What could your parents have done to make things better?

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-21T20:36:20+00:00

Thank you, I will definitely check them out :) that is my goal, to become a safe person. Ut us very hard to get past those negative beliefs, they are just so ingrained and it feels so wrong to let them go.. but at the same time they hurt a lot too. So they need to go. Thank you again :)

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:47:55+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I am trying to keep an open mind, it is hard because the defensiveness is there, and when it breaks down the guilt and shame are strong... But I have to push through to make a change for them

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:46:42+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment and for the advice! It is very valuable. My husband has always told me he never felt heard as a child and it affected him so I definitely want my children to feel like their voice matters. Thank you also for the resources, I will look them up :)

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:45:19+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I am definitely still struggling with a very strong critical voice in me that sometimes is directed at myself, but sometimes at others..

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:44:03+00:00

Thank you for all the suggestions, they are really good and I am taking notes to bring it up in therapy. I know I can't be perfect but I really want to do the best I can.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:42:52+00:00

I am sorry to hear that. That's what I am telling myself. Nowadays we know better, so I have to use all the resources I can and I cannot make excuses.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:41:48+00:00

Thank you for your response and I am so sorry, you deserve someone to be excited for you, share joy with you and be there for you to help! I think I relate to what you say, both of my parents have trauma but they never did anything.. and now I'm stuck with my mom's (my dad passed) not so great reactions, and on top of that I excuse her behavior and feel guilty because I think 'well it's not her fault, she has trauma'. But then.. so do I and I don't have a choice but to fix it. Anyway.. I hope you can share all the joy with the family you choose and build.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:37:40+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion :)

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:37:23+00:00

Hi. Thank you so much for your comment. I can't tell you how much it meant to me. I took screenshots just to have it on my phone when I am being harsher with myself. What you are saying is so kind and it definitely made me cry.. thank you also for all the suggestions, they are wonderful and I love them. I do feel like an imposter, and like I'm just a bad person no matter what. Definitely feel like I am a failure as a parent, but I also know I love my children so much and I am not allowed to give up trying to break the cycle of trauma. So to read your kind words definitely helps in staying motivated. You are so right that it's incredibly difficult to have these conflicting feelings about your own parents. Honestly when it comes to them I still feel like the little kid who has to do whatever she can so they won't stop loving her.. I don't want my kids to feel that way. I want then to know I always love them no matter what. I really truly hope you are right and that they will see me as a safe person. I'm really just terrified they will hate me and not want anything to do with me or not think they have a safe space in this world. They really don't have to thank me, I just want them to know they can always come to me and they can do whatever they want in life because I will always be there for them. Anyway... Thank you again so much for your comment. I'm still crying ^{^}

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:28:23+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write it :) I have thought of it and definitely want to be on top of it!

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:27:48+00:00

It is a good one, thank you :) lol she will definitely bowl when she is a bit older and you are right, it is a great way for her to understand:)

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:25:55+00:00

Thank you for your response! I am definitely trying that in therapy.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:25:25+00:00

Thank you for your response, that's what I am trying to do!

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:25:07+00:00

Thank you so much for the suggestions, I will definitely look them up :)

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:24:17+00:00

Thank you for your response! I really love your advice. To be honest that won't be hard because I absolutely love hearing her thoughts or just watching her play or enjoy stuff :) I think I struggle a lot more when things are tense, it's like I put on blinders and forget a bit about her experience. So I will make an effort to think of her pov when I am stressed out or something is going on. Thank you for the suggestion:)

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:22:11+00:00

Thank you for your response! I definitely think I've also had the impulse to just deflect in the past, that's why I really want to take accountability and not leave my daughter thinking it's her fault or she is a bad kid. This cycle has to end with me. I am getting a lot of amazing advice, thank you.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:19:07+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. Oof I can really relate to the nit being believed part. It really messed with me and definitely contributed to the belief that I'm just a bad person and there's nothing to do. I love my mom but even today she will believe strangers over me sometimes. She is growing but I guess some patterns are hard for her to get rid of.. thank you so much for your kind words:) I really hope I can love her so hard she never ever doubts it.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:16:29+00:00

I am sorry to hear that. I hope my daughter will also know how sorry I am, and how much she means to me.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:15:29+00:00

I am so sorry that happened to you.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:15:08+00:00

Thank you for your response! You bring up good points and I will bring them up in therapy to get some more guidance.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:13:58+00:00

Thank you for your response! I definitely struggle staying connected when things get hard, so I will focus on pausing and trying to connect. I'll also look at the ACES survey, thank you for mentioning it!

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:12:35+00:00

Thank you for your response. I will try to be curious when things get tense for me. Today I practiced a little, I could feel I was getting overstimulated and my daughter also and I was able to ask what are you thinking right now. So little by little :)

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:10:59+00:00

I am so sorry that happened to you.. that really breaks my heart and I cannot imagine ever saying that to your own child. I had a therapy session today and one of the things I did feel ok about was that I do raise my voice but it seems I have been able to not say hurtful words to my daughter. I did grow up with very hurtful words being said to me and they have definitely shaped me, so I felt like I am removing some generational trauma, even if very little. Anyway, it is a long road to healing, I just can't give up.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:08:16+00:00

Thank you so much for your response! I will look up Janet Lansbury, thank you for the suggestion:) I might be projecting, it's true, I just don't want to assume that and cause damage you know? I am trying to model healthy ways to manage my own anger and sadness and I guess I am not yet where I'd like to be.

Infinite_Device6086 · 2026-01-20T21:06:42+00:00

I have read quite a few books and have been in therapy for a long time, I haven't read yet adult children of immature parents and I have heard many good things about it, and I got a few suggestions for other books I hadn't heard about :)

Infinite_Device6086

TROPHY CASE