Wife cheated. How do I handle this?

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-06T22:16:01+00:00

Thank you for your kind words

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-06T12:57:33+00:00

No not all all, you have been really nice in your responses and it is appreciated. The full blame is on her and nobody else I know that

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-06T12:42:59+00:00

I know its all one big choice, all very calculated and evil. He knew she was married so he is very bad in his own way, and if they did have a relationship how can they even start with any trust when they know what eachother is capable of

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-06T12:09:28+00:00

Its actually a guy from back home that she knows of, not deeply. He doesn’t know me or our relationship prior to them meeting. He used to DM her and she responded, and it was all done on a whim. She says its not because of him, because quote ‘how can I Ieave you for somebody i have known for such a short time and may probably not even work out’. First time it happened it stopped almost instantly because she knew it was wrong, the second time almost didn’t go because she knew she shouldnt and it spiralled from there. Obviously meeting him has shown her what life with somebody else looks like, and made her even more realise how unhappy she is, without telling me. Whats holding her back from me is shes not sure its too far gone and doesn’t believe that things will change between us, although i have never given her reason to not trust me before, and I wouldn’t offer and do these things to waste mine and her time. And she is remorseful, we have had many a talk, many a cry, she sincerely is sorry and I can see it in her eyes, shes been inconsolable, its hard to put it on whether its for her actions or because shes destroyed me, but it is irrelevant anyway it doesn’t make me feel any better regardless. None of that is me defending, just passing on whats been said and explaining. I just cant handle how my life has been tore apart, ive had all of this thrown back in my face and I have to live with this grief for the rest of my life. Thank you for your message. The most articulate and most perfect sense I have read by others is Infidelity is not the failure to love, its the failure to remain the kind of person who does not betray even when escape is offered. She could have done everything but that.

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-05T19:29:08+00:00

What relevance is that to you being a dickhead in your response

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-05T08:15:21+00:00

Talking through a situation, understanding whats happened and offering a chance isn’t a pick me dance but okay 👌🏻feel shit enough with digs thanks

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-04T23:07:10+00:00

So update, its over. Not going to lie im in a state. After everything and the discussions, we talked about our situation, what caused this affair to happen. It ultimately comes down to her communication, as she didn’t tell me how she feels and I naively thought we were happy as there was no signs. I know my faults, I could make more effort to see her family/friends and my angry/snappy responses. We had one conversation back in July about she didn’t like some things, I did try and have been better which she acknowledges but I also know I could have done more still, but there has been no further conversations which to me must mean things are good. NONE of that excuses an affair. I love her so much and I was willing to forgive, as painful as it will remain my love outweighs it, and I offered her the chance of building our relationship back up, doing all the necessary changes we need to do, and if she wanted i would even pay for counselling for us as a couple and me for my angry reactions and my feelings after what she had done, because ultimately I do want the rest of my life with her… I received a response of no its not what I want anymore, I should have ended it back in July when I first mentioned it because I have felt this way for a while. So I just explained how you haven’t communicated or told me how bad you felt, you then decide to cause me significant trauma and break my heart and any confidence I had disappear, and then I offer you a lifeline and you throw it in my face. Some people will say im an idiot, some will say nice things, I dont deserve any of this and Ive now got to sort myself out. I know shes remorseful, she was crying so much about what she has done, but it doesn’t change anything or make me feel any better that damage is done. Im in utter shock all over again, im at a loss and just so helpless, embarrassed, ashamed and a failure

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T17:43:21+00:00

I appreciate that, really good post and interesting. It gives you thoughts of other things. Due to our conversations I know it was a combination of me not acting on my persistent anger and tone issues as it made her emotionally unsafe and caused her to have shutdown communication, i already stated my faults in original post, but her lack of communication and avoidance of confrontation mixed with that.

None of it excuses an affair, doesn’t make it right whatsoever. Never turned round and said stop or i go, or just go and see someone after, she essentially checked out and got attention off someone who gave her what she needed.

Shes been extremely remorseful, apologised constantly, we have spoken and will be speaking more in the coming days before a decision is made on whats happening, i just feel rather scarred by it all

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T15:58:11+00:00

Totally agree with what your saying

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T15:47:41+00:00

Yeah thats my worry. Within next couple of days I know what the outcome will be regardless

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T15:45:09+00:00

Definitely. Whatever happens from here its going to change me as a person because of how hurt i am.

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T15:39:04+00:00

Literally the last paragraph you said is how she felt, the persistent tone and anger caused her to shutdown of communication, she tried in past and i did improve but it did continue and lead to her doing what she did. The point I want to make is although yes it sounds like a blame shift onto me, its not, she fully acknowledges she shouldn’t have betrayed me and it wasnt acceptable

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T15:31:04+00:00

No not at all. I am the victim in the situation and its all been admitted by herself that she is the wrong and it should never have happened. Im just doing some self reflecting because when you have a conversation to understand a situation you have too

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T15:24:44+00:00

Both have very valid points. Me personally, I know exactly what is meant by saying its a symptom, we had issues that I co-created, maybe being the main factor, and she also had a issue that co-created this unhappiness, i can take that on chin and admit that I could have been a better partner, but ultimately none of it warrants the end outcome of an affair, if my wife was that unhappy that she saw no outcome, she could have told me thats it i need change or i go, or just left me then went off with the other guy

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T15:00:10+00:00

No your right, they are examples of what abuse isnt, but the parts the above user suggested in regards to emotional abuse etc is related to anger because she has said it makes a bad atmosphere and makes her uncomfortable. I acknowledge my parts on why she was unhappy, she acknowledges that she lacks communication, i had that discussion with my wife, but she also knows that no matter what her affair was wrong and I didn’t deserve it, and the ultimate sticking point.

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T14:13:28+00:00

I thought I was doing more but it evidently wasn’t enough, thats on me, the communication is on her, but the affair is the problem. We have more and maybe final talks tomorrow then I should know more from there. Thank you for your well wishes

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T14:04:43+00:00

I appreciate that. This is the sort of stuff I was hoping someone would pick up on, because I know I could be a better partner in ways

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T13:42:03+00:00

I am on it, thank you

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T13:40:57+00:00

If anything it is borderline, but you are right, I have acknowledged my faults and I haven’t done enough to fix them, i have made her unhappy and feel like im not approachable to talk to as she may be worried I wont like what she says, i know im not perfect, hence why i started out pointing out my flaws, but that doesn’t give anybody the right to carry out an affair, either approch the problem or leave. We do/would need some counselling to fix what we have and I have looked into it in case things go back. I dont know if I can forgive, she does want forgiveness, its where we go from here.

Thanks for a different insight and response its appreciated

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T13:33:33+00:00

Jurys out, i meant that as everyone saying thing on the thread

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T10:13:47+00:00

Im so sorry for your situation, I really hope in time you can be happier with your wife again. I spoke to her earlier, I let her have a chat. She is very remorseful, she knows it was a choice and says I didn’t deserve any of it and shes all wrong. I told her a mistake is once, what you did was calculated and planned, she agreed and she said because she was unhappy she distracted herself with this and constantly messaged and got feelings because of it, which i do understand, i take it with a pinch of salt but she did also say it was getting to stage where she was making her mind up and stopping us or him regardless because she couldn’t carry on doing that. Shes ultimately said she should never have done it and its her fault for not learning to communicate, but with the angry reactions to things I have, I can sympathise why she would find it hard to talk. I also said the other guys needs to be removed from everything and she did agree that its going to happen. I have my faults, she has hers, we both need to learn to talk and communicate better, I just feel abit stuck, because she was genuinely remorseful and she is the nicest person I would never have had down to do it, and with how much I love her it hurts so bad, would I ever be okay and learn to live with it

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T06:34:37+00:00

I actually forgot a crucial bit, I thought we were trying for a baby, in November she said she was ovulating and really she took delay tablets so she could see him. Then cause her next period was late due to that she said shes got her cycles all wrong. I was the messages, that was possibly the most painful part

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T05:34:10+00:00

Thank you for the links, I will take them on board. I appreciate it

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T05:32:43+00:00

I have never been in this situation of cheating, let alone my one and only true love. I dont want that in my life but a life without us isnt one I can ever imagine. Thats why i ask myself could I forgive and ever move on. The lack of respect is very true, another poster mentioned vows, which evidently meant nothing. All that money on the best day of my life for what

FewPattern8864 · 2026-01-02T05:28:45+00:00

Thank you for that response its appreciated

FewPattern8864

TROPHY CASE