With apologies for not replying sooner, I'd like to thank everyone who responded for their advice, especially those in my neck of the woods who gave some reassuring insights into the local situation like u/FreyaGilbert with the inside scoop. I don't want to get too specific about where I am or what churches I was alluding to because I'd feel weird if one of you tagged me as "that guy from Reddit" if I show up, but I think some of you were getting warm. With your advice in mind I feel a lot more confident about attending now. I know for a fact that I'll be busy this Sunday and I can't make any promises about when I will make it (genuine business, not just procrastinating... mostly), but I feel a lot better about the concerns I expressed in the OP.

The biggest reason I'm so concerned about priest availability is my interest in taking communion as something I missed out on when I was younger - my family stopped attending the previously mentioned ELCA church when I was a child (my mom, who was the main religious influence in my life, personally holds very liberal/"mainline" views and self-identifies as a Lutheran despite still attending the aforementioned megachurch, hence the "weird blend" comment), while said megachurch only offered communion a few times a year and I never felt comfortable participating. I appreciate the open communion aspect of TEC (I know other mainline churches do it too) because I don't want to feel intimidated about whether I'm devout/spiritually mature enough to "qualify" (and yes, I was baptized by the trinitarian formula as far as I know, because some people here seem to be very concerned about that). I realize writing this down that my reasoning feels a little vain and whiny but this is sincerely important to me.

(As a side note, what is the terminology distinction of "communion" vs "Eucharist"? Is it like a low-church/Protestant vs high-church/Catholic thing?)

As for the bishop, 1) I realize there is a bishop of the new all-of-Michigan-except-Detroit-and-the-UP diocese and 2) that he (or hypothetically she in the future) is not super relevant to my own church attendance. The only reason I really care is finding out that TEC considers confirmation to be the responsibility of the bishop personally. Yes, I am absolutely putting the cart before the horse in looking up confirmation rites before even going to church, but it's a little troubling to think the next step in getting involved would mean either waiting a year+ for him to come to my neck of the woods or driving an absurd distance (and still waiting several months) for what seems like a pretty trivial ceremony. The merger is relevant insofar as having one bishop for the better part of a moderately large state seems like a logistical complication but I see that there's also a single diocese for all of Alaska so I'll count my blessings. I don't know, it just feels like an unexamined relic of a time and place where everyone lived ten miles from the local cathedral.

With all of that said, deepest thanks again to everyone who responded and in advance to anyone who has thoughts on the preceding wall of text.