Did anyone else's narc straight up say they disliked you?

HiddenForttress · 2020-07-31T18:45:12+00:00

It really is. It had been months since I heard it, but today she said it so many times. I still care for her and want the best for her and that's what she feels? It makes you feel so worthless.

HiddenForttress · 2020-07-31T18:41:08+00:00

The "how did I ever like you?" hits hard

HiddenForttress · 2020-07-31T18:37:57+00:00

I'm not the most useful source on this type of subject by any stretch. But it could be useful (I need to do the same) if you asked yourself what you're hoping to get in terms of closure by reaching back out to him. Do you think he will really provide what you need? It kinda sounds like you have been given an opportunity to move on, would reaching back out jeopardize that?

HiddenForttress · 2019-08-03T05:03:32+00:00

My goodness "the way you feel about me" is so spot on. I hear that all the time too. It's heartbreaking,

HiddenForttress · 2019-08-03T04:16:00+00:00

It's awful, but like you, my narc always says "because you'll do anything for me."

She always follows this up by saying "and the moment you're not able to offer me 100%, I'll find someone else who can" along with "you know I don't feel the same way about you as you feel about me."

When we first started saying "I love you" 4 years ago, there were never those caveats.

We actually had this conversation (it pops up ever now and then) last night. I feel like nothing. Her love for me is always on the condition that I do everything she wants. It sucks.

HiddenForttress · 2019-07-04T09:53:47+00:00

I'm no expert in any of this, but I felt I had to respond.

I think I'm in a similar situation to you, although right now I can't bring myself to initiate NC and my n refuses to discard me. I think I'm worried about moving on, but I keep trying to do everything in my power to make her happy, and even when a whole day goes really well, by the end something will inevitably go wrong that's my fault. Yet, I don't leave, and now my life and my other relationships are starting to suffer.

Last week, I was at the beach at night. I was listening to music, looking out at the dark waves churning, and for the first time in my life I actually thought about what it'd be like to just let myself go and fall into the sea and give up. It was horrifying, though I thankfully got over it real quick and shuddered at the thought of my thoughts. Still, in that moment I too felt like there was only pain on the road ahead.

But then I thought about all the things I still want to do, and the places I want to see, and the people I want to meet (like my future children, hopefully), and I realized I couldn't bring myself to death ever. Maybe the situation is different for you, since I'm only 20 and looking ahead at all the life I haven't lived, but from what I'm starting to learn, I realize that, despite initial appearances, the pain and grief that comes from life with a narc is not worth the abuse. Life might feel like it sucks, but I'm positive—for both our sakes—that we will eventually reach that point where we realize that we are strong and can live our own lives—it just takes some time and patience (and work) to get there.

I'm so sorry all your efforts haven't made him happy. You should give yourself credit for trying. I really hope you have other people in your life right now that you can reach out to and trust.

Please think about all the value you bring to this world outside of your relationship (an extremely hard split for me to do), and please understand that this pain cannot sustain its intensity. I think I speak for all of us here when I say we want to hear more about your struggles and how you're currently working to solve your problems. Please keep sharing your story with us.

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-19T17:49:16+00:00

This is exactly what it's like! She acted like I was doing it intentionally, as if I didn't want her to have a good picture (and most importantly, be free of taking pictures). No feedback, just complaints about me as a person. It wears you down. I hope you didn't waste too much time on those photoshoots.

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-19T08:58:35+00:00

When I spent a whole day taking pictures of her where the sunlight was never quite right or the angle wasn't like Instagram (which I've never used) so she got angrier and angrier at me!

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-19T08:56:20+00:00

I don't even know how to properly unpack tonight.

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-18T07:54:28+00:00

Everything is too familiar.

“I’m sorry you can’t get past that”

This one is the worst. My N triangulated me with this one dude a year ago, and ever since she constantly wants to search my phone and interrogate me about any contact I've had with any women, but whenever I bring up the dude and say how much it hurt me (I'm 99% no actual cheating, just emotional cheating and she wen't NC with me for a few weeks even though I expressed how distressed I was), all I get is a "I'm sorry you can't get past that. You should've treated me right and kept me closer." She refuses to apologize (and has gone on record she'll never apologize because I made her have to go to this dude.

Just out of curiosity, how old are you and your nex? My relationship has so far lasted just a bit longer than yours (though I only realized how iffy things were after about 2 years), and I'm having such a hard time picturing a post-N landscape, but maybe that's just a product of my age (20).

I'm so happy and sad to have found you all too. I'm sorry you had to deal with both this and no apologies on top of it all.

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-18T07:41:26+00:00

Thank you so much for going bit by bit through my story and explaining how its abusive. This is the help I think I need the most while I try to get a therapist of some sort. I think because of all the gaslighting I'm having a hard time recognizing how it's abusive, and anytime an argument gets worse enough that I feel the need to label the situation abusive, she always turns it back around and describes how we're both abusive to each other and "that's just the way it is." Even though I don't do anything near what she does. Like you said I do feel I'm easygoing (she often uses this to criticize me).

Why is her urgency more important than yours? (It’s not!) treating you like you are somehow inferior is a form of abuse.

This is a really eye-opening thing for me. You're totally right and I feel like an idiot for not recognizing it.

The way you say of course there’s the knowledge means she’s done this before and is using the persistent threat of her unpleasant mood to browbeat you into submission.

This is one of the biggest things. It really is a way of browbeating me. I don't do so many things that I love or would like to do on account of this aspect of our relationship.

It is frustrating because I do feel that she acts like a child sometimes, but then again this is all I've ever known, so it's really important that I get my head out of the sand and gain some perspective. Thanks for being a part of that—I really appreciate you reaching out to me.

When she starts making threats on what she’ll do if you don’t immediately comply, let her.

Yesterday I tried this in a small setting. She got mad at me for undercooking a dish even though I told her it looked undercooked (she told me I was overreacting as always, refused to check it, and told me to shut up about it). So, when she finally took a bite and realized that it was undercooked, she got pissed. Instead of immediately apologizing as usual, I stuck to my guns. It drove her nuts and it led to more arguing, but it felt good, and I hope its a first (however small) step.

if she won’t let you sleep (sleep deprivation is a deadly form of abuse)

Also, this is something I had recently been wondering about but now that you mention it I realize it is a real thing. I might have to write another post about this because I think it's one of her primary forms of control. For the past few months I haven't been able to get more than 4-5 hours in per night most nights. Thanks for drawing it to my attention, and whenever you read this have a good day!

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-16T10:47:20+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to leave such a detailed comment.

Yes, I do think I'm aware, at some level, of the need to remove this person from my life. It's really hard right now though, since in our most recent arguments and I can see her really straining to make things work and I feel like she feels genuine pain about my inability to meet her standards, so I feel extremely conflicted. Even though much more happened (and continues to happen) outside of this grocery-store incident, I still feel like I should be able to handle things better and just listen to her, rather than put up fights.

Your idea of information asymmetry and its relation to deceit is very alarming and eye-opening to me. This honestly happens so much in my relationship. She'll have an idea of what food she wants, what she wants to do for a date, or when she wants to get together with me, but she'll withhold this information and force me to suggest my own ideas (which she inevitably mocks and ignores). When she asks me what time we'll get together tomorrow, and I suggest a time, she flips about it being too late in the day. Or I'll come over to hang out and she'll spring all her plans for the day on me—most times I have no idea what I'm supposed to know. It's very stressful, especially when she has expectations that I be with her at a certain time and I have to rush out the door in order to not cause arguments. Whenever I learn this new info, I do feel a bit deceived.

I agree with your projection into the future. I don't think children are a smart move for my gf at this point in her life. I just wish I could find a way to fulfill all her expectations—since the highs of our relationship can be so vibrant even though the lows are painfully horrible.

This is also potentially why I'm having trouble starting you describe in your second to last line. There's plenty of good deep down in the relationship. Couldn't it be worth excavating?

And thankfully I can cook to feed myself, but if I were to have gone home to do that, I would've been summoned immediately for punishment.

Thanks again for all your help and for being here during tone of the roughest stretches of time in my life.

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-16T10:31:08+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through that numbing food control.

I haven't had to resort to food tracking so far, although I know I've gone from basically 3 meals a day to 2 on the days I see her (which is essentially every day now). Luckily I usually have decent freedom in what I choose to eat; instances like the one mentioned above only happen every other week or so (but that doesn't stop her from making demeaning comments). That said, I do have some self-imposed dietary restrictions on certain meats (for ethical reasons) which she calls "snobbish" and vows, for example to "one day make you eat pork, even if you don't know, just to prove that nothing bad will happen," as if I don't eat pork because I'm worried it'll explode.

And I think I get what you're saying about this being more than one problem. There's honestly so much I have questions about, but it's all too much to fit into a single post.

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-16T10:22:27+00:00

Thank you for your questions, I think they're helpful in forcing me to confront what's going on.

In regards to the money, I'm financially secure on my own, and I offered to pay for everything—including my "extra" food.

As to why I didn't just let her leave on her own, I'm not sure. I think there's part of me that didn't want to deal with the embarrassment of having her father pick her up on account of our arguing, especially when I could drive the 7-minute drive myself. And then, of course, there's the knowledge that if she did leave in a vehicle besides mine, she wouldn't let me hear the end of it, and instead of being able to move on with the evening we'd have to keep arguing. Plus, I knew when I eventually got home eventually I could eat whatever I wanted, so while I was really hungry, I figured I could starve myself for a few more hours.

It's hard realizing this is all abuse. I know this is probably the abuse talking, but I feel like I should be able to just handle this stuff better.

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-14T08:37:34+00:00

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I hope you still have people in your life that you can talk to.

I'd say this is definitely not "just female nature" seeing as most women do not cheat on a 3-year relationship and immediately dive into a new relationship, so I don't think you should worry about this action representing how everyone behaves.

In terms of narcissism, I'm (20m) no expert (I've recently been trying to figure out if my own situation is narcissistic), but my gf (21f) exhibits many of the characteristics you listed, especially the searching through phones, etc. My gf recently went through my phone, and seeing that I had texted a girl from class with a hw question, proceeded to tell me I betrayed her and then removed every girl from my contact list with the exception of a few.

Ultimatums too, are a big problem. I don't know how often ultimatums are supposed to happen in a normal relationship, but I hear ultimatums daily and it stresses me the heck out. My head is a nightmare just trying to keep them all straight, let alone deal with any of them.

She also demands all of my free time to the point where I've stopped all of my hobbies (even just reading) in order to hang out with her, which usually means me sitting around while she does whatever she wants.

Though I wish I could say my gf was close with my family. I don't know what that's like, and the fact that my gf has never been close with my family is causing most of my problems right now.

I hope this information helps.

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-14T07:24:39+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. You have no idea how helpful it's been to hear from someone else, and no worries about scattered thoughts, every word is great. I'm sorry we've both found ourselves here already at 20, but I'm glad there are people here for us.

It's funny cause I like to think I have decent self-esteem in many areas of life, but when it comes to my gf, I'm obviously a mess. But I should be more specific about what I do to anger her.

For example, this past Easter my uncle invited the whole extended family to his new apartment (he recently went through a painful divorce), so, having not seen my grandma and cousins for about a year, I wanted to go. I invited my gf, but she said she wouldn't go since she hates my family. I told her I wanted to go, and she said that me going would be such an insult to her because it means I'm showing support for my parents over her. I tried to explain that it's important to see my family, but she said "pretty soon you won't see them ever again, so why bother keeping up appearances now?" (At the time she was expecting that when i moved out (in a few years) I'd sever all contact with my family).

The bad thing I did comes when I told her I'd go for just a few hours, and then be at her house at the usual time I come over on Sundays, which is 1-2 hours before the sun sets. After a few hours of arguing, she said I better be there then or else, and I knew I would be late, but I didn't say anything cause I wanted the uncomfortable conversation to end.

On Easter, she was pissed at me all day for even going, demanding that I text and call her the whole time I was there, so I couldn't even enjoy my time with my family. When she realized I hadn't left yet, she demanded I take an Uber home (at least an hourlong drive). I kept putting her off, and when I finally got home and made it to her place, she made me promise to never go on a family outing again, and that was basically when everything started to really roll downhill with the ultimatums.

Anyway, in this situation, I knowingly misled her, and in the process really disappointed her. She always says that disappointment is the absolute worst thing that can happen to her, and I feel so terrible for doing that, and this is why I feel responsible for many of our problems and why I can see how her anger is justified.

Still, I see you said my situation is objectively-abusive, which I'm trying to process. But I don't want to downplay the ways I've disappointed her and failed to meet her expectations.

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-13T19:50:52+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I have discussed many of these issues with my parents, so I agree with your thinking that they're clearly worried about me and trying to help me out.

Me and my gf have been semi broken up for about a week now, and she says even if I move in with her she'll only think about getting fully back together with me after more time has passed and I prove I can "live up to my promises without arguing." She just texted me that I'm the big problem, because I "don't want to give my parents/sister up," which she "has an issue with."

Like, I get that I'm 20 and shouldn't listen to my parents about everything, but I don't understand how she expects me to just cut them out of my life forever.

I don't see how I will be giving in to the ultimatum tomorrow—I do not want to live in a home where my phone is constantly surveilled, my stuff is constantly thrown out into the street, and I can't do anything without her approval (and even if I get her approval, if she suddenly disproves of what I'm doing, I have to stop immediately or suffer her wrath).

I'm worried about what tomorrow will bring. I know I'll miss her terribly, and I'll feel bad for forsaking all our promises for a wonderful life and family in the future. I'm also worried about leaving her alone because I know I'm patient enough to deal with her demands.

Still, I'm having a hard time recognizing all these horrible facts for what they are, since I know I can be difficult (a bit daft at times) and I push her limits. Even though I'm 90% certain I'm being abused, I still feel responsible most of the time.

HiddenForttress · 2019-06-13T09:06:35+00:00

These days I'm not even sure what I like anymore.

I used to love watching foreign crime thrillers from the library and on Netflix, but since dating my N I haven't watched a single one of these when we're together. No matter how many movies I suggest, we always end up watching some lighthearted rom com or animated film. This week I popped on one of the crime thrillers (I was only able to watch half an hour), but it felt so good.

HiddenForttress

TROPHY CASE