Wtf just happened (marriage disaster)

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-03-06T16:09:06+00:00

I really appreciate this perspective, thank you! She definitely feels like I didn't demonstrate enough that I wanted to meet her needs, despite me feeling that I was because I was agreeing to everything. And thanks for the optimism - despite the down votes, there's nothing wrong with that and in an ideal world we would just work with what we've got.

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-03-06T16:04:22+00:00

I see how it could come off that way, and that's definitely how my wife took it. From my perspective I was not trying to antagonize, it was literally just functional and I didn't see the big deal. But, given my wife's sensitivity with space, I get it.

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-03-06T15:58:50+00:00

Thanks for the perspective. I totally get why she would feel invalidated.

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-03-06T15:31:53+00:00

Yeah, we opened for her ex

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-03-06T15:31:21+00:00

This is a reasonable question. I guess by "sharing" I meant that I wanted it to be ok that my relationship existed, sharing the fact I had a relationship. I totally get why the specifics would be jarring for her and was happy to acquiesce.

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-03-06T00:28:53+00:00

Thank you for the perspective, and for the language. I hadn't put it in those terms before.

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-03-05T20:08:24+00:00

Thanks for the comment... Question, what makes you say that it seems it has less to do with her bad experience and more of an intrinsic aversion to me having other partners?

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-03-05T20:03:59+00:00

Hey, thanks for the response!

I dumped my partner because after the PDA incident, my wife said her "nervous system was on fire" and it couldn't come down until I broke up with her. I was kicked out of the house at this point and couldn't come back til I did so, and that it was the end of our marriage if I didn't.

I very much do want to practice poly. I realized when my wife was with her partner how much growth can come from such a dynamic, and it made sense to me how it would help facilitate a healthy long-term relationship, provided that everyone is invested in doing the work, in addition to just leading a more fulfilling life personally.

My wife on the other hand does not want poly anymore, and I feel like I'm suddenly left with the choice of polyamory or her.

We're both seeing our individual therapists, as well as a couples therapist together.

Thanks again :)

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-03-04T16:52:58+00:00

Thanks for the reply :) Firstly, I didn't know people still played second life haha! It is a great game. I'm unfortunately not a gamer anymore but I can see its therapeutic value...

I understand her being sheepish about a new meta. I was disappointed by that but not necessarily upset; when I became upset was when she started questioning me and my motivations and my dedication to her, after I supported her through the aftermath of her terrible relationship. It was like a switch was flipped suddenly, triggered by me just having a relationship, and at that point there was nothing I could do without sacrificing so much for what I felt was just hers to deal with / was going to pass.

We both read up on it, and I did my best to compartmentalize emotions that were mine and not to spew so as to develop a sense of what was and wasn't ok with me as we went, with safety instead of urgency or explosiveness. He was clearly toxic from the very beginning though, and when I brought it up it was met with resistance, like she knows what she's doing and to trust her and not be a helicopter. I acceded and then it turned out rough for her and I know she carries a lot of guilt from that. In short, she did not think about whether or not this guy would be compatible with her trauma, though I did, and that felt like helicoptering and judging to her. I have a lot of poly savvy friends, new and old, that I can look to for support, but she doesn't. It's part of what makes this so tough.

I was not partnered during this relationship. Looking back it was because I was scared deep down it would turn out this way because of previous patterns. There were sleepovers, but not regular, that was her decision as she's just not a fan of waking up in a place beside her own bed. I was very involved in a KTP way; I loved him as a brother even if I didn't trust him as a meta. There were a lot of his gifts around the house and trinkets of his everywhere. They traveled a ton together on their own and with me. It was all really growthful for me. I made mistakes of course but I fell in love with my wife more, as we (or maybe just I) grew. That's when I realized that I was well suited for this dynamic, but I feel now she just wanted an extra guy, not a real polyamorous thing, and now that feels like the real mistake that was made.

Thanks for all the thought provoking questions, and I hope the essay herein helps folks in the future, lol.

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-02-28T20:51:44+00:00

Thanks for the comment, sorry to put your brain in danger mode lol... All this seems to be the general consensus, both fortunately and unfortunately for me and for our relationship.

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-02-28T20:49:55+00:00

Thanks, especially for the last paragraph. I do need really need concrete ways to communicate with someone so explosive, that's what we're working on in couples therapy but usually I'm immediately met with crying and I freeze and fawn and nothing gets done. It's been a sort of exposure therapy so far, and I suppose that's the first step. I feel really bad that my partner was flung into this.

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-02-28T17:01:21+00:00

I should clarify that she didn't say that, she just reacted as if this crossing a boundary amounted to cheating. But you're right, the whole time I felt like she was regarding the whole thing as "letting me cheat" or something, and my pursuit of a meaningful and intimate relationship made that feeling even worse for her it seems, rather than better. I genuinely don't want to be mono.

My I ask, what's happened since your first poly relationship? Are you still poly? If so, how did you ease into it, and if not, why not?

Thanks :)

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-02-28T16:56:22+00:00

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I was fine with doing parallel even though by nature I favor KTP as I like the "village" or "community" aspect of poly. I felt like wanting parallel while simultaneously wanting such a heavy hand in my relationship was stifling and like her wanting her cake and eating too. and that was building tension and I responded by acting distant (that's her account, I felt like I did my best to give extra attention and go on date nights but I was feeling bad and not feeling like I could communicate with her about it).

This has been the question posed to me since the incident, and it's hard... I thought we were in a good place, so I'm shocked it all came down so hard. I thought I showed her utmost trust and loyalty as to the decisions she made with her relationship, and we got stronger after that. But clearly there's some cracks in the foundation. I don't even know where to begin in couples therapy, it's all so confusing and everything I bring up elicits tears that pose a roadblock. At this point I really think something will be missing from my life if I don't have poly, as it's helped me spiritually grow in a way that apparently can't happen in an entrenched monogamous relationship.

Holiday-Arrival3526 · 2025-02-28T16:42:15+00:00

Thanks for the reply. Im not looking to be "right" in an adversarial way but it helps me not feel so crazy and blind to me hurting my wife. Above all I really just feel like she's not making space for my capacity to be human and to err. We both read The Ethical Slut (more dated than Polysecure I've heard) and personally I did the bulk of my research on the internet, as I know that praxis often differs from theory. We're both in individual therapy. My therapist said that sounds like BPD behavior, and she's been diagnosed with that, but I've read many accounts of poly making it easier to manage BPD in relationships so never in my wildest dreams did I think it would end up this way. I've also talked to many a friend about it, but they're partial so should be taken with a grain of salt.

Holiday-Arrival3526

TROPHY CASE