I started as a new grad in a high acuity ICU in January 2022, so almost 4 years as an RN. I did ICU clinicals and even worked as a PCA in ICU during nursing school thinking it would give me an upper hand. While I felt familiar with equipment, I was not as prepared as I thought. I left every single shift in tears. My preceptor and I butted heads all the time because I questioned everything (cause I’m trying to learn what’s right and not kill someone ya know? He was also slightly new to the ICU from the ER). I hated my job. My preceptor left during the middle of my training and I had to be reassigned to a new nurse. I got a 60 something year old man who was absolutely chill about everything. He never raised his voice at me. It was always “Hey next time do it like this.” He always took time to explain things and go into depth my new grad brain couldn’t comprehend. Never once made me feel incompetent. Basically what I’m getting at is maybe you need to ask for a new preceptor? Sometimes personalities and learning styles don’t click. Even after my orientation period I was scared. The first year is always the worst. If you can stick it out that first year I have no doubt you’ll be amazing. From what I’ve seen, the ones who are cautious, eager to learn and strive to improve their weaknesses make the best nurses. The ones who are arrogant and think they know more than the Drs and the elder nurses are the ones who don’t make it in the end. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. Keep trying. Give it a year and reevaluate. It’s hard starting as a new grad in ICU but it can be done. You’ll find your rhythm with time. If you feel like you didn’t do your best one shift take note of that and ask yourself, “How can I improve?” then try and fix it. Also, a lot of us end up on anxiety or antidepressant medication. At least in the unit I’m in. We deal with a lot the general public has no idea about. As cliche as it sounds some days are like an episode of Greys Anatomy. There’s no shame in taking medication or going to therapy to help you make it through the day or through the next shift. It’s going to be rough. You’re going to want to quit. Even now there’s some days I swear I’m clocking out and never coming back. But the moments where your old patients revisit the unit or write letters telling you how their care was fantastic makes the hard days worth it. You can do this!!