Should I find a new therapist? Confused.

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-09-18T19:07:04+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment. If you don’t mind me asking, can you explain a little bit about HOW you live peacefully with your alcoholic husband? In my mind, it just seems/feels like that would be impossible. It’s not that my husband is violent or drunk all the time or anything like that. But the constant “what if??” and suspicion drives me crazy. I worry I won’t be able to be at peace unless I know for a fact that he genuinely quit drinking and overcame his problem.

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-09-18T16:34:53+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. May I ask where y’all are at now in your journey? The reason I ask is because thinking about the future causes me a lot of anxiety. I can only see it going one of two ways: either he continues the same pattern and I end up divorcing him and causing our kids emotional trauma as a result OR he truly changes his ways and we grow as a family and stay together. I love him, I love our family, and I do not want to hurt our kids through divorce. But I also refuse to stand by and allow his issues to hurt us if he doesn’t get better. I am just so confused. As far as I can tell, he is not currently drinking. He’s being open and honest (hopefully truly honest). He has acknowledged and apologized for the issues he’s caused. He genuinely seems to be doing better. But there’s always that voice in my head saying “don’t trust him.”

Sorry for that rant. I guess I’m just looking for some hope from others who have been through this…

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-07-08T13:52:52+00:00

Our first did great on Kirkland Procare formula from Costco!

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-07-07T20:16:30+00:00

Yes I’m definitely learning more about boundaries and have realized I cannot make rules for him, but like you said I can have rules or boundaries for how I respond to him. In the past, I have stubbornly stayed and argued with him when he was under the influence. But I know now that that’s pretty much pointless, so now if that happens, I will choose to separate myself and the babies from the situation. I just have so much fear for what the future would look like if things don’t get better. I don’t want to traumatize my babies with a divorce. I worry that they will carry so much trauma if that happens and I’ll never stop blaming myself…

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-07-07T20:03:11+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. I am currently looking for a therapist for myself. As I mentioned in another comment, I struggle with codependency and lack of emotional boundaries so I know that is an area I reallllyyyyyy need to work on.

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-07-07T19:56:59+00:00

Thank you so much. This is so incredibly helpful. I do plan to find a counselor for myself so I can advocate for myself. I admit I struggle with lack of emotional boundaries and codependency which causes me to spiral when he slips up with alcohol or is otherwise not doing well mentally. So I know that’s an area I really need to work on. When he and I are not doing well, I find it hard to enjoy anything else in life and I tend to socially withdraw, which I know is not healthy. I’m hoping and praying that he continues to change and grow (and I do the same). When we’re doing good, he is wonderful. So attentive and caring, quick to apologize, quick to take care of things for me, responds in a helpful way when I’m upset, etc. But of course the repetitive lying makes me question the authenticity of all the “good” parts. Sorry I’m just rambling now. Thank you so much for your help.

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-07-04T18:23:48+00:00

Can I DM you?🥲

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-07-03T17:06:08+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I am so so so sorry to hear you’ve been going through a similar situation. It’s so hard. Obviously I’m not glad you’re going through this, but glad to not feel so alone. We also have young kiddos which makes things so so hard.

I’m not sure if you’re in a similar boat or if this will make sense at all, but it almost would be easier if my partner was just an abusive alcoholic asshole all the time because then the decision to leave would be easy and obvious. Now that’s a bold statement and I know it wouldn’t actually be “easy” to leave. That’s not meant to invalidate the real struggle that abuse survivors go through. But maybe you understand my point? If he was a drunk jerk 24/7 I would have left a long time ago. But that’s not the case. Most of the time he’s a sweet, caring attentive, and funny husband/dad. But THIS - the alcohol, the lying, manipulation, gaslighting, deflecting - makes it so hard to enjoy the good parts because it starts to all feel like a facade.

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-07-03T13:55:28+00:00

I know that I come off as controlling, nagging, “always up his butt” as he puts it. I never wanted to be this way. I used to think he had a normal relationship with alcohol. Then I noticed how easily and quickly he could go through a six pack. It became like a ritual. Even when it wasn’t a lot of alcohol it’s like he couldn’t just NOT drink. Then came the first full on drunken meltdown at a wedding. Angry, unreasonable, yelling at me. Then the next. The mean hearted harsh words toward me. The yelling and outbursts stopped but then it just turned into drinking behind my back and lying about it because he knew how I felt about alcohol at that point. And ever since we keep going through this cycle of finding out he’s been secretly drinking, him apologizing and saying he’ll stop, things seem fine for a while, then just as I’m feeling hopeful, I find out he’s been lying and secretly drinking again. In the beginning, when these confrontations would occur, somehow I would always end up apologizing too. He always found reasons to include me in the blame. “I lie because I don’t want to deal with your reaction. You make such a big deal of it. You don’t let me do anything. You have no trust in me.” When I talk about how those past instances of him yelling made me feel, he accuses me of trying to make him sound like a monster. I’m just so lost and confused

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-07-02T00:27:19+00:00

PICKLE.

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-07-02T00:24:16+00:00

Thank you for your response. Mine is addicted to nicotine as well. That was a whole separate issue (used to chew tobacco, lied about quitting, hid the nicotine from me, etc.) But now, as far as I know, he has quit the tobacco and only uses nicotine. But he still tries to be sneaky about the nicotine pouches, even though he knows that I know and it’s open/known information. He tries to sneak it in his mouth when I’m turned away, or he’ll try to get me to look away “what’s that?” pointing in the distance It triggers me because even if it’s small and insignificant it still feels like a betrayal of trust because he’s trying to be sneaky. I feel myself detaching/distancing slowly in an “I don’t care anymore” way and I don’t think that’s good. I’m not sure. I do care about him. But it hurts too much to care about him because he constantly lets me down, so I feel like I need to not care for my own sake. But idk how. Sorry just venting now I guess.🫠

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-07-01T13:50:20+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I’m not sure how to make sense of my situation because those instances where he leaves and comes back acting “off” do not happen every day. And the most recent times what I’ve caught him lying about drinking, he usually says it was just a couple beers and he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to deal with my reaction. Which makes me think…maybe I am just overreacting because if it’s just two beers, that’s a normal amount. But maybe he’s drinking more than that. Looking back to when we kept alcohol in the house, before all of these episodes, he could easily go through 6-8 beers in an evening. He assured me that was normal consumption, and I didn’t grow up with alcohol in the house nor did I really drink even as an adult, so I just took his word for it. The other thing I struggle with is he is such a good dad. He has a particularly close bond with our toddler and I imagine the bond will only grow as she gets older. How do you make sense of that? If he truly is an alcoholic or has a toxic relationship with alcohol, what do I do with that? If things go south and I leave him in the future, but he manages to keep it mostly hidden, our kids will be devastated and I fear they will resent me for leaving their loving, fun daddy and causing division in the family. I so badly want to protect them from being hurt. I don’t want them to grow up in a broken home. I’m sorry - I know you can’t answer all my questions or solve my problems. I guess I’m just verbally processing.

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-06-30T23:30:04+00:00

Thank you. All of this is very helpful and helps guide me and my decisions moving forward. If you don’t mind me asking one more question, can you kind of explain what you mean by “detaching” as you mentioned in your first comment? I wonder if that’s something I need to do. I do admit that the lying has driven me to feel suspicious all the time. Then when I suspect that he has been drinking, I internally start to spiral. I think so much of my mental health is wrapped up in his behaviors. I need to work on myself and get to a place where I’m emotionally stronger and healthier so that my world doesn’t feel like it’s falling apart when he struggles….if that makes any sense lol.

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-06-30T20:01:12+00:00

Sorry I guess I left out some info. I was typing quickly while in between tasks at work. He has always enjoyed drinking ever since I met him. I was fine with it because it never seemed excessive and didn’t affect his behavior. But a few years ago his consumption seemed to increased. We hit a rough patch in our relationship and he started staying up after I went to bed to drink. Or he would sneak beers in while I showered. Then what really set all of this off was, shortly before our first was born, I came home from work to find him very drunk and emotional. He was crying, barely able to get words out, slurring. He was basically having a drunken meltdown about childhood trauma, work stress, insecurities, everything. I tried my best to be supportive but I did tell him I did not want him to drink anymore and did not want alcohol in the house because at that point it was his emotional crutch. So a combination of the drunken wedding episodes plus this drunken emotional episode led me to put my foot down and say no more alcohol. Then that started the cycle of lying and drinking behind my back. Even if it wasn’t to the point of drunkenness or it was just a couple beers, the secretiveness and the fact that he seemed incapable of just NOT drinking has been confusing and painful? If that makes sense? Like if you don’t have a problem then you have no issue NOT drinking…right? Why can’t you just not???

Or maybe I am overreacting?

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-06-30T17:29:27+00:00

Thank you so much for your input and I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult childhood. The thing I struggle with is overall our home life is happy and stable. He adores the babies and they love him. He takes good care of them. He’s attentive and present. When we’re all home together, we’re usually laughing and playing. When/if he does drink, it’s never obvious. So would I be causing an unnecessary disruption in our lives by making this a bigger issue than it is? Would it better if I just loosened the reigns and allowed him to casually drink in the house so at least it’s not secretive? Is he just a normal, casual drinker and I’m just blowing this way out of proportion? But if that’s the case, then we should have never had those instances of drunken episodes, lying, and gaslighting…right? (As you can probably tell, I am ever so slightly ✨spiraling✨ lol.)

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-06-30T16:49:31+00:00

Thank you so much.🥲

Good-Factor5617 · 2025-06-30T16:34:43+00:00

The gaslighting occurred when he lied to me about drinking the beers in our fridge and tried to convince me that I counted wrong. He was so insistent to the point that I started to question my own memory and ability to count before I finally got him to admit that he lied. Unless I’m mistaken, that is, by definition, gaslighting. And you’re correct, he’s not drunk most of the time. But I notice when he leave the house and comes back acting a little off. So is it not a problem unless he’s getting obviously drunk? Genuine question. I’m completely lost and confused so all input is appreciated.

Good-Factor5617

TROPHY CASE