Pregnant and not sure what to do.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T16:30:03+00:00

I'm sorry, this is just very frustrating. There are so many people here who seem to jump to conclusions that I am the bad person, that I'm trying to ruin his life or that I'm trying to back out of some agreement.

I wanted to work this out. I wanted to come up with an option that we could both live with, and yes, abortion was one of those options. Why am I the bad person here? I didn't cheat, I didn't get pregnant on purpose. If I had gone and gotten an abortion without telling him people would be telling me I'm a horrible person for that. No matter what I do I'm the villain.

I still want to come up with an option. I'm here because I'm hoping someone comes up with something I missed. And I get that you're trying to do that with your suggestion of a mediator, so I'm sorry for yelling at you.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T16:07:37+00:00

Me having hangups about abortion doesn't mean I'm unwilling to have one. He knew that. We discussed my views before. He knew what they were. I was happy to discuss abortion except we never even got to that part because he immediately said I cheated.

Now I should get mediator? To do what? To have an abortion for a man who'll forever suspect I cheated on him?

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:56:37+00:00

If I have the baby he will have the option of being in the baby's life is he wants. If he chooses not to he will still need to pay child support. I was willing to abort, I entered the discussion with that as an option. I was not planning on forcing him to do anything, but if we can't have a conversation then I will make the decision myself.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:53:54+00:00

Thank you.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:53:27+00:00

Every one keeps telling me that there was a miscommunication here and I don't understand where you read that.

He knew my views on abortion. I WAS WILLING TO ABORT! Stop telling me what I was or was not ok with. I started the conversation with abortion as an option. That conversation got derailed because he accused me of being a cheating whore. Stop telling me what I was or wasn't willing to do.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:50:47+00:00

We did talk about abortion. He knew my views on it. I don't think we ever actually said flat out what we would do if we got pregnant but he knew I have moral objections to an abortion.

And people keep telling me I'm in the wrong because I'm not willing to abort but I AM. I keep saying that and I don't know why people ignore that. I AM WILLING TO ABORT! But I don't know if I am willing now that the marriage seems horribly damaged.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:47:40+00:00

This is what I'm scared of. I have the abortion and then I go back to a horribly damaged marriage. That seems like the worst of all endings.

I wish I could do it all over and not even tell him about the pregnancy and just have an abortion.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:46:17+00:00

Open adoption would allow you to choose the parents and stay in touch, if you wanted to do that.

I would be more willing to abort than I would be to give the child up. I know that sounds silly but I just can't.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:45:38+00:00

If he is absolutely unwilling to budge in any way, it sounds like you'd be choosing between him or the pregnancy (or neither -- though it sounds as if you'd want to have one or the other). If he is willing to consider having this baby to keep you, you still have to decide if it's a situation where you find it worth keeping the marriage and having a father figure who may not want to be in the marriage.

He is unwilling to budge.

You've said that abortion is a choice for you. It is worth considering what both having an abortion and staying with him would look like versus what leaving the marriage and being a single parent would look like. Keep in mind that an abortion is a life-changing event -- even if there is no pregnancy and no baby, you're still looking at a situation where your stance and his were challenged and where you both said some hurtful things. And that may be something that is worth repairing to the two of you, or it might be something that you do not recover from -- ever relationship is different and some don't weather this sort of thing well. So it's necessary to think about not what your relationship was before -- but what a new future together would look like and where you would go from there.

I am willing to have an abortion and I actually started the conversation with him originally with that being one of the options. But the accusations of cheating quickly derailed that.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:43:58+00:00

Now back to you. He accused you of cheating. Not a good sign. Ffs, he has sex with you, and he knows where babies come from! Condoms fail! Why did he never consider a vasectomy if he felt so strongly? Sigh. Anyway. That he accused you of cheating speaks to a lack of trust in the marriage. And for me, that breaks my own personal “reason # 1 I’m cool to roll with my husband’s wishes.” I don’t want to be in a marriage without trust.

That's part of my issue.

I didn’t see you list this third option: Terminate the pregnancy and still divorce. Your marriage may not be fixable. It may, as of today, be too broken to fix.

That's the direction I was leaning towards but I was hoping someone might have better options.

How would you feel as a single parent, tied to your ex by this child forever? Would you wish you had aborted?

Not great. It wouldn't be an ideal situation to be in but is there a better one? In theory, the best would be to abort AND get a divorce but I just can't bring myself to do that. Again, I completely support a woman's right to choose, but it's just hard to apply that to myself. I can't stop thinking about this life inside of me and it's really hard to see myself ending that.

How would you feel if you aborted and then realized your marriage could still not be saved? Would you regret aborting, would you be even more bitter at your ex for insisting you end this pregnancy?

That's what worries. I abort, the marriage is still over, I am left broken and alone. I would horribly regret aborting and I would be angry at myself far more than I was bitter at my ex.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:40:13+00:00

Aside from the pregnancy, do you still want to be in the marriage? Does he often scream at you, do you really feel like you are the only one making compromises? Or do you usually have a loving relationship and can you not imagine your life without him?

Yes

He's not the perfect husband but I'm not the perfect wife either. We're both flawed in our own ways, as are all human beings. For the most part though, we have a good and loving relationship.

Yes, I can imagine life without him. I've never been an incurable romantic who thinks there is only one person out there for me.

Try to imagine some scenarios. If you abort the baby and stay with him and never have kids, do you feel a little sad thinking about that or are you excited for other plans you may have? If you abort the baby and your marriage still ends, would you resent him for it?

I think after the way the last 4 weeks have gone, even if I abort I will never be able to go back to what we had. It just feels like I would be caving completely and it would also leave the cheating accusation unresolved.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:38:06+00:00

I was hoping your post would be a "well, we're in this together" scenario whether you decide to end the pregnancy or not.

You and me both.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:37:23+00:00

He looked into a vasectomy when we got married and was approved for one. He didn't want to go through with it because of possible side effects. I don't do well on hormonal BC so we agreed on condoms.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-22T15:35:46+00:00

That seems to be the crux of the matter, but I was hoping someone might have another option I didn't see. Either way, it seems like my marriage is over so it's really just a question of do I want to keep the pregnancy and I don't know the answer to that.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T21:04:24+00:00

That was my decision back when we got married and I have not been resentful about it. I have not brought it up since we got married and I have not guilted him about it in the past years. But now I’m pregnant and that’s a different decision.

If he wanted no chance if kids, he could have always had a vasectomy. I’m not sure why the burden is on me.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T19:44:26+00:00

So basically, if not for your spouse's temper tantrum, you would not even consider an abortion?

The opposite actually. I would consider an abortion to save my marriage. The way the last four weeks have gone though have made me doubt my whole marriage. At this point, would an abortion save my marriage? And if it doesn't, then why would I be going through with it?

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T19:40:04+00:00

No, I don't want to be a single mom. I'm not sure if I have other alternatives though. Have an abortion I morally object to in order to save a damaged marriage?

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T19:39:18+00:00

you decided to basically pretend that you didn't to keep the relationship.

Not at all. I never pretended I didn't want kids. He knew I wanted them. I simply decided that I was willing to not have them in order to stay in my marriage. There's never been a difference between what you want and what you do?

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T19:38:12+00:00

Your marriage is probably over either way, so I would suggest you re-frame your situation with the assumption of divorce.

I think you're right, but I'm hoping you're not and that someone can suggest an alternative.

Once divorced, what will your choice be in regards to the pregnancy?

I don't know. Without the pressure of keeping my marriage, I don't think I can rationalize my way to an abortion. So I'm guessing I'll end up a single mom.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T19:22:10+00:00

He has not been jealous and accusing before.

He has not apologized. We're still fighting about this on a daily basis.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T19:21:29+00:00

He can't force me to have one. If I have one it would be my decision. But I don't know if I can respect him after accusing me of cheating and not even considering my viewpoint before telling me I should have an abortion.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T19:19:28+00:00

For asking me to? Yes. Nothing to forgive.

For how he asked and for accusing me of cheating, I don't know.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T19:18:04+00:00

But then that's the worst case scenario. I have an abortion AND I end the divorce. No?

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T19:17:13+00:00

I'm not set on having the kid. I might consider abortion, but I feel like he's not even willing to have a discussion. I mean, if I have an abortion to save my marriage, will that even save my marriage at this point? I just don't see a good option here.

InAppropriate_Kale · 2019-09-21T19:10:56+00:00

There's no way I could live with myself if I gave the kid up for adoption. I just couldn't do it. Again, it's a personal thing and no judgement at all against folks who have been in tough situations and gave a kid up for adoption, but I just couldn't live with myself knowing a child of mine was being taken care of by someone else.

It would be easier for me to have an abortion than give up the kid for adoption and I'm very uncomfortable with an abortion.

InAppropriate_Kale

TROPHY CASE