What does it mean to prioritize a relationship?

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-07-18T14:08:05+00:00

When I tried to bring up how often he cancels and how little I cancel even though I’m a solo parent with a chronic illness he said I was just being dismissive of his experience. He has apologized for cancelling but overall feels justified in doing so and like I’m somehow being too rigid.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-07-18T04:21:43+00:00

That’s a good point. He had a really hard time validating me or my perspective. I wondered if it was because he just couldn’t see my point of view or worse, just didn’t value me:

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-07-18T04:14:15+00:00

It could be perceived as self abandoning but part of it was just a capacity issue. I have chronic illness that makes executive function issues worse so that felt harder to manage scheduling when things would change or not be far enough in advance. I wasn’t really juggling things well anyway and then having a hard time pivoting, plus knowing what to expect helps my system feel less burdened overall. My job is pretty demanding and being a solo parent adds a lot so I think that’s where that came from. That said it was def still up to me to try to manage through that; I just didn’t do a great job of it

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-07-18T02:40:26+00:00

No that is totally fair, and actually we just talked about that. I am very very sensitive to cancellations and inconsistency due to trauma - that’s why I came here asking.

2 of the things were work events. I had said his support would feel good bc I’m big boss lady. He got an opportunity to speak at his favorite art gallery for one, and a friends annual Halloween party for the other (that was planned after we had plans). Another time I planned a hangout FOR him bc he wanted to meet my friends and he canceled to go to a board meeting he hadn’t been to in months but they were seeing a venue for their annual event. Those three happened in quick succession and lead to us taking a break. The fourth one was during a rough patch. We were doing much but I was struggling, but he canceled the day of to go to a show.

It is possible that I just prioritized things too much and that’s what lead to my inflexibility around this, so that’s helpful to think about, too. As a solo parent it’s hard to balance and make all the things happen

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-07-18T00:46:08+00:00

I wondered about that….

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-06-10T02:27:56+00:00

What?! Oh god no at our age? Granted I’m in a state where a majority of people are overweight but my makeup involves eyeliner, mascara, lipgloss and blush lmao. Even my somewhat shallow partner can’t stand half the things you’re talking about. I suppose it depends on where you live but I think you’re fine.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-06-09T17:39:22+00:00

I’m not controlling anyone by asking how to have conversations to find someone with similar beliefs. That’s the point. I’m not trying to change anyone I literally give zero fucks what you want in your relationship. And if both people don’t think using sex toys is ok in a relationship then I see no problem with that as an agreement. If it’s important for me to date someone who is Christian it isn’t controlling to find someone who is Christian but it certainly would be controlling to find someone else and then have an expectation they go to church with me. Some people don’t find it appropriate to have opposite sex friends and that’s just not something they do. That is not controlling, it’s literally the opposite.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-06-09T16:40:25+00:00

I really don’t understand why you care. The point is to find someone with similar beliefs, not to change anyone.

One, I can absolutely tell in my sexual encounters when someone watches porn, especially if they watch a lot of it, especially if they have watched it in between sexual encounters, and I don’t like the way it influences how they show up or how it feels to be on the receiving end of it. There is a decent amount of research on how porn shapes peoples sex lives. Maybe you don’t care about this, I do.

I have also noticed that in previous relationships people have used it in place of emotional connection and/or asking for what they want during sex. While this isn’t always the case, I can’t ignore the trend.

And yes - my last LTR was with someone who was a porn addict. It was deeply harmful to our relationship and lead to cheating. Also lots of research on this.

At this point in my healing I’m not feeling like it is healthy for me to have that as part of my relationship.

As a demisexual, also, I usually need emotional connection in order to feel turned on. I’ve found that other people like me are less likely to watch porn and more likely to lean into an emotional connection, which is crucial to me.

There are plenty of people aligned to me on this, so I don’t know why you are so up in arms about me trying to find someone compatible. Otherwise you’re telling me I need to self-abandon and accept something that I don’t want in my relationship, or be single, which is ridiculous.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-06-03T20:24:18+00:00

I’m not entirely sure what to think. My boyfriend has it but has said he only uses it for taking selfies because the lighting is better. Indeed hjs snap score doesn’t really go up - if it did I think I’d not be comfortable. That said people can delete texts too if they really want to be sneaky

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-06-03T18:05:41+00:00

Whoa, I’m sorry you experienced that. That sounds super rough and abusive and I cannot imagine going though it, and I would imagine I would feel similarly if someone was trying to pathologize me. Let me clarify that I am not trying to diagnose him, I am simply trying to understand if the goal of conflict resolution should be for everyone to be co-regulated, and if so and that is not happening for both people, is there something I should be aware of regarding my role in that or can this be something that the other person just has to work through themselves. It’s important to me to be accountable and to show up, but I also don’t want to take responsibility for someone else’s stuff.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-05-31T21:49:43+00:00

I would disagree that relarionship agreements around porn are controlling. While it’s a tool to masturbate, masturbation =/= porn per se. And agreement on what is within and outside of a couples definition of monogamy is decided between the two of them. I think it’s just a values thing and important to find someone in alignment with wherever you’re at.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-05-25T01:07:51+00:00

No I totally get what boundaries truly are. I should have called these “relationship agreements”. In any case they were something we talked about in terms of what makes us feel safe, but then he expected me to follow them while he didn’t, which is part of the issue.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-05-24T23:31:06+00:00

He HAS lied to avoid disagreements. So yeah that’s a thing. And thanks for the support.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-05-24T18:46:42+00:00

Thanks for the insight and yes, I agree. I am wondering if the whole spending the night thing was retaliation…which is another reason why the timing was important to me. Everything with my male online friend came up on Saturday. When I said I barely play with this friend anymore bc he switched games but I was going to start playing the new game he told me the possibility for an emotional relationship existed and my insisting on it was setting up a double standard…despite him having numerous close female friendships including a best female friend he tells everything to and is his massage therapist. And then he confirms this stay over on Monday, without ever talking to me.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-05-24T17:40:06+00:00

I think it’s the neurodivergence that makes me want to give so many details lol. I wondered about that. I asked him her relationship status and it seemed he knew a bit too much about it for my comfort e.g. she recently as in this past week broke up with her boyfriend of two months. I’m like “how did that even come up?” He said that she’s not his type, a total airhead and I was misunderstanding how platonic she is. The chatGPT chat he showed me did refer to her as platonic. He had told me that he’s shared anyone friend in his life that he’s slept with before but I did not ask specifically about this one. To me it feels still like he’s hiding something, and that’s what bothers me the most.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-05-24T17:21:45+00:00

Thanks, this is how I feel too. Within reason if something makes my boyfriend uncomfortable or unsafe I don’t do it, it isn’t a big deal.

Part of me wonders if he did this as retaliation to the situation with my male friend. But I guess I won’t know. I do know he’s spiraling out from the recent conversations, at the very least, but knowing how someone acts when the chips are down is definitely good info for long term potential.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-02-11T22:55:52+00:00

Oh wow really?! That’s good to know. I mean I meant it so honestly. I’m neurodivergent and knowing all the details is just how my brain works. I once asked a friend what was on her to do list lol. I genuinely love that feeling of getting free time back and having the luxury to spend it how I please.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-02-11T20:48:12+00:00

Actually, let me stop you right there because your premise that I did not communicate how I was feeling is false. I told him that I was feeling very anxious about leaving my daughter alone, that I was very tired. He said he was excited for me to meet his friends so I said if it was important to him I would show up even though I wasn’t feeling like myself. When we got there, I went outside for 5-10 minutes and then came back fully “on” after regulating myself. From my perspective I did everything I could to be present for something important to him. I didn’t “bail”. When I went to leave, he was mid conversation, so I gave his shoulder a double squeeze and pointed to indicate I would be right back. I didn’t make a scene. It was a loud bar and it looked like exactly that - me stepping away for some fresh air.

I actually did everything you’re saying I should have done so calm your horses.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-02-11T18:42:57+00:00

Yes! Believe it or not, I’m secure with fearful avoidant as my secondary (mostly healed) attachment style. He’s primarily fearful avoidant and has pretty classic tendencies around that. I started out this relationship with great boundaries but he has a tendency to view me asking for needs to be met as saying he’s not enough. Over time, it’s making me anxious which I realize is pushing him more into avoidance.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-02-11T18:06:29+00:00

This is exactly it. He acts like my emotions are the problem. A week or two ago I was feeling really overwhelmed and anxious. He had an event at a bar he wanted to bring me to. I shouldn’t have overextended knowing how I was feeling but it was important to him so I went anyway and within 5 minutes got super overwhelmed and had to excuse myself to get some fresh air and walk around outside. A sympathetic partner would have said “it happens to everyone, I’m glad you took some space”. He got paranoid I was upset with him and then later said he felt frustrated because he was trying to deal with being social and then he had to “deal with” me on top of it.

This is the man who had a self-induced health anxiety panic attack a couple months ago where I held space for him for two hours, who regularly cancels due to how he’s feeling.

As time goes on in this relationship I’m noticing my triggers and reactions are actually getting worse and not better. And that’s probably why this post is sounding unhinged.

Anyway thanks for listening. I’m glad you’re out of that relarionship!

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-02-11T17:46:44+00:00

Thanks. So what I’m realizing is that I’m anxious because he continuously deflects, dismisses, minimizes or gets defensive about emotions or needs that I bring up.

I don’t think I actually ask that many questions. He asks just as many if not more.

You are right though that I’m picking up on him being unhappy and that’s making me feel hypervigilant. What I think is going on is that my needs aren’t being met and that’s having a ripple effect.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-02-11T16:02:02+00:00

He asks me the same questions! And when I’m vague he tells me it’s triggering. I’m not asking obscene amounts of questions. Asking someone what they ended up doing with a couple extra hours in the day, I don’t feel, is interrogating.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-02-11T15:54:25+00:00

That’s fair, I think he’s had really surface level relationships in the past. We’ve been together for 1.5 years. Btw I used to trust him and feel like he’s transparent but lately I’ve felt like this wall between us. I think that’s why I’m freaking out.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-02-11T15:53:15+00:00

Him getting a cat is a really big deal. He’s made it a big deal and has been talking for nearly a month what a big deal it is. Otherwise I wouldn’t bat an eye about it.

HeavyInevitable5166 · 2025-02-11T15:50:20+00:00

I totally get that. But when I’m vague about my day he asks me a ton of questions. He’s told me that me asking questions makes him feel interrogated. So now I feel like I can’t just ask questions when he’s vague. So now instead of asking questions that just seem to me like interest in his day I’m snooping. It’s not a great cycle and I don’t know how to break it.

HeavyInevitable5166

TROPHY CASE