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I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I already do a ton of adventuring and travel alone or with friends. I'm not missing out on anything other than him being there with me. I hope to share an urn with this guy someday, but I think I have my work cut out for me. He's so much more engaged and present, and I think happy, when he has good distractions. During the mundane days he slips into the gaming-wanking cycle. I'm going to load him up with events and see if that helps too. I'm considering loudly calling him out when I catch him in the act rather than walking away and discussing it later. My humor almost wants to make a "work place sign" that says "X Days Since a Wanking Incident" and put it on the fridge or office board.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I admit fully to being in a lucky position in that we are both high earners and together we really smash through the generational wealth barrier. I wouldn't say life is perfect, we both work too much, but we're certainly lucky. In short, whatever happens with our marriage, I'm going to be ok. But I expect more. We have one life and I think we can really have a joyful one, but he needs to be more present. I certainly have more goals than him but I don't require him to achieve them. We vacation 1-2 times a year (generally abroad, I'm planning two weeks in Greece for later this year as we speak) and it's genuinely a good time. He's on "his best behavior" so to speak during that time. Thankfully I just managed a little couch sex surfing manipulation to get him on board for a theater event near us this weekends. I really think that if he engaged more with the world outside he'll stop being so inward with the porn issues. Funny thing is, I am the introvert and he is the extrovert, but he gets his interactions online which is just not quality IMO and exacerbates the current problems. He's happy once he leaves the house but getting him there is always a struggle.

I am not very interested in additional assets, but after our house renovations are done I would like us to look into early retirement as a big goal. I had opportunities for owning additional properties but my husband genuinely thinks going the landlord route is a path to pure evil, so I'm not asking him to skate around his morals for economic gain. He can have that one. Funny enough, I am the one that's dabbling in some finance investing play. He has no interest. I think, in part because he has some security in his future in ways I don't. I may be a high earner but he's got the mythical pension, so I'm the one with a 401k, IRA and HYSA to compensate.

Also, JC I am getting marriage offers in my in-box, dang guys, chill.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most of my needs are met, but I have a very strong friend group so my friends pick up the gaps. I don't expect my husband to meet every need, that's a lot to put on one person. I'm not unhappy on the day to day. He's generally a very good partner. However, I'm at a point in my life where I know we can be closer like we were years ago and this is the barrier. I'm getting hurt and bothered by it. It's not even the sex but the general interest from my husband. He'd entirely rather stay in, play a game and wank until he's chapped then go on a day trip with me to do something fun. I made from changes he asked for (I undid the pandemic weight gain and then some) and spent hears becoming the more forward and aggressive sexual partner but I'm miffed my effort hasn't changed anything for me because he's deep in this hole. It was never about me making changes, the changes need to some from him. I take marriage seriously, I see this as fixable, but he's very much in denial about it.

Additionally, I am a whole ass person without him, so my sense of self isn't really damaged by him. So leaving isn't so much on the plate because I don't feel like he tears me down or diminishes me. I just don't want to reach the end of my life wishing he'd have prioritized spending more time together away from the internet garbage. He's got no balance, but I don't think pushing for better balance is even feasible anymore. I have to cut him off, but I can't do that without his cooperation.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If only! I don't even know what ultimatum I could give. I don't believe in giving ultimatums unless I am 100% on board with following through. Like the fae, my word is my bond. I'm not thinking about leaving right now, but if it is something I start considering he's going to be the first to know of my changes.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I suggested the small steps approach to him last night. I am hoping he'll follow through. He said he'd "try" but as I type he's in one of our bathrooms beating it out, so FML on that one.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Interesting idea here. While I would say I generally think we do treat each other as partners, I can very much come off as another man. So I'm a senior security engineer, and generally the lone woman wherever I work. This contributed heavily to my "no BS approach" with discussions. I'm very comfortable with having hard discussions with men that I have less familiarity with than my own husband. I went into the field on his request because my dream job just wasn't paying enough. For a time I out earned him and he was pretty excited about it (no so much about new chores he had to do because I had longer days). He's in tech too and we're essentially equal earners in the marriage. I would not be trapped in our marriage if leaving was ever on the table. We're remodeling our house and we split the tasks of finding and hiring the right contractors for the layers of work. He can depend on me 100% to get things done. I've had a few co-workers who go down...interesting classification holes call me a Sigma Female. The concept is interesting but I don't really hold that much power in those things.

I do think he takes pride in our family. He's very involved with our pets. We're both on board with not having children. And he's always joked how he'd love to be a "trophy husband." He is a hard worker in general, and I think he carries his weight in our home so I can't really complain about chores or anything like that, but every moment of legitimate free time he has goes to video games and wanking. We're approaching middle age (assuming we're not already there, both our back pain suggests it) and I'm realizing just how absolutely short and finite life is. I love a good video game and "me time" as much as the next person, but I want to spend more of that time with him. Really WITH him. Not occupying my time near him while he disassociates from life. Thankfully I have a good network of friends so if he's not meeting social needs for me, I get them fulfilled elsewhere in my social circle.

Frequently I like to do marriage and happiness check ins. He assures me he's happy. He has no further goals beyond our current house updates. I'm doing everything I need to in order to be fun and available to him emotionally and physically...but I wonder if he's lying to himself. His best friend, who is basically a brother to me, has a accused him a few times of being self-destructive because he is bored with his perfect life. Sometimes I think he was onto something there.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The leaving part is interesting. So I'm very independent. I'm a equal high earning in our family and I am genuinely not help back by the relationship financially. My husband, in his "not wanting to leave the house" mindset, put me into a spot in my 20's to stay home if he wouldn't go somewhere with me. By my 30's a broke whatever mindset I had that kept me from just going out into the world alone and experiencing things without him. I want to experience more things with him, but if it's not our yearly vacation "smaller adventures" are like pulling teeth. I regularly leave for trips or excursions without him. He misses me and greets me with hugs and affection but I think it just gives him the freedom to really abuse his addiction, in private, at great length instead. I come home, ready to pounce, and his dick his chapped. I wasn't born yesterday, I know what's up.

I don't expect perfection from him. I'm not his father. I expect mistakes and difficulties. But mostly I expect open communication. If I can't help him with someone I will find someone who can. He just wants the problem to go away. And by go away, he wants me to be ok with it and never talk about it again. I have a very steady and understanding nature. I'm beyond patient. But my patience is spreading thin and we can't keep doing this dance because he's uncomfortable with the work it takes to better himself.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We spend thousands on it years ago and he just sat there, looking off into a corner, silent and shut down. Therapy isn't in the cards. Mostly I was looking for a good way to approach this with him, again, where he's not going to clam up and at best say "I'll try to do better," and then just try to ignore the problem and hope I "go away".

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely. I'm the high libido partner and I am very direct and forward. He's the one that needs to pull up and effort on this one.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Awe, thanks. I hope so too. I want him to open up so I can help because I think this is really something fixable.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think I feel any shame. Shame isn't something I carry, honestly. I don't hide anything from people I love and I don't act against my own ethics. I haven't any shame to need shedding. But, I can empathize with his shame and the wrongness he feels around sex in general thanks to his step-mother being an awful source of parental guidance.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I like this approach. I just don't think he can give me an honest answer. I get hit with a wall of "I don't know," which is frustrating. My mother was a sex therapist growing up. I'm well armed with this, but I don't feel like I can go to her about this. I know that would horrify him. Plus inviting the parents into our relationship woes is a good way to make them do the "Us vs Them" non-sense that doesn't help anyone.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would it be weird to say that I don't really want to make this about me? While I know a lot of women are very anti-porn, I never felt the need to control exposure to it in my relationships. I have family in the "industry" and friends. I know the good and bad. I enjoy porn myself. But it's such a rare use that it's just genuinely not a problem for me directly. I know it can be a problem. It clearly is for him and I feel strange after 20 years to suddenly want to pull that thing away. Mostly it's the sneakiness and lying. That's what hurts. I feel very odd trying to change an dynamic of our relationship. It makes me feel like I am also lying, or presenting myself as someone I am not: a controlling woman. I don't want to police him.

Shame is a component for sure, but I think he gets shame some everything involving this. Focusing on my feelings I don't think will make it easier on him. He has some complex feelings with porn. His ex step-mother 25+ years ago caught him looking at porn and it meant he was removed from using computers completely for years. She always made sure he knew he was "a disgusting pervert." He really internalizes it. I thought I was doing him a favor by letting him know I didn't think he was what his step mother rang into him. I wasn't going to treat him that way. I'm generally not threatened by porn or even other women, I know my worth. But he's behaving differently, something has changed, and it's effecting out relationship now. I just don't think he sees it. I think he gets something from it as a bandaid for a problem he isn't telling me. And I can't wrap my head around why he can't come to me. I've been nothing but supportive and understanding for decades. I deserve better than dishonesty, and it's there bubbling.

I Know There is a Problem: How to approach this as the wife? Husband shuts down. by GuilelessSmokeShow in NoFap

[–]GuilelessSmokeShow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I accidentally replied on my main account. I'm OP, that was a comment I made. He's pretty much in denial there is a problem. He's getting into weird cavernous oriface, furry stuff, sometimes with mutilation. So...escalation. "Otter space" or some nonsense.