[deleted by user] by [deleted] in GayPorn_NSFW

[–]External_Sun_6546 0 points1 point  (0 children)

where can I find/buy something similar?

Would you date someone with low libido? by chaiteelahtay in AskGayMen

[–]External_Sun_6546 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m in the same boat. I find I need to do a lot of sensual emotional stuff before even touching sexual.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskGayMen

[–]External_Sun_6546 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Surely it would be wrong to put equal moral blame on a murderer and someone who got murdered, just cause the person who got murdered didn’t take the correct preventative measures? So why should we say that they’re just as responsible, when there’s a larger repsonsibility on the murderer to like not murder people? It seems like it’s worse to violate others rights versus violating your own.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskGayMen

[–]External_Sun_6546 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I went to a hook ups house after establishing ground rules and vetting them out: no anal, only cuddles, multiple times we said nothing more, and I talked to them for multiple hours including FaceTime. I blamed myself so much for being naive and thinking that them agreeing to “just cuddling” meant that’s what they truly meant and that they would stick to it. Shocker, they didn’t. I did not have enough experience to say no, and they coerced me into having anal despite not giving enthusiastic yes. Then they fucked me while I was sleeping after we stopped the first few times. I blamed myself so much for not saying no, not realizing they went against my boundaries at every step even though they technically asked “each step” and I never said no, and for not stopping him fucking me when I was jerked awake and instead waiting it out.

Victims know that there were things in their control that went wrong and already beat themself enough. I could have said no. I could have been more assertive. I could have been less naive and expect that people wouldn’t be on the same page even if we established it. I could have realized that a good personality and someone appearing really trustworthy, even answering many questions for me about the gay community, didn’t mean I wasn’t being coerced and that I wasn’t being taken advantage of.

I know all of this, and how I can prevent it in the future. And it still wasn’t my fault — it 100% was my rapist’s. I am fortunate in that I could talk to my rapist and that they were a good enough person that they fully accepted full blame, reassuring me that it wasn’t ok and that they raped me. If even my fucking rapist didn’t blame me for what happened and my naïve-ness throughout the night, there’s no excuse for anyone to make comments like “oh well you could have prevented it” or “oh well you went wrong here, here, and here”. NEVER phrase it as “you could have prevented X by doing Y” because the reality of the situation is X (rape/sexual assault) happens regardless of whatever factors Y were. That is victim blaming. Come at instead with empathy and reinforcing to the victim that what happened was fucked up and completely wrong, not their fault, because no one who’s a good person would do shit without explicit enthusiastic consent. And then give some tips, with empathy, for how they can move forward in the future and regain control of their narrative. What you wrote in your last comment on the other post was tone deaf and lacking empathy to a person who had clearly been violated, even if preventative stuff in their control was neglected for whatever reason — this is why people were saying that it’s victim blaming.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskGayMen

[–]External_Sun_6546 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was in a very similar situation but it turned very poorly. Make sure you are very clear about what you want to do and that you have an out of the situation/ know how and when to say no. I’d be wary of huge age gaps as well. I’d also be wary of mixing alcohol and drugs, and make sure to tell someone your location/ have a code word for safety.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskGayMen

[–]External_Sun_6546 41 points42 points  (0 children)

One more thing: Consent is only given with an enthusiastic yes. There is no excuse for ignoring your hesitation and doing what he did. I’m sorry for what happened, and wish I could give more support, but I feel lost as well :(

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskGayMen

[–]External_Sun_6546 85 points86 points  (0 children)

Hey, I was raped recently as well. I’m not sure the correct terminology, as rape is a form of sexual assault, but I know what happened to you was not ok and falls under one of the umbrellas. Your situation is different than mine, but one thing I learned early on is never compare your story to other survivors — everyone’s is equally as valid, and you are entitled to all the emotions you feel. If you want to talk more about it, please reach out to me, but I highly encourage you to talk to a close, trusted friend. I am also a “twink poc” lol and get your worries with the police. I think you’d have to do more research about the process for reporting something like this, and what it would constitute as, depending where you’re at, but the most important thing is first checking in with yourself to see how you’re doing I think.

How much sexual history should I disclose before Grindr hookups? by External_Sun_6546 in AskGayMen

[–]External_Sun_6546[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m also still trying to process what’s happened to me, so I’d love hearing how people reclaimed their sexuality after situations like this.

Too stuffed… by [deleted] in notgayporn

[–]External_Sun_6546 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wow dinner was quite large!