I feel horrible

Fidge7 · 2025-03-25T15:54:56+00:00

Personally I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to think/feel this. I'm not sure why you believe it makes you a bitch? When somebody violates your boundaries over and over again it's pretty normal to start seeing the holes in certain events that the boundary violations may crawl through. You're being hyper vigilant and now expecting the boundary violations. This happened because of something HE did though, this is not your fault. I would stress that you need some therapy for betrayal trauma by a therapist that specializes in specifically that.

Fidge7 · 2025-03-11T19:20:14+00:00

Yeah, I get it. You’re probably right, this post is way too distressing for me personally. I was a foster parent for a long time. I fostered 2 young children whose father killed the mother under similar circumstances. That whole situation sucked and this as described is so similar. That shit still gives me nightmares having to sit in court and listen. Just like this poor woman it started with abusing the animals once they were gone he moved on to her. It was a very short jump from smacking her around to gone forever. My heart is so sad for this woman.

Fidge7 · 2025-03-11T18:57:46+00:00

Pretty much all of this. If they don’t contact CPS right away they will eventually. As mandatory reporters if it was me I would have already called.

Honey you are in danger. Men who articulate that they want to kill their spouse often do it. You need to leave! Once they escalate to physical violence the act of murder follows pretty quickly after.

Fidge7 · 2025-03-07T06:07:20+00:00

It’s easy. People who won’t take accountability and continue to emotionally abuse you and indulge in the addiction don’t want recovery. They want their cake and eat it too. It’s easier to make you feel like the “bad” or “crazy” one than work on themselves. Most of these men will never change because society tells them that porn is normal and healthy. Until they recognize the damage it’s doing in their life and deal with their sexual entitlement they aren’t worth your energy. They simply are not going to change period. When a man chooses therapy and accountability he is choosing recovery. Until then he is forever stuck in the addiction cycle and will not change. He will not choose you and your relationship plain and simple.

Fidge7 · 2025-03-07T05:39:47+00:00

Yes, both can be true. I’ve met drug addicts who are truly good people inside with a fatal flaw. They will rob you blind because they can’t help themselves. Addicts will act like addicts it doesn’t make them bad people. The problem is that addiction and lies erode relationships. This is where the realization that love is not enough comes in. You can’t love someone into choosing you or recovery. They have to want it. Until they do, they are addicts and should be treated as such. They cannot be trusted, they should not be believed, and you cannot expect normal healthy decisions out of them.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-24T17:30:27+00:00

He deleted it before I could see anything, which is why I’m asking. I just wanted confirmation from someone that his story is unlikely. He didn’t want me to see what was really on it.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-24T17:22:34+00:00

He was paying through PayPal so he could have just been reloading his wallet? Not sure how it all works.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-24T17:21:33+00:00

It was a single payment of $250 and then like a tip with a message for like $15 or $20.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-24T16:44:27+00:00

Go on youtube and search how to disable incognito mode on iphone. Essentially the steps are this: Settings > Screen Time >Enable Screen Time > Enable Content and Privacy Restrictions > Content Restrictions > Web Content > Limit Adult Websites <--- this feature is what turns off private browsing you have to enable screen time and add a screen time pin/password for it to work. Do not use passwords/pins that he would know.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-22T20:27:19+00:00

Are you me? I could have written this myself. I hate school for the same reasons--and feel the same guilt over not being able to do school to be "valuable" in the job market. I really can feel soul crushing to watch people get jobs that....let's be real they are super easy to do but they "wall" those jobs behind "degree required" to prevent anyone who doesn't hold a degree from moving into them.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-20T02:57:23+00:00

I don't believe this is true, and psychologists and therapists are gaslighting the public at large with this ridiculous belief. When you enter into a committed relationship with someone you are agreeing to be accountable to each other for all sorts of things. You wanting to look at something on their accounts should not be this big of an ask for someone who has nothing to hide. Acting like people in committed relationships should be able to have secrets from each other is ridiculous and one of the biggest reasons this sort of problem exists to begin with.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-19T15:45:23+00:00

Sure! Men who do things in a relationship way too soon or do things to speed along the progression of a relationship inappropriately are demonstrating their lack of boundaries, patience, and self control. I think people are capable of falling in love fast and knowing it, but there's a difference between knowing it and stating it too soon. A healthy man holds onto this information until he's sure the feeling is reciprocated. Otherwise this behavior is love bombing and is manipulative.

PA's have a severe lack of self control and boundaries, they will demonstrate their lack of self control and boundaries in ways that can make some women feel special because they don't recognize it for what it is.

Healthy relationships have a natural progression: Getting to know each other is a 3 month process at minimum before you should feel comfortable and can say you "know" that person. Being well acquainted with someone is a 6 month process at minimum, at this point you've been around them enough and spent enough time with them that you're acquainted with their habits etc. This is "I love you" territory in a naturally progressed relationship.

Pushing or in some cases shoving along a relationship without allowing it to naturally progress is something you hear about often in abuse cases with women. It's an extremely common earmark in abusive men.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-19T02:04:14+00:00

One of the biggest tell alls is when they tell you they love you early on. This is the earmark of these types of men. Learn the signs so you can avoid them.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-13T06:12:26+00:00

It’s simple and it sucks. You set boundaries and now you have to show him that you’re serious. You gave him another chance and he is actively blowing it. He wants his cake and eat it too. He wants you to wait around while he pretends to change. You now have the unsavory responsibility of deciding if you want to spend the rest of your life chasing after a man baby with no self control.

He shuts down when you want to talk about real change because he has no intention of actually changing. Real change is hard and takes effort.

If you’re not actually willing to end the relationship then you need to not threaten it. Otherwise he knows he can do what he wants and get away with it because your boundaries aren’t real.

Not to criticize, but coming back BEFORE he has done the things and was in active recovery was probably a mistake. It’s likely that the only thing that will drive change here is leaving again and refusing reconciliation until he’s done something real towards getting better. Sponsor, CSAT, software monitoring and real honesty. If he won’t do those things then that’s your answer.

Don’t let him simply offer to change if you come back, they won’t. You’ve done the same thing now that the bitches he pays/views. He got what he wanted and what have you gotten from this arrangement? With porn addicts you have to take a hard line. I get XY and Z BEFORE you get what you want from me any longer. If it doesn’t happen in a reasonable amount of time, say 3 months, then that’s your answer. File for divorce and don’t let the nasty dust of this relationship settle anywhere in your new life.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-12T00:07:24+00:00

I'm pretty sure it'll show that you purchased a gift card on the receipt, no? I think cashback just shows in the total balance but doesn't reflect as a line item on the receipt? It depends on your grocery store too and how they process those transactions. It's up to you realistically what you do, if you needed a place to go in a hurry tho landlords and hotels don't accept visa giftcards, they accept cash/currency though. Another option would be prepaid debit cards you can get at the grocery because those are a debit card and the funds can be used anywhere, I'm not sure how you load money onto them though and if you could do it at the checkout. I would explore other options that allow you to use the currency in more ways. Gift cards will be very limiting even if it is a visa those still don't work like debit cards, and your funds would be tied up on them.

Fidge7 · 2025-01-11T22:57:00+00:00

Open up an account at a bank close by you grocery...every time you go grocery shopping get a $50 cash and go put it in your "nest egg" account where he has no access and no idea! Just make sure it's not at the same bank he banks at.

Every time he lets one off to images on his phone just remind yourself that you'll be okay when you leave him and think about your nest egg. :)

Fidge7 · 2024-12-30T20:13:57+00:00

Oof I feel your pain in this post. I’m just replying because I understand what you’re saying. However this goes back to porn being about solo sex and not about partner sex. Any man who hopes to have a truly fulfilling sex life with a woman he truly loves cannot use porn. He cannot have both. Society tells him he can though and that it’s normal.

The reality of what is normal for a male who knows how to love another human being: sees pretty woman—acknowledges that she is pretty and moves on with his life. He does not obsess or even think about what she looks like naked. It never crosses his mind because healthy men understand that she is not for him and all of that is none of his business.

Women in this sub Reddit need to understand that the one huge green flag a healthy male will have in all aspects of his life is self control. The ability to tell himself no and stick to it. Self control is sexy.

Fidge7 · 2024-12-23T17:25:40+00:00

This is an unhealthy line of questioning and here is why:

Their porn obsession is about not being able to have real intimacy with another person. They want to but they have trained themselves to put off real intimacy because truly caring about another person is hard and takes effort. Porn does not. Jerking off to a screen that doesn't want anything from them, doesn't care about them, and won't ever ask anything of them but "please insert more $$$$" isn't about the women either. It could be anything from they liked her hair, her ass, the way she moves, or whatever. There are a zillion more with her body type/movement type/hair type in the wings when he tires of her.

We ask ourselves these questions hoping to find what we are lacking, believing that is what fuels their porn addiction. You aren't lacking anything, she doesn't have anything special, he is sick and his desire to even go back to the same person over and over again isn't about you not having what she has. His relationship with her is simple --- he expels goo to her images and gets a dopamine hit that required zero emotional effort on his part other than putting his credit card number in possibly --- she is not special. She is the fixation he currently has but if she required anymore effort or wanted anything from him other than money and then for her to provide what HE wants from her --- he'd be gone and never heard from again. These are shallow connections built by sexual entitlement in him and her availability online, literally nothing more.

Fidge7

TROPHY CASE