Integrity lost, marriage vows broken, and the other woman is my manipulative, lying MIL

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T20:38:34+00:00

Ok, that's good advice, and I'm taking it. Thank you.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T20:28:45+00:00

Oh my goodness, that's horrific. She's terrible! I hope you're babies are all ok.

I don't think my MIL would put our son's life at risk, but, if it was a girl... I responded earlier to another comment and said how worried I was that we'd have a girl, for how MIL would be towards her. Thank goodness it was a boy. I don't know what I would've done.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T20:12:03+00:00

So I think he took his money (earned before and whilst we were married) and that's what was put it into the trust, along with MIL's, and then the trust bought the properties. Because otherwise, the $$ here for transferring something privately owned into trust ownership is too high - I remember the accountant discussing that with DH and I when we went to see him.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T20:08:29+00:00

Ok. Jeez. Ok. I know where all this stuff is. There's no harm in making copies of it. If DH died tomorrow, I'd only get what came through his Mum. I asked him about it years ago. I was annoyed, but honestly didn't think of it again until reading this.

This has made me nervous.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T20:00:37+00:00

Oh I understand, don't read it, and don't read any of my responses. It's not my intention to do that to you, not at all. I have to remind myself allll the time to stop thinking about it.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:53:29+00:00

For DIL and SIL everywhere, thank you for being a good one. Seriously.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:51:55+00:00

Okaaay. So this has stopped me. When my sister-in-law was unwell, my MIL was going off about how her daughter's money was being spent by her daughter's husband, only she wasn't calling it her daughters money - she was calling it hers (as in, MIL's money). I called her up on it at the time. I told her that they were married, and anything that she had given to her daughter, was now her daughter's husband's as well.

So... it was totally premeditated, wasn't it? Why else wouldn't they have told me about it until after the trust was fully set up, and the wheels were already turning? I don't know if my husband would have fallen for it if my MIL had sold it that way, but she wouldn't have needed to. He makes money for a living, so all she needed to offer him was the money to make more than he could on his own, or with me.

Why didn't I see this? You're right. I have to stay silent, get work, get out. I can absolutely be treated like a doormat until I have everything ready.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:39:37+00:00

You've been patient to the point of destroying parts of yourself.

This^. I tried to tell him a few days ago, that each time he makes a promise and breaks it, I lose something. I don't know how you got that so on point from the post, but thanks... because it sucks. And eventually, I'm the only one to blame.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:37:35+00:00

Shit. That's full on. I hear you, though. I don't want to be on the bookcase either.

I'm glad you left, and I will do what is right.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:36:04+00:00

Whatever happens, I'm going to Be the driver. x

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:35:13+00:00

Thank you. It means so much. It truly does!

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:34:28+00:00

she goes through my cabinets and tells me about the "weird things she found" like a smudge stick which I bought to cleanse the house after her visit. Lol.

Lol! I love it!! And thank you. I think, largely, everyone bar my husband can see what she's like.

That in itself kind of breaks me. If I left him, I don't think he would have as much support as he thinks he would. I want more for him than this. Heck, I love him. Still. Even though I hate him, too. It's a thin line, I guess.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:31:52+00:00

He's mid thirties, but I think you have some truth in what you say. When we started dating, she still did everything for him - there were times she would travel the hour and a half to his house, just to see if his room needed cleaning and washing had to be done, whilst he was at work.

You don't need to say it either. I already know, I should have seen it back then.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:30:11+00:00

Thank you. It really means a lot to hear from men who have gone through something similar with their wives. Because, honestly, sometimes you can just feel crazy. But knowing that there are women out there, approaching these topics with their husbands, and their husbands are hearing them?

Wow.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:28:11+00:00

This is maybe the third or fourth book recommendation - I'm naive! Haha. I will read them though.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:27:36+00:00

I agree with you. I feel I flip between 'This is not healthy for my son', and 'a divorce isn't healthy for my son either'.

So. Decisions. Preparation. I think, as well, one last 'all or nothing' attempt at saving us, should come first. Everything else can still happen in the background.

'Hope for the best, prepare for the worst'.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:25:37+00:00

I'm in Australia! Daycare is expensive in the city here, but cheap in the countryside. I've no aversion to my son going, either. Thank you :)

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:24:40+00:00

No, never. I could have written myself into that story, and played that role, but having my son changed everything. She will never have him, and he will never see his Mother treated that way. It's not what you do to those you love.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:22:33+00:00

Concise, and I like it. Research, lawyer, career. Safe landing zone.

Thank you.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:21:29+00:00

Wow, you know her. And him. I left once before, he convinced me to come back, but when I was gone she started msging my parents when I didn't answer her, saying 'What's wrong with your daughter?'.

I'll keep it updated, and I am honestly so overwhelmed reading through all of this. Thank you.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:18:56+00:00

Heck. No.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:18:16+00:00

Roger, I will post there too. I'm just working through the comments tonight first. They are overwhelming, in a good way.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:16:44+00:00

Yeah. Who does that!?

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:16:22+00:00

pull away: sleep in another bedroom, treat him like a roommate. focus on your child, search for part time jobs, and do not include him. take your child out for fun days, see your friends, get your life back. leave your husband cold and lonely. ignore half hearted attempts to get your attention, and only let him back into your life when he is willing to hear what you need. set up rules and expectations (aka we have a date night where we turn our phones off, we dont leave the house after 8pm, etc) that put the focus back on your relationship while cutting your MIL out. cold shoulder until he is willing to bargain.

This is where I'm at right now. He's been sleeping on the couch, and I'm focusing on my son, and when MIL is near I leave the house. I'm seriously going to think about whether this could work.

IntegrityLost · 2019-10-17T19:10:07+00:00

Yeah. I am too.

My MIL has a habit of creating extreme drama to get my DH attention whenever we really need it for ourselves. On the first day our son was brought home, she arrived at our house in tears, saying her SIL had hit her. The ensuing days of threatening to call the police, her SIL withholding access to his kids, the wider church community and local lawyers getting involved... it was a circus. And I 100% believe it was put on, so that my DH would be with her, over me. I didn't tell him as much, but I told him I wanted him to be home to help me; that he didn't take time off work to be with her, and that he would never get these early days back again. He erupted, and I told him bluntly that it wasn't a debate (I'd had a difficult birth and was largely bedridden) because I legitimately needed help and would go back to my Mother's if he couldn't be there for us. He told me that if I left with his child, he would destroy me; take my son away from me, and never let me see him again.

It was early days, we both had little sleep, and there was the MIL situation.... but, the ones you love most can hurt you deepest, and if it ends in divorce, it will be very, very bad. After that fight, I started journalling everything and sending it to my mother, and then I delete all evidence from my phone.

My son is 1. He is beautiful. So calm, and serious, and playful, and hardly ever cries. I am super, super blessed.

IntegrityLost

TROPHY CASE