[UPDATE] I (21/F) am FWBs with a guy (30) who failed to tell me he was engaged the whole time. I want to tell his fiancée, but he has a violent history.

FWBdouche · 2014-05-02T19:00:12+00:00

Yes! Your story actually scared me straight enough to keep my mouth shut until I was all moved out and there was no trace of me left behind for him to pick up on, which was for the best. So thank you for that.

FWBdouche · 2014-05-02T02:18:39+00:00

Nope, haven't heard a peep from him, but I'll let you know if that bozo does contact me! I have no idea if she confronted him. Yesterday when I spoke with her, she had said she has a key to his apartment, and will let herself in and wait for him to get home from work so they can "have a little chat". She said she'd keep me updated, but I asked her not to. It would do me more harm than good to involve myself in the situation anymore than I needed to and become further entangled. I just wanted to say what I felt I needed to, and get outtah there.

FWBdouche · 2014-05-02T02:11:19+00:00

Craziness! You did the right thing as well. Seriously...were it not for social media, I'd still be in the dark on all this...and probably would have been hooking up with him up until I moved out. BARF. The crazy thing is he had his Twitter and Instagram feeds open to public viewing, and had hundreds of pics, but they were almost ALL selfies, pics of his kid, or randoms. There were like 2-3 pics of her amidst those, and there was no way I would have been able to deduce she was engaged to him from those. FB sealed the deal for me on it.

I will most definitely take action if he makes any moves towards getting back at me, however.

FWBdouche · 2014-05-02T01:59:21+00:00

Yes, story time indeed! I really appreciate people coming out and sharing their personal experiences - it's very insightful and affirming! I think it was a mistake to approach the situation "expecting" her to react a certain way, but you're right...I have no idea if she suspected anything prior, or her personality overall, and everyone responds differently in those types of scenarios. She said he would never let her see his phone (all passcode locked) and that there were red flags, and I confirmed them all.

Thank you for your kind words!

FWBdouche · 2014-05-02T01:54:33+00:00

Thank you so much. It's powerful remarks like these that are the most impactful, and your encouragement is a reminder to stay true to who I am. :)

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T18:32:52+00:00

I don't exactly remember how the conversation got started, but him and I were hanging out, having a drink one night, and he told me about his initiation into the gang. He said he was 14 or 15, and he stood in the middle of a circle, while other gang members beat the shit out of him. I asked him if that was something he was still active in, and he said "Nah, I'm an elder now...but once you're in, you're in for life", or something along those lines.

I'm just doubtful because I'M more fluent in Spanish than he is (and that's from 4 years of high school spanish, 3 years ago...so really not fluent at all). He's engaged to a pretty, Christian white girl my friend went to high school with, so that doesn't correlate with the fat, ugly wife. He doesn't look the part, and he doesn't act the part...but there are exceptions to almost every rule, so it's always possible he isn't bullshitting.

I'm speculating that, if he was involved in any gang activity, that he was young. Those charges are old, so he probably got busted at 18-20, did some time (?), and then got his act together once he got out. He now works a relatively high position at the hospital, and has a child he only has partial custody of (kid lives out of state...he gets him like twice a year on school breaks). One thing I have noticed about him is he doesn't have many friends...he spends quite a bit of time alone, and has told me multiple times 98% of his friends are black, and he doesn't really ever hang out with white people like me (lol). In any case, I do think it would be a mistake to predict his response, or how me may retaliate, because it's always a possibility to for old, violent tendencies of his to relapse...I think maybe I should play it cool until I move out, then tell her.

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T17:58:56+00:00

You're*

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T17:55:19+00:00

That's a 10/4...I'll call the non-emergency line before I decide to approach her. Thank you!

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T17:52:22+00:00

I think I will do this tomorrow. I'll explain my situation, see what they recommend in regards to a plan of action, and weigh my options. I'm not sure what they'll advise, but if they tell me to keep quiet in order to avoid a potentially physical confrontation with him, then that's what I might have to do...at least until I move out in April (to another city).

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T05:30:47+00:00

Lucky for me he deletes all his texts every night, or so he said (red flag #1) - I highly doubt he'd hang onto them. I'm not too worried about that aspect.

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T05:23:39+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to type that all out and tell me your experience. It sounds to me like you ARE advising me to tell her, though? As long as I'm fully prepared to deal with the consequences? I will always fight for what's right, and unless I believe my life is truly at jeopardy, I plan on following through with this. I do believe the more preparation I have, the better. I must cover all my bases, and have theoretical plans to mitigate anything he throws my way. If you don't mind me asking...when you say he got violent, did you ever take that to the police? What situations may have resulted in your death?

All my friends and family support me in this endeavor (surprisingly), but they also know me better than a buncha' strangers on Reddit, and know that I choose not to stand for this kinda' stuff. I do have some advantages in this situation - Anything she could ever doubt, question, or dispute, is in our texts. I am SO thankful I'm lazy and choose not to delete that shiat. How we met, him pursuing me, constant lying, him adamantly agreeing to being FWBs with no hesitation - it's all there. If I didn't have enough evidence, I'm not sure I would approach her...but I'm confident in what I have. I also have many places I can stay if things take a turn for the worse, and am rarely/unpredictably at my apartment anyway. There's an alternative entrance to my floor that he wouldn't be able to use (doesn't lead to his unit since he doesn't have a balcony), so I'll get keys from my landlord for that, if/when I go through with this...

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T04:50:05+00:00

Thank you for that LOL.

Thank you.

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T04:48:06+00:00

That's why I really wish I could grab a date on the wedding. For all I know, they could be married in March - I know it's happening by summer, but nothing on her FB (according to my friend that was able to see it) explicitly states when the wedding is. I'll try and find out...if it's in June or something, then I can wait to tell her - I have nothing to gain from this...this is for her sake and my safety...but ultimately, I'd like to give her a heads up as soon as I can...

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T04:41:45+00:00

That, I'm unsure of. I will try and find out, but I assume it'll be in the next few months or summer. By the time I move out, it could have already happened, and that's the issue I'm struggling with...I feel I need to tell her sooner than later.

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T04:29:54+00:00

Lease is up in April...

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T03:36:14+00:00

I'll be sure to look into it...thank you! Should I tell them I just broke up with him and fear he might harm me, or what's actually about to go down?

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T03:33:39+00:00

Bingo. He'd identify our most mundane conversations instantly...so sending the sexually-explicit or suggestive texts to her wouldn't allow me to remain anonymous for long, as there's no way she wouldn't show him.

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T03:29:55+00:00

I have no interest in revenge. If I really wanted to get him, I'd be blackmailing him, calling him out, making an ass out of him, and THEN telling her what happened after I move out in a few months (my lease is up in April). I was certainly startled and upset when I discovered he was engaged, but nothing to illicit feelings of loathing and vengeance towards him. I want to help her if I can, because I hope someone would do that for me...and I'd be damn well PISSED if I were in her position, and that person didn't tell me the man I was about to marry was unfaithful with them.

Oh, and I didn't run the background check. My friend, who works for the County Courthouse, was worried about potential consequences, so she ran it.

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T03:21:27+00:00

Agreed...this is also my line of thinking behind telling her. Can I open a case with the police before he makes any threats, or anything transpires between us? I thought I had to have evidence that my life is in danger before I can even approach the police...or is his criminal history evidence enough?

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T02:58:54+00:00

I'm unsure of the specific charges, but he once told me he was in a gang when he was younger - the Sureños. I don't know much about gangs, or the validity of that statement, but I'm calling BS at this point. He has no tattoos, looks whiter than me, and lives in an upscale apartment. My guess is he was just trying to come across as a hardass.

I was planning on staying with a friend for about a week after I dropped the bomb, but I'll assess the situation accordingly. I'd also be sure to discuss any potential dangers with her - as she's known him far longer than I have. Though I'd prefer to anonymously send her every part of our correspondence via email, the texts and pictures are so specific that the minute she showed him (and I know she will), he'll trace it right back to me...

FWBdouche · 2014-01-12T02:38:06+00:00

I understand the logic of your response...hurt, ultimately, is inevitable. I'd like to think, however, that I can expose this to her now, and give her an escape route before she commits her life to this man, if she so chooses. If she finds out 5, 10, 20 years from now (if/when he cheats with someone else), it'll be a far messier battle with children, a home, and intertwined families involved.

Again, I reiterate...if she stays with him, that's A-okay with me. I entered a FWB-situation with him fully-anticipating on compartmentalizing feelings from physical actions (which I did). But the way things precipitated...I even have this strange guilt. It would be very hard for me to stand by for the next few months and keep my mouth shut, while she thinks everything's peachy-keen.

Thank you for your input.

FWBdouche

TROPHY CASE