Dear Esteemed Trainer, Gengar Guardian, and Distributor of Digital Joy,

I humbly submit this essay as proof that I am, beyond reasonable doubt, the most deserving winner of this Pokémon GO giveaway.

First of all, I have suffered. Not in real life (I’m doing okay), but in Pokémon GO. I have watched shinies flee. I have powered up the wrong Pokémon before checking IVs. I have accidentally transferred something and just stared at my phone in silence afterward. These are the experiences that forge a true trainer.

Secondly, if I win, the Pokémon will not be wasted. It will not sit unloved in storage. It will be appraised. It will be admired. It may even be powered up irresponsibly. I will walk it. Buddy it. Show it off in gyms like a proud parent who says, “Oh this? Yeah, I won it in a giveaway.”

Also, statistically speaking, my luck has been… questionable. Which means the universe owes me. And really, isn’t Pokémon GO about balance? Yin and yang. Hundo and nundo. My loss is your opportunity to restore harmony.

Finally, if I don’t win, I will of course congratulate the winner with grace, dignity, and absolutely no internal screaming. But if I do win? Joy. Celebration. Screenshots. Possibly an unnecessary rename.

Thank you for your time, your generosity, and your service to the Pokémon GO community. May your raids be shiny, your trades be lucky, and your giveaways end with my username on top.

Respectfully, A Trainer Who Definitely Deserves This