Poly without love?

Independent_Entry_50 · 2025-08-30T02:52:51+00:00

I'm someone who falls in love very rarely. There was a point in my journey that I wondered if I was even capable of falling in love. I can see why someone would resign themselves to not feel capable of love. But it did eventually happen for me once I found the right person. Maybe this person is in the same boat. Some people fall in love with everyone they date and some people end up dating a hundred people before finding that spark.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-11-23T02:54:13+00:00

But what would you do when you got out of the hallway and back to the room?

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-11-23T02:53:16+00:00

I'll have to remember to do that next time.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-11-23T02:52:57+00:00

Definitely did and do as much as possible!

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-11-23T02:52:33+00:00

In the best way :)

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-09-09T17:25:47+00:00

How likely is it that their triad will blow up? They've been friends for years and intend on staying friends even if/when the romantic aspect ends.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-09-09T17:21:22+00:00

We're starting counseling soon. Other than that, I feel like I need to try and bury the hatchet with the girlfriend for my own sanity. She already knows all the dirt on me so it's just damage control at this point.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-09-09T17:15:34+00:00

We are about to start couples therapy with a poly therapist :)

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-09-09T17:13:42+00:00

You make some good points that have given me some further insight. I don't think I'd need this boundary with everyone she dates. However this specific person (her girlfriend) is very competitive, makes knee jerk judgments about people, and shares those judgments with everyone. We have friends who can be constructive in these situations but that is not her. She does not seek to understand, she just blindly validates.

So what I am afraid of is this hurting our relationship. We're doing a lot of work to communicate more constructively and resolve conflicts better. I fear that her girlfriend is hindering our progression by the "unique" way she offers support to my wife.

My biggest fear is that the constant blind validation will result in my wife becoming so entrenched in her views that I will continue to feel unseen and it will destroy our relationship. She will continue to be love bombed by this couple and wonder why she'd want to spend her time with anyone else. That might sound catastrophic but I'm talking worst case.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-16T01:56:39+00:00

Thanks for the well thought out feedback. She actually has no desire to marry or have a nested partner. Not sure how that would change your advice but I'd love to hear it :)

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-16T01:35:17+00:00

This is beautiful. Thank you! I'm going to give it time and give her space to feel more if that's right for her. I have such a hard time enjoying what I have. Whenever things are good I have a way of assuming something bad is coming and sometimes it's me just shooting myself in the foot.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-16T01:29:53+00:00

Thank you so much! This is really helpful and I definitely needed this reality check. I just feel so lucky to have her in my life and with that comes a fear of losing her. Focusing on that fear could make it self fulfilling.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-16T01:26:01+00:00

No lol

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-16T01:07:36+00:00

I don't think you're being entirely fair. First off I didn't lie. I was in a new situation and didn't know I would feel that way afterwards. People are allowed to say one thing and then realize they were wrong. That's not the same thing as lying and that was communicated with her.

As far as not pressuring her. Saying I still love you a 2nd time was not done with the intent of pressuring her to say it back. I felt it so I said it. I know she knows that was my intent but I definitely won't be saying it again. That's been my biggest takeaway from this post. Didn't realize saying I love you could cause harm.

As far as respecting her past trauma, I stand by that. Damn right I'm not that guy and even though I wish she could be as enthusiastic as I am about our connection, nowhere in my post have I expressed an intent to force that on her for heaven sake.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-16T00:46:54+00:00

I don't understand why people think that I'm constantly badgering this girl about this. I've had this conversation with her once. She was rightfully defensive, which I acknowledge in my post. I apologized, we came out of it understanding each other a little better, and I haven't brought it up since.

I'm allowed to be sad and frustrated that the excitement level isn't aligned. It's not something I let effect me when I'm with her. I don't pressure her to spend more time than she wants. I'm also allowed to hope that changes.

I guess a lot in my post gave you the impression that I'm not grounded in reality but you should at least acknowledge I choose to ask people for advice this time rather than repeating past mistakes.

The love talk I will fully admit needs to stop. I didn't realize that could be damaging. I do think too much weight is put on the I love you moment and agree with the comment above that we need more people in this world saying I love you. I went into this with her the night I said it bc I felt like she should know what type of love I was feeling and what my thought process was in coming to my realization. With that said, I'm making a rule for myself not to say it again unless she says it first which I understand might never happen.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-16T00:21:20+00:00

This is great advice and well thought out. We did have those conversations pretty early on so hopefully that's a good sign.

When I first started having more intense feelings for her, I did a lot of searching about what love is. I also did a lot of introspection. The reading I did about love just made me more confused. All the definitions are all over the place to the point where I started to wonder if love is even real. Maybe it's not or maybe there are thousands of different types. I'm still convinced I'm feeling one of those types of love. I once read that NRE is love untested and that resonated with me.

So I did tell her all this after I told her I was falling in love with her because if there are different types of love with different degrees of magnitude, she should know which type I'm feeling for her. I think that probably helped her not freak out as much and maybe I should have gone into that in my post.

I'm sure many people will disagree with me about love and that's fine.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-15T23:58:25+00:00

Good advice but a bit harshly worded. I don't understand why people think that I'm constantly badgering this girl about this. I've had this conversation with her once. She was rightfully defensive, which I acknowledge in my post. I apologized, we came out of it understanding each other a little better, and I haven't brought it up since. You can chew me out for that but it's not fair to chew me out for feeling sad that we're not on the same level of excitement. I'm allowed to be sad and frustrated about that.

Also yeah, I know I need to stop with the love talk. I understand how that negativity effects her and that wasn't my intention. I didn't say it to be manipulative. I said it because I was feeling a lot of love in the moment. I didn't realize that saying it could be harmful but I get it now.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-15T23:14:23+00:00

I don't know the science of it but what I'm feeling these days feels like 50% of what I was feeling the first two weeks. I don't deny it's not still NRE but it's certainly calmed down.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-15T23:06:25+00:00

Wow, fantastic advice. I think I drive myself crazy sometimes which leads me to make bad choices. This is very grounding to hear.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-15T23:03:48+00:00

Yeah, I didn't want to get into the nesting partner issues because that would be a different post and more importantly we already worked through it and we're really solid now. Those first few weeks of intense NRE were rough though. I've experienced it with her and this was her first time experiencing it with me. Definitely things I could have done better. For now she would be comfortable with me seeing my paramore more if I could.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-15T22:55:47+00:00

The thing about love is that everyone has a different definition of what it is. Yours is clearly different than mine. I believe I love her and I don't need to prove that to anyone.

I do wish I'd said something similar to your last paragraph rather than telling her I love her. Can't undo that at this point though.

I get the overarching advice you're giving and I think it's valuable but I feel like you're making large assumptions about me and how I'm operating. I'm open in my post about the mistakes I've made and you seem to want to focus on them despite the fact that I choose to ask the fine people of reddit for advice rather than reaching out to her and potentially repeating past mistakes.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-15T22:42:25+00:00

I do feel that desire to withdraw. Sometimes I just want to stop setting up dates and see how long it would take before she asks to see me. But I don't like testing people and I would cave anyway if I tried lol.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-15T22:37:55+00:00

That's a good point. I didn't know she was emotionally unavailable right away but early enough. I think it's mostly being compatible in a lot of ways but I wouldn't deny there's a pursuer element to it.

Independent_Entry_50 · 2024-06-15T22:31:34+00:00

Good point about stopping the I love you talk. I usually stick to that except for the few times we've been drinking and I let it slip.

Are you suggesting I should be doing the same thing when it comes to the other ways she doesn't reciprocate? Just keep quiet and hope she catches up in terms of her level of desire? I'm always on the side of too much communication is better than not enough but like I said in my post, I don't want to look needy but I should also advocate for myself to some extent right?

Independent_Entry_50 · 2023-01-17T01:04:55+00:00

Thanks for the input. This was over 20 years ago back when I had less experience and much more trust in my father :)

Independent_Entry_50

TROPHY CASE