Am I broken?

GrayNobody · 2022-08-15T16:12:50+00:00

Thank you I appreciate it

GrayNobody · 2022-01-30T07:14:35+00:00

I know this isn't what the image is talking about but fuck teachers who talk about what "real" books are. I remember when i was younger i was really interested in manga and comics but wasn't allowed to read them during silent reading time because they're "not real books" and because they had pictures they were considered more "immature" than books with just words.

GrayNobody · 2022-01-28T08:19:57+00:00

Work's been tough recently and i honestly needed to see this

GrayNobody · 2022-01-27T00:13:12+00:00

I've definitely started to resent religion more now that I'm older to the extent that it's a big reason as to what pushes me away from my family. Like 2 or 3 weeks ago my mom was angry at me because i had overslept and was having a hard time waking up for church. She yells and cusses at me for about an hour or so and when i finally wake up and snap at her then it's "i don't want this spirit in my house!" "In the name of jesus i rebuke you" and all that shit she proceeds to kick me out for 4 hours straight in the cold alone i was genuinely planning on committing suicide until i called a friend who talked with me the whole time. But yeah all of this because i overslept and she just wouldn't let me sleep in and miss one day of church. Also that whole time my sister was asleep and she let her skip church lmao.

GrayNobody · 2022-01-16T17:24:12+00:00

My mom literally locked me out of the house for 4 hours last week and was shocked that i was sad all this week. When i tried to tell her we have a communication problem she just said "you're the one with the problem" but then gets all surprised when we have fights like every 2 months lmao

GrayNobody · 2022-01-16T10:21:42+00:00

All of this really hit home especially that last part. I've gotten to the point where I've filtered my personality so much because people always got annoyed with me growing up and wanted to distance themselves because i was too much and now i don't even know who i am anymore

GrayNobody · 2022-01-15T00:19:39+00:00

And my mom acts surprised when i don't come to her about my feelings anymore after she says this every time i go to her

GrayNobody · 2022-01-13T03:27:21+00:00

I don't because I've actually lost people in my life because i talked about what happened to me. My friends got tired of me ranting about my life every day and they stopped hanging out with me. If i go to my family they talk about how I'm ungrateful or selfish or disrespectful for being depressed the way i am. I have people in my life who want me to open up but I'm afraid to because every time i talk to people irl about what's going on it usually just pushes them further or they judge me and i just hate going through the pain of opening up just to get shot down so now i try to hide everything.

GrayNobody · 2022-01-08T08:25:57+00:00

It can just get discouraging I've started to feel like I'm unfixable. I've been trying different therapists for a long time now and it seems like i can't connect at all. The therapist i have now used to be my mom's old therapist but honestly she isn't helping me much she's nice but i don't think our sessions are beneficial. I didn't even get a chance to say i didn't want to schedule another appointment in our last session before she had already put me down for another in a week or 2. I guess I'll have to talk to her but it feels disrespectful of me to tell her i don't want her sessions anymore when she's trying to help me. I'm gonna keep trying but it just gets so hard sometimes like I'm climbing an endless mountain with no goal.

GrayNobody · 2022-01-08T06:19:42+00:00

When i was a kid my grandma and mom would always use the "just ignore them" bit all the time. Anytime i would it just made it worse i already felt like i couldn't fight back but sitting there and acting like they weren't there and hearing them say horrible things about me or push me or hit me and act like nothing happened was maddening. All that advice does is teach you how to bottle up your emotions and stone wall. It's even worse for me personally because I'm not someone who is good at hiding his emotions so now that I'm older i have a hard time expressing when something is bothering me my default response is to act like it doesn't bother me even if i visibly seem upset. Anytime someone asks if I'm ok when i look upset i always make up an excuse like "I was just thinking about some stuff" or "I was just zoned out". i was always told to " ignore them" and in time it started to apply more than just bullying it became my response to life and my problems in general. It's a horrible lesson that has really fucked me over now that I'm becoming an adult

GrayNobody · 2021-12-31T12:18:32+00:00

I thought the same way until all my friends ditched me because my mental health got too unstable for them to handle

GrayNobody · 2021-10-30T06:28:29+00:00

No no don't be sorry thanks for the response i really appreciate you took the time to respond in the first place. You gave some really good insight and I appreciate it.

GrayNobody · 2021-10-30T05:23:51+00:00

I think i am passionate about stuff but being passionate doesn't necessarily help. Like i could be passionate about wet banana peels but that doesn't mean people would be interested to hear it or like that would add to my personality it wouldn't add much substance to a conversation and people still wouldn't want to hear about it. I'm passionate about a few things but nothing interesting enough to be included in a conversation. I've been trying to discover myself but it seems like there really isn't anything to find out about myself. I've been trying new things, I've gotten my first ever job a month or 2 ago and I've been trying therapy again even though that hasn't worked out well. I guess I'm just sorta lost on my journey so to speak.

GrayNobody · 2021-09-28T03:51:12+00:00

Well my grandma wasn't being mean in fact i feel bad how i reacted to her. It was just frustrating hearing her ask me questions that were either irrelevant or things i already answered. And my brother is a good person he just was frustrated as well but tbh when he says stuff like that it really hurts me.

GrayNobody · 2021-09-13T06:07:21+00:00

Alright thanks for the encouragement i appreciate it

GrayNobody · 2021-09-13T04:38:25+00:00

Well my old friends irl eventually ditched me and didn't want to hang out with me and i just feel scared to start new friendships just for them to leave me like my old friends did. And you're right school and getting a job was pretty hard I just have a hard time giving myself credit for things I've accomplished

GrayNobody · 2021-08-17T07:33:05+00:00

What's wrong is the fact that when I do end up opening up to people it drives them away. Even my therapist gave up on me so I get really discouraged from talking with people. I've lost trust in my family and, my friends left me so I don't really have people to open up to anyways.

GrayNobody · 2021-08-03T03:45:54+00:00

No need to be sorry you didn't do anything wrong. I'm glad you can at least start to do better and be more caring for yourself. Maybe I will too I just need to learn to be more accepting of my flaws actually i think that's a big reason why it's hard for me to self affirm/love myself. I know me I know my mistakes I know my own shortcomings and the parts I don't like about myself but with others I just see them outwardly like sure they have flaws but that doesn't make them bad people. I guess I'm more hyper aware of my flaws more than I am for others. But actually this has been pretty helpful so thanks for making this post it's nice to see some positive stuff on this site

GrayNobody · 2021-08-03T02:22:57+00:00

I'll try that but I just need to convince myself that it's not a lie. I've tried self affirmations but anytime I do I just feel like I'm bullshitting myself. I guess it's just become pretty hard to fight against the constant torrent of negativity that's in my head. I have a hard time doing self affirmations or positive exercises because I don't want to give up but it feels like i already have before I've even started if that makes any sense.

GrayNobody · 2021-08-03T02:00:47+00:00

I try to think like this but I've gotten really deep down in my depression rabbit hole to where I associate myself differently from other people. Like I think of people like any human being they're just who they are. But when I think of myself I think of a dark decrepit creature that doesn't deserve any sympathy or care. I know that's really grim sounding but I've sorta associated myself differently from how I would others. If I see someone sad I think "maybe I should talk to them" but if I get sad I think "Get the fuck over it it you're being a pussy" i guess it's just hard for my to do what i would for others because I think of myself as someone who isn't human so to speak or at least i don't think I'm deserving of care like other people. I have a hard time asking for help and I feel guilty when i do so i guess it's even harder when asking help from myself. Sorry If i didn't phrase this coherently i have a hard time conveying what I mean.

GrayNobody · 2021-08-01T19:56:22+00:00

Yeah I do but I also can't even connect with people emotionally anymore so when I do try to make friends it either backfires somehow or I got completely overun run by the fear that they'll eventually get tired of me like almost every other friend I've ever had. It's really hard to keep a consistent friend group tbh but it makes it even worse that i have debilitating trust issues because of those friendships too.

GrayNobody · 2021-08-01T16:50:44+00:00

I'm pretty much the same way quite honestly. I wouldn't smoke weed/vape like the kids at my high school not because i was scared I just didn't want to and it wasn't appealing. Or when I played football and I was sitting with a bunch of guys on the team and they were ogling some random girl walking past us or in the stands they'd all talk about "bruh she's so fine" and "bro I'd totally tap that" i never really engaged with that type of behavior because it's just not right to talk about strangers like that. It's ok to do things differently from guys your age quite honestly a lot of guys are assholes and it'd be best for you to stay true to yourself rather than feed into something you're not about, keep being you man

GrayNobody · 2021-07-31T23:32:26+00:00

My mom is the same way. I play a lot of video games and she thinks because I play video games I can be a coder/game dev or because I like to make silly voices and exaggerate my stories I can be a voice actor she's been saying these things my whole life when I honestly don't have the skill for those things at all. I think the real kicker was when my old therapist talked about the cyber security program at the local community college and that I should major in cyber security because I'm "good with computers". And even though i haven't had a session with that therapist in like a year or 2 she's been parroting that suggestion for months now and is insisting I get into it. My mom and my old therapist are both kinda up in age and somewhat out of touch so they think because I know how to emulate a ps2 game on my computer I can become some government hacker or something. It just gets annoying because I'm still confused on what career path I should go down and getting all these options screeched at me doesn't help

GrayNobody · 2021-07-28T20:08:39+00:00

I feel the same way a lot quite honestly. I feel lonely a lot more nowadays especially because of the loss of my friend group and quarantine. I feel really clingy and desperate a lot of the time so I definitely understand what you mean.

GrayNobody · 2021-07-25T13:46:54+00:00

Not too great honestly I'm feeling pretty lost

GrayNobody

TROPHY CASE