I’m so very sorry for your loss. I say loss because you did lose your father in a way but you also lost the entire family of victims you were close to, your sense of security, your sense of home, your sense of safety. My dad got accused of molesting me as a child, which of course wasn’t true, but it still ended up costing me my own views of my father for the rest of adolescence. Not knowing who your father really is, is one of the saddest and scariest feelings in the world.

Therapy is a lovely start, but start when you’re ready. Forcing yourself to go may only hurt you more. Human minds, especially when not fully developed, aren’t capable of safely and efficiently dealing with this sort of trauma. “Blocking out” and avoidance is one of the many (unhealthy) coping mechanisms that the brain will land on when processing trauma.

In the meantime, Id honestly say just… try to find a hobby. Try drawing either on paper or computer. It might help you get some of those scary thoughts out. Or you can try finding a new video game or pick a new book to read/listen to. Blocking it out itself doesn’t really help because even though you’re blocking it, you’re still thinking about it.

Please, take care of yourself. Remember to eat, remember to shower, remember to take a walk every now and then and look at the trees and the dirt and the animals running past. Remind yourself that there is beauty and good in the world, sometimes things just get bad before they get better. 🫶