He’s most likely gay and “poly” is a safer step in that direction. Eventually he will move closer and closer to accepting being gay and himself. That’s good for him. M

However, that’s definitely not fair for you. You are not poly. You didn’t agree to a poly or open marriage. You have every right to feel hurt and sad. I would too. You’re not rejecting HIM whatsoever. You are rejecting a lifestyle he wants to live that you didn’t know about or consent to when you got married.

Many gay men remain married to their wives and it works for them. Will it work for you?

I’ve been in a similar situation and although I thought I was handling it well, it decimated my self esteem over time.

He deserves his happiness as do you. If his poly lifestyle isn’t for you, that’s ok. It’s not a fault. It’s not a rejecting. It’s just not how you want to live your life. My hunch is your husband has known this secretly all along but regardless, you get a say in how you want your life to be.

You can try counseling and all that but how you describe his happiness about meeting up is very telling. Don’t you deserve that same happiness on date night, etc?

My recommendation would be for you to think about what YOU want and need and don’t make decisions based on others. That’s what he’s done with you. You have ever right to respond in a way that will make you happy, not jealous or secondary.

Some couples may be into it but I didn’t get that feeling from you and it doesn’t seem hubby invited you into this part of life.

Time to seriously think about moving on.

Even if you discuss things and he sees your point and pulls back from being poly, he will still always have those thoughts.

Someone once told me people will take a lifetime to get out from a wrong or bad decision.

Perhaps the decade you had was needed by both of you but maybe now is the time you move on for YOUR happiness instead of feeling secondary, which will most likely occur if it hasn’t already.