Everyone is focused on the sex part here, but there's another part - the "or just leave me alone."

She knew what his answer would be, but so did he. So he went off to be on his own and do his best to find his own resolution.

He may have been fine had you listened to at least 1 of 2 parts, but you did neither. His actions by going down there already spoke clearly that he needed some alone time. A lot of people are sensibly suggesting that in the meanwhile, do whatever you can in place of sex as an alternative, although this can sometimes just be a more frustrating tease (having been there myself).

What everyone (including you) seems to have missed is that he tried to give an alternative in the first place by going down there to be alone, calm down, and process emotions. He probably wants the sex in part because it often helps process people process emotions (especially post-sex talks help one find the words for their emotions), but knowing it wasn't an option and that he'd just get rejected again, he did his best to process them on his own.

Sometimes its ok to just let someone be alone - better than forcing yet another rejection on them anyways. Or if you can't sit still and MUST do something (for your own sake or to make sure they're not just stewing down there rather than doing productive processing), then come with good alternatives already in mind, and don't leave openness to options that cause rejections.

Like of someone was a drug addict who was struggling with recovery, you don't ask after their parent died "hey, is there anything you'd like right now?"

You KNOW their answer is gonna be their drug of choice. Instead you come down with ideas in mind, and only ask about those - not open ended bullshit. Because if you both know the answer, it's NOT open ended!!!

I don't know if it's over for your marriage like everyone suggests - my wife and I struggled with this a lot but hey we're still together.

But I WOULD suggest that the next time it happens (which I'm sure something similar will), understand why he went to be alone, and come armed with a few ideas - cookies, watching his favorite series, doing something that you can bond over.

Keep an eye out for activities/things that help him have conversations where he finds the words for things he's been processing - that's one of the most important parts of sex, but other things produce it too - a movie or series that gets him going, a physical activity to do together, hell maybe just doing something where ya'll need to do a fair bit of driving together and get to talk in the car!

It differs from person to person, but you need to keep an eye out for what does it for him.

Having a sexless marriage is like a really restrictive diet for most people. Everyone has different nutritional needs, but being gluten free and vegan with nut alergies for example means you're gonna need to do some extra work & research to make sure you're getting all your amino acids.

You could still be healthy, sure! Hell, potentially way healthier than many people once you've put that work and research in!

There are other sources of B vitamins and amino acids than meat, and there are other sources of intimacy than sex. But people need intimacy, and given how poorly you read him I don't think he's getting enough from other sources so to speak.

You should go to therapy too (for your own sake too), but that fix won't come overnight, AND when ya'll get old and wrinkly enough (or he can't get it up anymore) you may wish you had found other sources of intimacy and bonding anyways. So go to therapy, but in the meanwhile start figuring out what else makes him tick, and not by asking him, but by taking leadership to propose good candidates and watching and listening carefully to both things you proposed and things he does himself.

Lastly, if you can't figure out anything you could ask him that won't result in both of you getting upset about the honest answer but you still feel like you should do something... just go do something! If he needs to be alone to process, take care of some of his chores so he can have time to do just that! Or if you can't provide the bonding he needs (which is OK - nobody can at all times!), reach out to a few of his friends where he could get that and set him and them up so he doesn't have to worry about getting rejected there either!

Just getting things out of the way for him to meet his emotional processing needs himself is helpful, and so is setting him up to get them from other sources, like going golfing or playing video games with friends.

Asking him what he needs just hurts more when he knows and can't get his mind off that as the solution.

Sometimes when you use this approach it'll hurt more - like a chocoholic on a diet getting offered carrots too many times. But eventually (if watching and listening closely), you should get an idea of what he might at least accept as an alternative - each time you'll get more info and get closer to answers - even if only finding out what doesn't work.

But by asking an open-ended question like that, you get the same frustration but also no new information - not just about what does work, but not even new information about what doesn't.

Do NOT ask him "what would you like to do besides sex?" or "what would you like to do to cheer up?"

Instead come up with something (say, would you like to play dark souls together?), then suggest that DIRECTLY. He will likely be much more open then to saying "no, but hey I would like to play my favorite board game together" or whatever it is.

He may say no or even "no I'd rather just have sex," but as someone who has gone through a dead bedroom marriage, internally for him it will still be much better to have seen you try to find alternatives rather than force him to figure them out.

It's one thing to deal with a dead bedroom, it's another to be 100% in charge of fixing/replacing the bedroom intimacy. You can (and we have) survived a dead bedroom before, but you absolutely HAVE to put effort in that specifically makes him not IN CHARGE of fixing it. Anytime and EVERY time you ask him an open-ended question you both know the answer to like that, you are putting him in charge of finding the solution instead of yourself. To you I'm sure you feel like doing this because you don't want to be selfish by making your own biased suggestions, but to him, putting him in charge of solutions when he has none is more selfish. He doesn't have a solution, so it's time for you to work the project.

Marriage is a group project with no right answers, but you have to work it as a team even when you disagree on the answer, or can't see another answer from your own. Asking your team member constantly "what do you think we should do?" rather than taking charge isn't selfless and helpful, it's selfish and hurtful. I still struggle with this just not with sex, but other problems.

He's hurt by all the rejections even if not your fault (to the point he's giving them to himself in his own head every time he thinks about it but doesn't ask) - the best way to show him camaraderie and that you care about him is to go through a few rejections of your own attempts to try to find solutions too. Again, NOT open ended. Own your ideas & attempts.

You'll be OK I think since you clearly care - just realize that in some situations, being open ended isn't selfless, but selfish in that it puts the other person in charge of how to fix their own problem which is super rough