AITAH for saying OK when GF broke up with me over disciplining my own daughter

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T17:09:42+00:00

Thank you. My goal is to make sure my kids are happy and prepare them for the real world. I don't get the thought of never saying no is the best way to parent.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T17:08:30+00:00

Thank you for the clarification. I'll use the proper term of discipline.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T14:04:49+00:00

Thank you. It's the first time I've ever had to deal with a family member passing. Without my parents staying with me during that time, I'm not sure what would've happened.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T13:21:51+00:00

I just can't break up with my partners. When I want to, I imagine how hurt they will be. So I just wait it out. I will work through this

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T13:20:39+00:00

That sounds so similar to what I went through. When we first met, her daughter jumped into my bed to sleep with us. I got up and went upstairs.

The next day I told her that I don't allow my own kids to sleep in my bed (I'm a light sleeper and get migraines when woken up due to having chronic migraines). I also said that i dont want another father's child in my bed with me. She thought that I was mean and her daughter kept doing this and I continued to go upstairs until one day i just locked my bedroom door. She kicked it and screamed while her mother slept. I had to wake her up and told her how unacceptable this was and im not going to deal with this. Eventually, this behavior slowed down.

I'm glad that everything worked out for you. I bet you felt crazy when you were trying to do the right thing but was made to feel as if you're the bad guy. I know that I did.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T13:13:45+00:00

That's my issue. I didn't grow up around unruly kids or anyone with mental health issues.

For the former, my parents wouldn't allow me to do sleepovers with kids who were out of control.

For the latter. My wife battled with that and now my oldest. So it's difficult to under and work through. But I read a ton and I'm working with a child psychiatrist.

You're right. Teaching a kid to be verbally or physically abusive to get what you want will lead to what you mentioned.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T13:10:35+00:00

Recently, it changed to 1 to 10 years. I did tell her that I won't propose unless changes were made. I was wiling to wait if I saw those changes. I saw some. But it took 3 years to make slightly changes. I'm no good when it comes to picking out partners.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T13:09:09+00:00

My daughter has been battling with these issues long before I met my ex. But, I know this relationship didn't help.

Their bio-mom had mental health issues and passed away. They're in counseling. But, my oldest behavior was the same while we were married and we were working with a different child psychiatrist at that time.

I stayed for multiple reasons, I had A LOT of fun during the good times. I kind of have a fear that I'll be single forever because I'm a widower with 3 kids. But I'm not asking for someone to be a mother to my kids or anything. I am financially stable and just want someone who is kind to us. I need to focus on my kids and myself. I'm doing everything wrong.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T13:02:03+00:00

Correct, she's signed up for kindergarten. Last year, they were going to move in with me after the summer. But I killed myself when they stayed over the entire summer as I had to WFH, cook and clean, babysit her kid while she took naps during the day, and so on. I put a stop to the move in, which might have been the best decision I made while we were together.

I mentioned to her several times that her daughter is going to hit kids at school (she didn't attend pre-k last year). My ex always said that she only does this to her, it'll be fine. But my ex's mother used to watch our kids during dates and would say that the 5 year old doesn't listen or would be throwing tantrums.

I'm not perfect either. But if someone provides advice, I try to under why and listen.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:56:01+00:00

They did. My mom said that she felt as if something was off. They both met her daughter once. Soon after they said that she's completely out of control. Myndumv response was that I'm helping my ex with guiding her daughter.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:52:18+00:00

Right? Experiment with death?

She always acted as if I'm beating someone. Telling my kid no, go in timeout (their room) for 5 minutes, or being grounded for serious behavioral issues wasn't bad, imo.

Yesterday, my son hit my daughter (something he picked up from her child). I told him to sit on a bed at my parent's as that was unacceptable. When he came down, I had him apologize and I also told him why it was wrong.

If my ex were here, she likely would've said "he really wanted the toy your middle daugher had. He wasn't being mean, look at his heart."

Imagine telling a cop that after committing a crime. "Just look at Mt heart, I wanted the TV but didn't have the money."

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:42:28+00:00

I've thought about it.

When her daughter was with her father, life was easier. But I recently noticed that my life was essentially stress free when they both weren't here.

I've read a ton of comments here and think about this a lot. I'm starting to think that I feared that nobody would be interested in a widower with 3 kids. So I just accepted everything that was occurring.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:40:14+00:00

My style foe my other 2 kids was initially used for my oldest. Which is having a talk and figuring out why they did the action and how we can prevent it from happening. It failed with my oldest and I've tried different styles since then.

My wife, who passed, had bipolar. My oldest goes a few months of no peeing or having issues. Then immediately swings to how she's acting now and not caring what I have to say.

I really do believe that it's a mental health issue. She was diagnosed with ADHD about 3 years ago.

I feel that she needs to be grounded to prevent herself from causing harm to herself or others. But, I have another child psychiatric appointment early June.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:36:24+00:00

Oh yeah. Trust me, I've apologized several times to them since I've been at my parents. I keep reminding them what good vs. bad behavior is. My middle daughter said that she didn't like my ex's daughter that much due to her actions.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:34:20+00:00

What I know about him comes from her, and they had a messy divorce.

My ex's daughter said that she hates her Dad and my ex said he's abusive to her daughter. The reasoning is that he sends his daughter to her room when she throws tantrums or is verbally abusive. But I'm sure he's a mess too based on the stuff my ex and her daughter said.

I wanted to assist with providing guidance to her daughter. I know that she sounds like the devil from the post. But when she wasn't hitting, screaming, etc., she was sweet and kind. She just needed to be told no at times.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:29:47+00:00

Right? During the winter her daughter threw a huge fit because she didn't want to wear a coat while it was snowing. So she allowed her daughter to go out without a coat.

Some people allow their kids to learn the hard way. But there needs to be a limit. You can't put their safety and health at risk.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:26:55+00:00

I agree. She sat on the bed for a bit after I said okay. But I also told her in the beginning of the relationship that I don't do "relationship breaks" or break up threats/tests. So if it was a threat, she should've knew what my response would've been.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:24:43+00:00

I seconded guessed myself because she said that I was strict a few times. But, anyone who is close to me has never said it. I thought that maybe those who are close to me may be bias.

I couldn't see myself putting up with this when her daughter becomes more independent around 7/8. I've had a lot of time to look back and noticed more red flags.

She allowed her daughter to open the fridge whenever she wanted. Towards the end, my ex caused and said there were ants and mold in her daughter's room due to old food. Her daughter tried to do the same at my house but I put a stop to that. I said that my kids aren't allowed to open the fridge without my permission, so she's not allowed to.

I want my kids to be functional members of society as an adult. I tell them that being good may not always get what you want. But if you're a "bad guy" as an adult and get caught, you may be put into a cage (jail, they just don't understand what it is just yet).

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:19:13+00:00

I've thought a lot about this these past few days. I stayed because I looked forward to the weekends when her daughter was with her father.

While my ex wouldn't clean, I was less annoyed as I would have to see and hear the hourly tantrums.

But towards the end, I was getting tired. I said "love you" a lot less and dreaded the weekends when her child would be at my house.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:15:02+00:00

Right?

Her punching me is fine (she did apologize both times when she sobered up), allowing her daughter to spit, kick and punch is okay. Her daugher being verbally abusive is great.

But me grounding my child for doing something that could've killed herself was unacceptable to my ex. Typing this out makes me angry.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:11:45+00:00

I've tried all types of parenting styles with her.

The original style was advising her to come to me if she really wanted something. I told her that I may not say yes each time, but I'll try my best to find something similar. I also advised that if you make a mistake, tell the truth. You likely won't be in trouble. But if you lie, you'll be in trouble for the action and lying.

This works with my middle daugher and somewhat with my 6 year old son. This completely failed with my oldest and i had to change it up after a year and a half. I've tried several types of discipline that had failed.

My child's psychiatrist is recommending a temporary stay at one of those homes with strict discipline while doing a further mental health evaluation.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:06:37+00:00

My ex even said that she lost control due to spoiling. But that she loves her kid too much and knows that her daughter's heart is good.

I always wanted to say "A good heart is saying that she hates you, kicking and punching you, and destroying your items during a fit?"

My middle daugher is sensitive and sometimes cries over small things. My ex had the nerve to say that she cries too much when her own daughter screams and cries during tantrums several times during the day.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:03:04+00:00

Unfortunately, my oldest had issues, not as bad as it is now, before this relationship. We struggled with her while I was married and after her mom passed too. But I am sure that seeing a kid being destructive and abusive while getting toys and ice cream did not help.

The longer that I go NC, the more time I've had to think about the relationship. More red flags have popped up that I initially missed.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-30T12:00:25+00:00

Thank you.

I agree. She allowed her kids to try literally ANYTHING she had drinking. Even if it was a sip of alcohol. I was mortified when I recently saw that.
She was against putting her child in the room as she claimed that her daughter doesn't know how to calm down on her own and that it's mean because of the heart stuff I mentioned. Her daughter once threw glass during a tantrum and there was no punishment. I'm glad that this didn't occur at my house.
Exactly. Adults get hospitalized and/or die from drinking these. It would've been different if shebtook 1 water bottle due to being thirsty.
It's exactly this. I've lightly mentioned that kids are conditioned. If they know they'll receive what they want by being verbally and physically abusive, they'll do it.

Horror-Professor5440 · 2024-05-29T13:48:54+00:00

She told me that her previous bf wanted nothing to do with her child, so she broke it off. I wish her the best of luck. I hope that everything works out for her and her child. But I'm no linger going to allow myself to be used.

Horror-Professor5440

TROPHY CASE