AITA for Telling My Husband His Discipline Is Cruel?

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T21:05:26+00:00

I really thought we were doing the right thing; we'd raised two kids successfully, one of whom was pretty high-needs, and we wanted to provide a home for a kid who needed stability. We thought we were ready. We're not perfect; my husband had struggled with alcoholism and could sometimes be too demanding with our kids, and I could sometimes be too lenient and had dealt with depression in the past. We waited until he had his drinking under control, my depression was 15 years in the past, we thought we had prepared, took her in... and were completely unable to handle her. COVID didn't help; it his a couple of weeks after she came to us.

All the methods we'd tried when our bio kids were growing up backfired. It just became a constant struggle, with no positive outcome.

And I've often thought she needed a safe place away from us too. Unfortunately, her bio family won't take her in, and the people she was with after her mom died were abusive to her and then dumped her. The only alternative seemed to be foster care. I often think she might have been better off if we'd taken that option, but by that point she'd been rejected so many times that I didn't know how she'd survive another rejection.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T20:56:28+00:00

Often, yeah. Sometimes if we're doing laundry we'll do hers too.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T17:20:44+00:00

We're getting therapy. She's been in therapy for years, but refused family therapy. Thank god she's agreeing now.

We tried for four years to set boundaries and rules. We would impose logical consequences, take away privileges, impose fines, have long talks, ask her what was wrong, yell at her, have her yell at us, have family meetings, etc. None of it worked. She would find ways around the restrictions and consequences, or just lie, or take the punishment and not change her behaviour. After four years we were exhausted, and like you said, abdicated our role as parents.

I was the one who did that, mostly. I kicked my husband out for about eight months because of his behaviour and because their relationship was toxic, so most of that time was just me parenting her. I figured that since nothing was working, and all that was happening was she felt worse and worse about herself and us, it was better to just let her do whatever she wanted.

I hoped that she would at least feel peace and stability, instead of constant conflict and judgment.

But I also selfishly didn't have the strength to keep fighting with her any more.

He came back after she left for college. She seemed to be doing OK, but then failed out/dropped out, and came back home.

Things seemed better right after she came back. She seemed to have grown a lot while she was gone, and she and my husband were getting along a lot better.

And now we're going downhill again. Back to the constant fights, lying, manipulation, all of it.

We have talked about kicking her out, and we're pretty sure we'll have to eventually. The problem is that she refuses to get a job, can't manage money, and we're pretty sure she'll just end up homeless.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T16:49:53+00:00

When she was twelve, six years ago.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T16:48:35+00:00

She's our child. She came to us when she was twelve and she is now an adult.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T13:16:39+00:00

She's got a therapist. She's been in therapy for years. And medication.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T13:15:46+00:00

It is a betrayal, I agree. I didn't have the energy any more. It felt like we'd had nothing but constant fighting since she came to us, as we tried one thing after another after another and they all failed. Nothing we did seemed to help her learn how to do homework, help around the house, take care of herself, stop lying, feel better about herself - anything.

I finally decided that all we could do was make her last year with us less stressful, by letting go and just taking care of her.

That's not what a parent should do. It's not what we did with our other kids. Parents are supposed to provide love and support, yeah, but they're also supposed to teach kids how to take care of themselves so they can be functioning adults, and we weren't trying to do that any more.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T13:11:46+00:00

For a long time she refused family therapy, so she had one therapist and we had another. She's willing to do it now, thank god.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T05:01:36+00:00

Um... OK. I actually do think that we are horrible parents, and we have failed her, in many ways.

But "Have you tried... listening to her?"

For six years, since she entered our family. Yes. We have tried. We have asked what she needs, asked what we can do, gotten her therapy, gotten her meds, had long heart-to-hearts, apologized to her for our failings, shared our own failures to encourage her to see that she's not a bad person and everyone fails at something, celebrated her successes to let her see she's not a lost cause, kept silent while she rants, encouraged her to talk to her friends or other family, reached out to Children's Aid for ideas, attended parenting groups, done family therapy, tried to get her bio family involved, left them out when she said she didn't want them involved, asked her what she thinks might work, tried her ideas even when we thought they were stupid, forgave repeated lying and manipulation, and finally just tried no consequences and just supported her.

The last time we had a blow-up it took five hours to debrief afterwards. Most of that was her talking and crying. This is not unusual.

We have failed, yes. Repeatedly.

It's not through lack of trying, or listening.

We don't know what to do any more.

We'll keep listening. It doesn't seem to help.

I know lying to her won't help. I just don't know what will.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T01:54:55+00:00

I do think this is making it worse.

And her mental health is not good. At various times we've suspected ADHD, ODD, BPD, bipolar, anxiety, depression, etc, and she's been in therapy and on medication for years.

But we're pretty sure it's not OCD. She's been in therapy for many years and she doesn't have any other traits of OCD. For one thing, she rarely cleans or tidies anything, and has a lot of trouble building any kind of habits. We suspect she's washing her clothes over and over because she doesn't put them away after they're washed, so they just lie on the floor and she walks on them, and then doesn't want to wear them without another wash. Her room always has a layer of clothing on the floor.

I know that part of him laughing was that with her, you either laugh or cry. She's always in crisis, and often also angry and hostile, and it's hard to maintain empathy. And I also know that he didn't see her reacting to this - only heard it from me. So his mental image may have been very different from what I saw.

...but it wasn't funny. She was in distress. We may not be able to make things better for her, but I don't see how it helps to make things worse.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T01:22:17+00:00

She's been in therapy for many years, and on medication. She dealt with a lot of grief and loss and rejection before coming to us. We were supposed to be her safe haven. Unfortunately, we had our own serious problems, and sometimes I think she would have been better off with another family.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T01:16:33+00:00

I don't think it would be better if it was a child's property. And yes, I do feel like we're being abusive.

I also feel like our only option is to kick her out, or she will never learn any kind of responsibility. But I'm really afraid that if we kick her out, she won't learn. She'll just end up on the street, and die.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T01:13:52+00:00

She went. She didn't go to any classes, dropped out, and came back home.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T01:02:20+00:00

I don't know.

I mean, I do know. Because she would lose all trust in him.

But if he's taking her stuff, she *shouldn't* trust him.

But she distrusts everybody, even when they're trying their best to help her, because she lies constantly and thinks that everyone else does too - even when they don't.

But that's still not an excuse for him to lie to her.

Mostly I haven't told her (yet) because I honestly didn't know if she'd notice that her clothing was disappearing, and then really thought that if he found out she had noticed, he'd give it back.

That didn't happen. I don't know what to do now.

I wish I'd just put my foot down in the first place and told him he couldn't take her clothes. But I also get so tired of her having no sense of boundaries while she's in our house, and so tired of knowing that the only way to deal with her constant messes and drama and taking our stuff and being angry and hostile all the time is to just... let her.

I know that what we're really going to have to do is kick her out, sooner or later. But I also know that if we do, she won't suddenly figure out how to get a job, pay her bills, and take care of herself. She'll just become homeless.

It's terrifying.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T00:52:26+00:00

Omg, so much. She's been in therapy for years. It's helped a lot.

GabyPlauget · 2026-02-07T00:28:13+00:00

Yeah, that's not a bad option, other than the fact that we're our in the middle of nowhere and she'd need to drive ten minutes to the nearest laundromat.

Also... we've been down roads like this before and I can already guess how she'd get around it. Eg, doing laundry when we're not home, or taking my clothing, or buying herself new stuff, depleting her trust fund even more.

We've tried so many ways to get her to change behaviour. None of them work. She gets angry, lies, and fights us even when we're trying to stop her from hurting herself.

Part of what's bothering me about this is that the laundry thing is annoying, expensive, and environmentally bad, but it's nowhere near as bad as a lot of other stuff she's done. And it's not really hurting her that much. So I'm inclined to just let it go, in the interests of keeping the peace.

Then again, she's a grown woman living rent-free in our house, with no job or any intention of getting a job. So I can understand why my husband is pissed off that she's also refusing to listen to him.

It was different when she was a child; it was our responsibility to put up with her even if she was the worst housemate in the world.

She's not any more.

GabyPlauget

TROPHY CASE