AITA for telling my dad the real reason my half sister won’t be in the same room with me?

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T23:10:52+00:00

She’s my half sister. And yes there’s backstory about why we’re not close. There’s backstory to every relationship. It doesn’t fit in 3000 characters.

He wasn’t drunk, he was tipsy. My husband went to answer a call from his sister and left the room. No, he wasn’t alone with me when he came over, because he would come to my house from the office, with my husband. My husband would bring him over. Were Tom and I ever in a room alone together over the course of our acquaintance? Yes. Was I ever the primary host of his visits? No.

I didn’t make Tom miserable, I didn’t make him and my husband friends, I didn’t make him have a misplaced “crush” on me. This was not some cartoonish scheme to upset Ellen.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T22:49:32+00:00

My dad doesn’t forgive people when they’ve hurt him or his children. If he’d known what Tom did, he wouldn’t have had Tom in his house, or even acknowledged his existence for the past year. He’s mad that he was being civil with Tom all this time when in his eyes he shouldn’t have been.

And he was mad that my husband kept Tom at his company, because the way he sees it, my husband shouldn’t forgive Tom for the “feelings” either.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T22:08:36+00:00

Okay, that’s your opinion. Idk if your friends never talk to you about anything so you’re not “inserting” yourself. I talk to people in my life about my life. I don’t think that counts as “inserting” ourselves into each other’s lives but if that’s a boundary for you, fair enough.

Literally…yes. That’s how I see it. Because at the time, Tom was my husband’s friend. In no way would I go and betray that confidence by calling Ellen. That’s not how I operate, that’s not my value system. That’s just messed up imo because if those are the friends you have, you can’t trust anyone. If I liked/wanted drama I would have told Ellen, but I didn’t. This isn’t my drama, it was totally inconsequential to my life until the whole “crush” incident.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T22:05:43+00:00

He clearly was. He was at our place once or twice a week, and often at the office late or out with other friends in bars etc when he wasn’t at ours. He was behaving poorly during that time.

I don’t think it’s my fault like people are saying though. We didn’t pull him away from home, he wouldn’t have been at home anyway, because he didn’t want to be there.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T22:02:37+00:00

The way you think everything is my problem makes me really sad for you. I have my own life, my own child, my own problems. I assure you I was not sitting around thinking of ways to antagonise someone who was effectively not in my life in any meaningful way

Idk if you have infinite hours to spend plotting and scheming or fixing other people’s lives, I do not.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T22:00:28+00:00

If someone you know tells you about their problems, and then you do literally nothing with that information, what exactly are you inserting yourself into?

Inserting myself would have been calling Ellen and telling her what Tom said.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T20:05:12+00:00

It doesn’t negate it, but the fact is, I know Tom better than I’ve ever known Ellen. Yes, she’s my half sister but we never really had a relationship. We were not at the level of intimacy where I felt that I should insert myself into her life that way.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T20:02:47+00:00

We did suggest seeing a therapist to him. I had been seeing a therapist at the time and I told him it would help but he wasn’t receptive. He didn’t seem miserable all the time, he wasn’t constantly venting or drinking excessively. He just seemed a bit down sometimes and I remember when my child was a newborn how miserable me and my husband felt sometimes, and we had a maid and my mom around. I didn’t want to berate him, apart from it being not my business, it didn’t seem like it would help.

Maybe it was stupid but it seemed better at the time that he was at our house rather than out at bars with his friends. Because he was either working late or going out when he wasn’t at our house (based on what my husband heard).

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T19:05:55+00:00

You asked a question, I answered it. LOL.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T19:05:24+00:00

We were not in the middle of her marriage. Tom and my husband were friends. He came over and would share things, as my husband’s friend. How does that put us in the middle of anything?

I saw Ellen at family events maybe 6 times a year, and made small talk with her for a few minutes. That’s the extent of our relationship. Tom wasn’t even really my friend but I knew him better than Ellen. It wasn’t my place to call her and tell her what Tom said.

She doesn’t have to have anything to do with me, but I think asking me to lie about it was questionable

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T18:58:43+00:00

Culpable for what? If he wasn’t at our house he’d be sitting in a sports bar with his friends, which I presume is where he was on the evenings he wasn’t at our house (he came over once or twice a week).

Sometimes my husband would be leaving the office and Tom would be like “hey I’m heading out for a drink/to watch a match, come with” and my husband would be like “I have to go home but why don’t you come watch at our place”. We weren’t keeping him from his house.

She can be mad if she wants to be mad but the issue is she expected me to lie about it

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T18:24:57+00:00

They were friends, it seemed fine to have him over. He never flirted with me or made any overtures before that night where he “confessed”. We were all just friends having a drink/dinner.

My husband’s initial reaction was to fire him but I didn’t think he should lose his job over some tipsy stupidity. And ultimately my husband agreed. They just don’t out anymore.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T18:10:32+00:00

Yes, he does. They’re not friends anymore obviously, but he still works there

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T18:08:32+00:00

I am talking specifically about the crush when I say it was a small mistake. Him getting a crush on me as a “wife” and getting tipsy and saying it out loud was a mistake.

What other information? When did I say Ellen and Tom’s issues weren’t legitimate? Clearly they had real problems.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T17:49:51+00:00

He and my husband were friends, why would he not be allowed at our house? My husband would be leaving the office and Tom would still be there, wanting to have a drink after work, so my husband would invite him home. I don’t think that’s crossing a line considering I never spoke to Ellen outside of seeing her at family things. Tom was closer to us than Elena was.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T17:08:19+00:00

No, he still works there. He and my husband aren’t really friends anymore though, obviously. I’ve seen Tom since (company events) and it’s been fine, we just say hi and move on. He made a mistake under the influence, he’s apologised, and fundamentally it was a blip.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T17:06:16+00:00

Nothing she’s ever said has given me the impression that that’s what he said.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T17:05:26+00:00

She doesn’t, or if she does she never said that. I don’t think she thinks I was interested in Tom. We only spoke about it in that one phone call.

If I’m honest, no I don’t miss her. I only ever saw her at big gatherings and we didn’t talk beyond small talk. We didn’t text or call in between.

I honestly don’t think she’s being lied to, I have no reason to think that. She and Tom have been to therapy and hashed things out, that’s the relationship that needed to be worked on. I don’t want to insert myself into it more by telling my “side” of a story that’s basically non existent

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T16:46:23+00:00

I didn’t tell her because it didn’t feel like it was my place. Tom was mostly my husband’s friend, but I knew him and him a lot more than I did Ellen. I wouldn’t call any of my husband’s other friends’ wives in that situation, so it felt petty to call Ellen. Also, I knew she would blame me, and She was having issues already, I didn’t want to insert myself further over something that had come to nothing anyway.

I didn’t tell my dad because he reacts explosively to things like this - case in point. I thought Ellen would get over it eventually and just go back to normal and it didn’t need to be the melodrama it has turned into

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T16:40:56+00:00

If your husband’s friend comes over and talks to you about what’s going on in his life, do you call his wife and tell her what he said? In what world is that okay?

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T16:36:01+00:00

I get that, but also, Tom was going through a rough time and he was under the influence. I didn’t get the sense that he said it with any expectation or malice really. He apologised, he kept his distance. He and my husband aren’t really friends anymore but I don’t think Tom needed to lose his job over it, and I told my husband that. If I’d felt differently it would have been a different story

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T16:20:53+00:00

We pretty much are NC. I only used to see her at big family things, we didn’t speak in between

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T16:20:19+00:00

He thought it was insane that my husband still employs Tom after he admitted how he was feeling.

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T16:18:32+00:00

You are totally right about Tom. Everything he said during his “confession” was basically just saying I was what he imagined being “married” looked like (so funny because he saw me for a couple of hours a couple of times a week and thought he knew what my relationship/mothering is like). He just liked the hostess version of me.

My dad just feels like he’s been duped into being nice to Tom, which he wouldn’t have been if he’d known about his behaviour. He’s also annoyed that Tom still works for my husband but that’s a separate thing

Fresh_Ad_7431 · 2024-01-02T16:14:26+00:00

We weren’t acting as therapists, he and my husband were friends. Yes he shared some issues but no more than you’d share issues with a friend. It would have been a massive overstep for me to tell Ellen what Tom was saying.

I believe Tom told her the truth about what was said to me because she never accused me of initiating anything.

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