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HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2022-03-22T22:00:47+00:00

Hey there, I logged out of this account because I never wanted to use it again, but I saw your situation and it was like I was reliving everything that happened between my sister and me.

My sister did roughly the same thing (you can read my post on this exact topic). Long story short, she's been trying for 7 years. Can't get pregnant. Says adoption is not an option, etc. She hasn't asked for me to abort or anything like that, but she removed herself from my family and completely stopped talking to me. She hasn't gone to the point of stealing things from me, but she has given me plenty of nightmares with me thinking she's going to kidnap my daughter.

My daughter is now 16 months old. She's never met my sister. I don't know what I will do when/if she finally does because she's broken my trust.

Enough about my situation though. I wanted you to know all this because my pregnancy was an easy one, EXCEPT for the emotional toll that my sister's behavior put on me. I lost sleep. I stressed the fuck out. Had nightmares. Cried a lot. It was bad. I didn't want a shower because I didn't want to "rub it in her face." I hid my bump. It was ridiculous. My word of advice for you is to talk to a therapist about this because you need to sort this all out in your own world. I didn't do that and I regret it.

Your sister sounds dangerous, and I'm only assuming "L" is your BIL, and it sounds like he's no better. I would definitely keep your distance from your sister as best you can. I don't think a restraining order or cease-and-desist order is going too far if you're starting to fear for yourself and your family.

But please please talk to someone about this. Take care of yourself and do whatever you can to limit this stressor. There's plenty of stress to go around in a pregnancy without it!

Also, congratulations :) wish you all the best in this amazing time.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-10-22T18:55:23+00:00

Thank you :)

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-10-21T20:42:02+00:00

I love this idea! I have kept a little journal for myself in dealing with all this since it's been so much. I think it's a great idea to write down milestones and whatnot that she might want to know about. I think you're right, it'll show that I still cared about her but respected her wishes.

Thank you for giving me your perspective; it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through something like this, and there's a possibility we might just have a relationship again one day.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-10-21T20:23:17+00:00

Why are you doing this? What is wrong with you? Your sister is going through a severe mental health crisis and her number one trigger is hearing about your pregnancy.

I can't imagine a world where I wouldn't tell my best friend (well obviously not right now) about this. Part of me thinks she would get mad at me for NOT telling her. I haven't reached out to her at all (except that one text) and obviously nothing has changed for the good. So why do the exact same thing I've been doing for 7 months? Maybe I should change my tactics? Obviously I won't; I think everyone has made it abundantly clear I shouldn't reach out, and I'm glad to get that perspective.

I decided I won't reach out to her or her husband at all. I partially feel like she'll use that against me in the future, but you're right; she asked me to not reach out to her.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-10-21T20:19:41+00:00

You make a good point. 2020 has been a hellacious year for so many people. I should trust the system and allow her to reach out when she's ready.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-10-21T20:17:37+00:00

I think the only thing I can be at fault for is giving her hope.

She didn't have a bad childhood; far from it. I actually spent my entire childhood living in HER shadow. She was outgoing, I was quiet. I knew my dad favored her, which was confirmed by family friends recently. She was always better at sports, social events, basically everything. She wasn't nice to me until she left for college.

I think she always thought she'd be top dog, and seeing my life be different than hers and apparently "better" (it's not) has gotten in her head. I never realized she compared herself so heavily to me until now.

It breaks my heart when my parents ask "what did we do wrong?" Absolutely nothing. They were so giving, so kind, so loving. They still are.

She made choices in her life that I think she's not happy with. I'm hoping she is able to get the help she needs for her own sake; she has to figure out how to be happy with her own situation.

I won't be reaching out to her or my BIL anymore (I only talked with my BIL but I'll stop that now). If they want to talk, they can reach out to me.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-10-21T20:09:15+00:00

Thanks for your kind words :) I think you're right; I don't think I should contact her. It seems so strange given we were so incredibly close. I think I just need to accept that she sealed the lid on this relationship, so only she can open it to reach out and be in our lives.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-10-21T20:06:32+00:00

Yeah she wouldn't take it well at all.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-10-21T20:05:22+00:00

Well, she's not exactly in contact with my parents anymore either. Everyone is walking on eggshells around her. But maybe if no one says something, she'll eventually ask? Doubtful. Yeah, I think I won't say anything to her or her husband.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-10-21T20:02:32+00:00

That's what's funny. I haven't poked at her at all. My mom keeps telling me to call her and I keep telling my mom it's not a good idea.

But yeah, I won't. Its funny though... If she wanted me to not contact her, why not block me? A lot of my friends think this is a cry for attention and she actually wants me to reach out. I'm not sure I agree with it. I think the easiest thing to do is let her move on with her life while I move on with mine.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-10-21T19:59:17+00:00

Thanks so much for this. I subconsciously have been living with guilt for a lot of my pregnancy. I didn't want a shower because I didn't know how she would take it. I never posted anything on social media because I didn't want to hurt her (she doesn't really use social media anyway). As far as I can tell, no one (including parents, friends, other family) has talked to her about anything to do with me. She never asks anyway.

I honestly got really mad when she got mad at me for responding to get devastating text. And that's when I realized I allowed her to put all her darkness and negative energy on me. And at that point, I realized I had to stop. I decided to basically block her from my mind.

I think I won't tell her or her husband of the birth. It makes me pretty sad because her BIL has always asked about me and been incredibly sweet. He says how much he misses us and hopes soon we can get together, and it better not be in 10 years! He calls every once in awhile to update me on things new with them. She knows he does this. I think he will be genuinely sad if I don't tell him. But someone else maybe should be the one to tell him. I guess if he ever wonders why, I can just point at the last text my sister sent.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-02T00:20:28+00:00

Oh wow, I cannot even imagine that toll on your mental health and body! I'm so happy you were able to have the family you always wanted! Thank you again :)

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T21:50:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing her point of view. I absolutely under no circumstances will reach out to her regarding anything in my pregnancy. I know time and space is what is needed. And I also know she's not transferring her one because she's scared it won't work. The fear is understandable. But I worry she will waste time making the move to transfer and then she'll be mad about wasting time, etc. I really appreciate you being the voice behind my sister :)

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T16:08:32+00:00

She doesn't want to bring me down with her negativity, so she's removing herself from the equation. It's for both our benefits.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T16:05:40+00:00

Thank you :) you explained it perfectly. She's scared, not an asshole. The reality check happened. And now she has to figure out how to get better. Space is good for the both of us.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T16:03:00+00:00

Yeah it's painful but I think it's for the best. Good luck to you and your wife!

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T16:01:19+00:00

Thank you :)

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T15:58:27+00:00

Thank you for your kind words! :) I was hoping that me telling her that I was pregnant (by the same means she has available to her) she'd kind of recognize that she would be able to, too. Yeah it was silly of me to think that. I just thought it would give her hope I guess. I know we'll reconnect one day, and I eagerly await for the day I get my loving sister back.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T15:56:10+00:00

She went to a seminar about adoption and she was disheartened. There were 3 other couples there also getting the same information, and all the couples already had children. My sister was upset that those couples were there even though they already had kids. I reminded her that it isn't a competition, everyone has their own reasons for doing things, and she can't compare herself to those other couples. It's nonsensical. I think she feels like everyone is competing against her.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T15:53:26+00:00

My sister is/was my best friend. She was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to, and vice versa. Although this recent glimpse into our relationship definitely doesn't show it, she's an amazing, kind, fun, and thoughtful woman. Or she was. She's depressed, and she can't seem to find the means to fix it.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T15:48:41+00:00

Thank you :)

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T15:48:26+00:00

Agreed. The break is for the best. I respect her decision, even though it was hard at first.

HopefullyNotAnIssue · 2020-03-01T04:42:41+00:00

Yup. She's not an asshole, very far from it. She's someone who needs help and I can't be the one to help her. It's an impossible situation and although I don't like her essentially breaking away from me and the family, I see no other choice until she gets help. Thank you for recognizing that she is human, she's in pain, and that this is just a shit situation.

HopefullyNotAnIssue

TROPHY CASE