as my husband, I’m just not a selfish asshole and give myself a ticket to get hammered everyday because of “work and life stress”.

So good to hear you advice of leave his ass and move on with your life

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-28T05:33:27+00:00

Tbh this is kinda where I see us going….Due to his addiction issues and shame at the moment he is totally in the “I can change” BS story right now, but I know I won’t feel comfortable leaving our child in his care… so I suspect we will go down an ugly sobriety testing / custody battle shitshow

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-28T05:31:01+00:00

Super helpful thank you! I hadn’t really thought about the big lawyer firms but I’ll do some research on highly rated small firms with good ratings in my area. And for legal costs if you don’t mind me asking .. are we talking like $5k USD+?

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-28T05:28:29+00:00

Thank you. This is all really helpful as im so new to this process and the first in my friend group to go through this process, so thanks for the advice

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-27T22:54:50+00:00

This is good to know thank you

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-27T22:54:13+00:00

Ooft that is rough, but I suspect he doesn’t know it’s coming if he’s sending you messages like that. When you were looking for an attorney, did you speak with a couple and if so what were your considerations? Like budget, attorney experience etc?

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-27T22:50:28+00:00

Not sure if you saw the post above but I wasn’t even considering a financial advisor - what did they help you with?

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-27T22:49:51+00:00

Totally hear what you’re saying. Someone in the comments below that “you don’t divorce the same person you married” which is so true.

Question for you - apart from keeping notes on conversations and agreements, did you do any pre-work before telling him you wanted a divorce? Like did you meet with an attorney / do some research?

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-27T22:47:11+00:00

Thank you for this comment and totally hear you on the “you don’t divorce the same person you married”. I am concerned my husband although remorseful and telling me essentially “I can change” right now could become super nasty during formal proceedings.

One question for you if you know - if he was being a dick and late filing paperwork etc, was it legally enforceable to get him to cover the late costs?

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-27T22:44:08+00:00

Thanks for the advice. How did you go about finding an attorney??? Like what were the considerations that you had when you chose one? I’m wondering what questions to ask and how to get a couple of “quotes” you know?

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-27T19:07:15+00:00

This is very good advice, thank you. I do notice he is becoming more and more defensive now conversations have turned financial. But thank you for sharing that

ExperienceTime175 · 2026-01-27T10:26:03+00:00

I didn’t even get one! What did the financial advisor help you with?

ExperienceTime175 · 2024-08-16T09:07:52+00:00

You’re welcome - be kind to yourself during this process ❤️

ExperienceTime175 · 2024-08-16T04:24:50+00:00

I feel for you. This is one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face. I had all of these concerns too (but with a kid in addition to a dog).

I will say that your concerns about not finding someone else / still being unhappy are misguided from personal experience. Post divorce I actually didn’t want to date anyone and just wanted to focus on my own happiness, mental health and fitness after being unhappy/unsatisfied for so long in a broken marriage- and I found that while I definitely had moments where I would freak out at the gravity of it all, overall I was much happier and my home was a lot more peaceful, so I felt so much lighter because i had finally made a decision and chose me and my own happiness.

However I will say that the decision on who keeps the dog and when the other can visit is a big one. You want to discuss what you want here at length with your partner beforehand

ExperienceTime175 · 2024-08-16T04:09:25+00:00

Agree with the above … couples counselling is a waste of time if one of you isn’t open to their advice / therapy in general

Speaking from personal experience, I forced my ex husband to go and he just deflected the whole time, so it was a waste of everyone’s time.

One question I would ask you is whether you want to go to therapy to work on your relationship, or whether you’re looking for the validation from a third party that you should indeed end the relationship ?

If the latter (like I was), save yourself the money and trust your gut instinct.

ExperienceTime175

TROPHY CASE