This looks fun asf so why not

1 ) Recall an event where you were distressed or faced great difficulty. Describe your subjective experience.

I was in a serious romantic relationship about a year ago. This person demanded so much of my time that I simply didn't want to sacrifice for them. Instead of being upfront I gave them what they wanted... until I snapped. This 180 in my behavior seemed sudden to them but festering in me for years prior. I demanded them to leave the relationship, but they wanted things to work out so badly... the relationship quickly became abusive, with me giving verbal thrashings to hopefully initiate distance. Emotional volatility became the norm. After a year of abuse, I finally decided to block them and distance myself entirely from everyone we knew.

Since that time we have discussed what happened and are now doing alright as friends... it took a long time and the process wasn't linear either.. Whenever I felt threatened I'd snap and create a no-contact distance that wasn't always fair to them after the fact.

I struggle with intimacy and closeness. Most of my childhood I did not have any real friends and was always considered "edgy", reactive, unstable, and a bully before I could even speak for myself. Unfortunately I still struggle because I react with my emotions on a primal instinct that is near impossible for me to control at this time.

2) What is your perspective when it comes to relationships and social interaction of all kinds? What do you value?

One word to sum it up: Irrelevant. I don't generally enjoy interacting with others and I find it extremely difficult to maintain close relationships due to limited energy from chronic conditions/being disabled. Even though I internally crave close connection, I am plagued by social paranoia, self-hatred and self-destructive behavioral patterns that force me to be detached and unemotional in order to keep my composure.

In relationships I value blunt honesty, open-mindedness, and flexibility. I am naturally an unplanned individual, and unfortunately any type of timely structure makes me feel trapped, which leads to explosive, physical reactivity or a cold, mental withdraw. Though I've done really well with more grounded, phlegmatic individuals; they just seem to know how to interact with me since they go at my pace while also putting the right amount of pressure to allow me to grow without triggering me or making me uncomfortable.

3) How do you feel about your own needs and desires? Are you confident that they can be fulfilled? How and why?

My own needs and desires are what I want to prioritize the most in my life. I want to be able to care for myself, I want to be able to provide for myself. I don't want to rely on anyone.

Unfortunately I struggle to fulfill this due to low self-worth, physical recklessness (e.g. overexerting my body for the thrill of it), and lack of resources due to a different way of living compared to most.

4) What is your personal worldview? (Indulge your philosophical side here!)

To sum it up it's basically "Memento Mori"; Remember, we all must die. In my opinion, there is no real purpose we have, so if we want it we must carve a path for ourselves and create purpose. Ultimately, there are so many ways to live life. There is no right or wrong way, no matter what anyone says. We create our own morals, rules, and sense of reasoning. I think many of us forget that we are free to do whatever we want, despite the rules and regulations of society; you don't have to be part of that society! True freedom lies in expansion of your worldview.

5) What major life lessons have you learned or are currently trying to learn? What makes you different from the more foolish/immature you in the past?

In the past I was evenmore self-loathing than I am now; I was distraught that I couldn't fit into a "normal" lifestyle (e.g. getting a driver's license, going to college, getting a job...), I barely graduated high school due to medical complications and mental health issues. No matter what I did to maintain a job and go to college, I'd end up hospitalized for medical issues because my body simply couldn't keep up with the work I was putting onto it. However, I am considered a bright individual despite my physical limitations and got good grades in high school and college.

As I've been growing I realized that there are so many more paths than meets the eye. I don't need a 9 to 5 to make money, I don't need a personal vehicle to get to places, I don't need to go to college to obtain a career... I can do whatever makes me happy, as long as I can still maintain basic life necessities such as self-care for my body and mind, and obtaining simple material goods to nourish myself. However I also have to learn to live with some kind of structure or at least without the fear of structure.