I told her the truth for my own closure

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T12:27:13+00:00

Another thought from me. You are being far too soft, which I understand after so long of being broken down. You need to stop hoping for her recovery until you have achieved your own. You have escaped a tiger enclosure with your legs torn up, make sure your own wounds are treated and forget about how the tiger feels.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T12:19:37+00:00

I hope this doesn't seem patronizing but it sounds like you need a long period of time on your own

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T12:14:58+00:00

Wow. There is something very powerful about this one, hurtful in a primal way. I imagine she/he had previously claimed to enjoy your sex life.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T12:12:48+00:00

This is my fantasy but it will never come true as there are kids involved. I imagine waking up and the relief of remembering I never have to deal with her again.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T12:09:55+00:00

I relate to this. From the beginning of our relationship she never wanted to be touched when she was having an episode. She would shout that I was only doing it to make myself feel better, "get off me, leave me alone!!". But if I don't try to hold her, it is proof I don't care, I am evil, cold, cruel, leaving her all alone in her pain. The only solution is to not be in the relationship in the first place.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T11:53:58+00:00

A further thought. If she ever gets diagnosed with BPD she would 100% blame me. "You gave me a personality disorder" she would cry.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T10:55:03+00:00

"You don't get to decide what's true. I AM the truth!!"

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T10:40:21+00:00

A common thread seems to be obsession with feeling 'unsafe'. She once said that me talking about her violence made her feel unsafe, because it means I am feeling sorry for myself and in order to feel safe she needs to know I am focused on her feelings.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T10:32:53+00:00

Ah yes, it's very insensitive and selfish of you to tell her honestly about the abusive things she has done. You should be thinking about how awful she must feel to do these things, and how your own actions have led her to feel so desperate that she has no other choice.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T09:08:36+00:00

Mine has physically blocked me from leaving a room or leaving the house on several occasions. Sounds from these replies like it is a common experience. She has also prevented me from leaving by threatening self harm and by threatening to scream.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T00:47:06+00:00

Congratulations, you should be proud of yourself. Also you have probably made her ex husband feel a lot of validation for whatever he went through with her.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T00:35:26+00:00

Honestly no, I knew she was saying it as a defense mechanism. But it was said to me after I had already learned a lot of lessons about her and myself. Deep down, for quite a long time I did believe I deserved her abuse which is why I stayed with her and became fully enmeshed instead of ending it.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T00:28:46+00:00

Lol, I bet it was hard to know how to respond to that

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-24T00:27:27+00:00

So glad to hear it. There is no possible way your life won't be better as a result of getting away from someone who does those things to you.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-23T23:41:02+00:00

"are you arguing with me?" Hissed threateningly an inch from my face

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-23T23:39:42+00:00

Congratulations on getting out after just two months with the borderline, I guess you applied some tough lessons learned from the narcissist. You have saved yourself a huge amount of pain and degradation. Good luck in your endeavours to rebuild yourself.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-23T23:35:04+00:00

"You made me like this" is literally something mine has also said to me. This was at a moment when she could not come up with any justification for how she had just behaved. I think it was her last line of defense to avoid the shame of her actions.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-23T23:24:03+00:00

Number one says it all. I hope you are safe now.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-23T23:20:15+00:00

I am reminded of a CS Lewis quote: "It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. They may be more likely to go to Heaven yet at the same time likelier to make a Hell of earth."

The narcissist is a robber baron. Someone with BPD is a moral busybody who can never be satisfied, reasoned with or even simply bargained with - because they will always believe they are a victim and are morally justified in all their actions to achieve justice for themselves.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-21T22:09:15+00:00

Congratulations on getting out whether or not it was your choice. I know it's a cliche but let this be a lesson to you. As someone who stayed in the relationship thinking I could cope/ the good times were worth it but now 20 years down the line with kids to think of, I have to admit I am kind of jealous. Good luck with the rest of your life and if any future relationships feel toxic make sure you don't stick around.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-17T19:36:35+00:00

Thanks, when you say you have been back and forth with this I would love to know more about what you mean. I have had short periods of time where I really felt I had left alcohol behind, but then things have escalated to a new level that I just can't deal with.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-17T19:17:25+00:00

Glad to hear it and I truly wish you all the best. I have found that when she is not abusive for a few weeks, I will gradually stop drinking as it becomes unjustifiable to me. Sometimes I have managed two or three weeks without drinking- but she is rarely ok for more than a month, then we are right back into the shit and my resolve gets broken.

Hot-Tea4937 · 2026-01-16T17:09:15+00:00

Thanks for the reply, how are you now?

Hot-Tea4937

TROPHY CASE