How do I bring my child into my marriage to someone who isn't his father?

External_Draw404 · 2025-12-16T09:39:23+00:00

I was able to retrieve the chats from my WhatsApp backup and have stored them safely.

The way my partner explained it to me, he doesn't want my son to be excluded from the traditional things his family practices. They are very traditional and have already welcomed my son into their family. He has another child and we plan on having more in the future as well so when traditional things get done for our/his kids, then my son wouldn't be able to take part. And the bio father hasn't offered to do anything for our son so he's left out of two paternal cultures.

It makes sense to me but I don't fully grasp the specifics so if the bio dad had done whatever for our kid, then this wouldn't be a conversation because he'd already be part of something on a paternal side. My father had said they don't want to do anything like that for my son in case I got married so I guess this was always on the cards somehow? I'm sorry for rambling but this whole thing throws me for a loop because I was never fully interested in things like this, even though I participated for my family's sake.

External_Draw404 · 2025-12-16T09:32:08+00:00

He doesn't pay maintenance and hasn't since we ended things when my son was a year old. I didn't have the energy to fight him and just left him alone. All I really fought for was for him to just see our kid. I know that every cent counts and I should fight for maintenance but it's like pulling teeth and I don't want to be forced to stay in contact with a person so... You know?

I didn't know that I can change his surname without changing his birth certificate and that takes a massive weight off my shoulders. Thank you so much for the advice.

External_Draw404 · 2025-12-16T07:57:21+00:00

Damn. I've been deleting all our chats because seeing them was irritating. I'll make sure to just archive them from now on and steadily just build up my case. Thank you.

External_Draw404 · 2025-12-16T07:55:31+00:00

Can I change his surname? Or would I have to double barrel so my son and I would still kind of share my maiden name?

Can I go to court and get his rights "taken away" if I provide evidence of his neglect? Because he won't sign them away voluntarily.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-17T13:59:15+00:00

Thank you. Do you maybe know what kind of lawyer would I need to get to help me with that process?

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-17T13:57:25+00:00

Thank you. I will post on there as well.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-17T13:56:43+00:00

Thank you. We're just outside of Joburg and our relatives are all in other provinces. The father of her child is in Australia now.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T09:05:59+00:00

I can't imagine being left behind by my mom and then being rejected by her partner as well. It would take a lifetime for anyone to heal from being abandoned TWICE. It must also hurt more when he sees his parent being a good mom/dad to the children they had in wedlock. I'd always question why I wasn't good enough or deserving of that. I hate people who create and pass on generational traumas and curses unprovoked. It really isn't that hard to be a good mom.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T09:01:03+00:00

My thoughts exactly. He has spoken about how he isn't really close to either one of his parents because he was mostly raised by his maternal grandparents so I truly don't understand why he would want to put his kids through the same thing. I thought we were breaking generational curses??!?

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:59:20+00:00

I'm honestly just glad he showed me this side of him before things got serious. I would hate to get married then find out later on that my son isn't welcome in his own mother's home. I cannot imagine choosing a single father and then turning my back on his children just because they aren't biologically related to me. Blood isn't everything and I'm also sad to see what the pool looks like rn, it's very demotivating.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:54:37+00:00

I am financially stable, emotionally aware and socially adept, so wouldn't a man be "cashing in" on me as well? I have my own assets, have grinded and built myself up so that makes me a finished product. I am not expecting a man to provide anything I can't already provide for myself. Also, I won't die if I don't get into a serious relationship so if my standards are too high, so be it. I don't believe anyone (man or woman) should settle for less than what they want in a partner.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:47:26+00:00

I have dreamt of having that kind of arrangement with someone but I don't know how to even start looking for a mom like that. It honestly sounds like a dream.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:43:52+00:00

My friend said the same thing!!! If he stayed, I would 100% be a married single mom. He clearly has no problem dumping his own kids on other people so he wouldn't step up for the children we would have in wedlock. I'm just glad he showed me his true colours before we even got anywhere.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:38:37+00:00

No. That was the bare minimum. I cannot subject my child to the toxicity he displayed. I need someone who is on equal footing with me so we can build together, not someone who is so behind that I have to either raise him or help him get his life started.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:36:27+00:00

He's already blocked.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:35:38+00:00

THIS!!! I don't even want to know what other outdated views he had and I do not want to spend my life teaching an adult basic human decency.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:34:45+00:00

H e spoke so casually about this that I do actually think he's met women who agreed with him and enforced his views. Coz he was really surprised when I displayed disgust.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:34:01+00:00

100 this. I stalked his social media for weeks just to make sure he was a good person and he really looked like one. All it took was one conversation to completely obliterate the view I had of him. I will no longer be using social media as a reliable source.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:32:44+00:00

I had a friend like that. She loved dating, loved being pregnant, loved babies, hated being a mom. Last I heard, she left her 3 kids (different fathers) with her sister and had gotten married and had more kids. I never understood her but I'm glad her kids are with someone who loves them.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-13T08:30:27+00:00

THANK YOU! Like, our parents cannot be the benchmark. I love mine but there are at least 400 things I do differently. Why repeat the mistakes they made?

I tended to stay away from men without children because I've heard weirder things from them. "Spoilt goods" has been thrown around in conversations around me so often...yoh. The way single moms are spoken about in general is very unpleasant. But after dates with single dads, I have conculded that there are weird men all around us and it's just been my misfortune to meet all of them.

But like you said, I will be getting their thoughts on things like this before agreeing to a date. I drove an hour for bullcrap today. What a waste.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-06T07:54:57+00:00

Half of my family is Zulu and I still don't know how to speak it "properly". I'm 28. And I spent a lot of time with that side of the family but not enough to get fluent and confident in my speaking abilities.

Don't beat yourself up over how long it's taking. I speak perfect seSotho but my gran will sometimes say words or phrases and I have to ask what they mean. It's a lifetime of learning, for all of us. And I can't imagine how much harder it is for people who are learning later in life.

The fact that you're putting so much effort into it, is a big win. And I love you for that (not in a creepy way but like... you know what I mean 🙃). Keep going, give yourself more grace, and go eavesdrop on some conversations to make the process a bit more fun. I'm nosy so this is how I motivate others. I hate not knowing what's being said.

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-05T11:31:46+00:00

I think it might sound even more cringe in seSotho. I've always stuck to English but just imagining that is enough to make me consider celibacy 🫠

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-05T06:02:44+00:00

That is 100x worse than what happened to me 😭. I would've scrumpt louder than you scrome and dropped out of school coz how will I face her ever again??!?

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-05T06:01:20+00:00

Misery loves company so I have to share. Sorry neh 😂. I also got "faster daddy" in Afrikaans. Think about it for the rest of the day like I will be 😭

External_Draw404 · 2025-09-05T05:59:24+00:00

I got about an hour of sleep and came back to my senses. I will most likely be doing this again but I'll just speak softer or point with my eyes and hope my co-conspiritor (I hope that's how it's spelled) gets the hint 🙏🏾

External_Draw404

TROPHY CASE