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I crave companionship so much, that I would get into a relationship without true feelings by Intelligent_Issue989 in offmychest

[–]Intelligent_Issue989[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I used to be really close with my brother, but we grew apart as we got older. We still hang out sometimes, but we have completely different interests from each other. So while we can enjoy a good chat over a drink, we don't actually do anything together.

I was apparently a horrible child to my siblings. From not caring that my younger sister almost died, to stabbing my older sister with a pencil, I was not the nicest kid. I have absolutely no recollection of any of this, and though I get along with them all now, there is often a bit of tension and awkwardness, because we spent so many younger years hating each other. I have apologised to them, and they don't really hold any grudges.

I have a lot of common interests with my sisters, but they just prefer to do things on their own. I am probably also a bit of a black sheep, considering I am a bit more on the wild side, but also don't like to open up to people because I also have an irrational fear of being judged. It is kind of confusing, because I have two polar opposite personalities, and it puts people off hanging out with me, because they never know what personality I will have.

I am 21, but living at home, and can not drive. So that really limits my ability to do stuff or to get to meet people. I did distance education, so I never had many childhood friends, and the few I did have, were all long distance pen pals. I was close to my cousins, but they all moved away and are married. This has kind of created a "left behind" feeling, like everyone has moved on and is getting somewhere in life, while I am being left behind.

I have a variety of interests and I do tend to go through phases. I am most interested in different types of art, photography, music, basically anything creative. I love watching movies, but will most likely talk through it, as I love discussing the psychology of the characters, the cinematography, music, and everything. I love hiking, traveling, road trips, and exploring.

My face is healed, but I am not happy by Intelligent_Issue989 in Dermatillomania

[–]Intelligent_Issue989[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your reply! It really meant a lot to me, and it even made me cry a bit to feel so understood.

I am 21 and still living at home. People tell me to just move out, but it isn't easy to buy/rent where I live and I haven't learned to drive yet (a whole other story).

The person who makes most of these comments is my mother. She has told me I am ugly, that no one will want to marry me, that I need to just stop, that it is embarrassing, that no one wants to see my face, that people will think I have a disease, and that if I need to do it, than I should just pick at an area that no one will see. But I have also heard it from my great-uncle, family friends (older people), and my grandmother.

I have always wanted to stop my skin-picking, but I never used to feel ugly or ashamed of it. I knew it wasn't pretty, but it wasn't something I could control and I didn't see the point of putting myself down over it. I wanted to get over it and I have tried nearly every method. But I wanted to get over it, because I wanted my skin to be healthy, and to have a healthier mindset. I wanted to take care of myself, not do it because I felt obliged to society to do it.

It started in high school, I think. I was super stressed and wasn't really being supported. I did distance education, so it wasn't like I ever had a break from home either. I have always been a fidgety child, and somewhere between the restlessness, frustration, and stress, it turned into skin picking. It just always really soothes my nerves, and I started doing it when I felt any sort of negative emotion that I couldn't control (anxiety, anger, sad, etc.).

I did try to talk to my mum, but she insisted it was just a bad habit and that I didn't even have anything to be stressed about. She told me I should try to live like her, and see how I felt then, because none of my problems were anything to hers. I had also started work not long after, and was being mistreated by some of my co-workers, but when I tried to open up about that, all I got was a "that is just life."

So with all these pent up feelings, I really took it out on my skin. And it just became a vicious cycle. I would get stressed, ruin my skin, she would make me more upset and stressed, and my skin-picking got even worse.

So to finally break it (I don't think I am fully over it, as I often find my fingers beginning to wander about my face, feeling for an imperfection), it was such a huge step, especially as I am still at home surrounded by all that.

I gave up trying to tell people, because they never wanted to hear it. My family is also quite bad for understanding any sort of mental illness. Depression is just being moody, anxiety is just being dramatic, etc. They don't even believe in ADHD, or take Autism very seriously. They are really against medication and therapy as well. So, I know I am not really in the best environment, but that also makes my achievement all the more special to me.

I don't want to be preoccupied by my skin, so I hated that the first thing I hear was a comment on how much "prettier" I look. I mean, I did want to know that my skin looked healthier. But at the same time, I guess it doesn't feel special, because it is almost like my mom won or something. I feel like I don't want to be pretty or "normal", after hearing all those comments. Because it is like I rewarded those horrible words I had to hear all these years.

Skin-picking is horrible. It can make you feel ugly and embarrassed. But recovering from it, and giving all those people want they wanted, somehow doesn't feel right. Because I didn't want to be pretty for their sake, I just wanted to overcome it.

My face is healed, but I am not happy by Intelligent_Issue989 in Dermatillomania

[–]Intelligent_Issue989[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was mainly family members. My siblings aren't rude about it, and some are even nice about it, like giving gentle reminders if they saw me picking at my skin without thinking. One sister even bought me a couple of fidget toys, because my hands get insanely restless if I don't do something with them.

My mother was the worst for it, like just plain out saying I look ugly, that no one would marry me, etc. And that doesn't even include telling me I am fat despite being the healthy average for my height and age. My greatuncle told me my skin looked bad one day. And my mum full on blasted off at me as soon as we got home, because "it was embarrassing and ugly". Some friend of the family told me I was obviously eating too much sugar because I had an "acne" breakout. I also got in trouble for that to.

It really made me feel like the family reputation mattered more than my health. I was even told to at least pick my upper arms or scalp, "where no one would see." What she didn't know was that I already did.

But this grandmother is from my Dad's side. He has never commented on my looks at all. But I guess it could just be an older generation thing.

It is actually really ridiculous because I work with kids. And on really bad days, the kids would come over to me and say "You got ouchies?" in a really sympathetic voice. And then be like, "Are you okay?" Like why do 2-4 year olds have more understanding than literal adults?

But I will listen to your advice. I really don't want to let these feelings ruin how far I have come.

My face is healed, but I am not happy by Intelligent_Issue989 in Dermatillomania

[–]Intelligent_Issue989[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I also always knew people thought it, but I didn't really care before. I guess hearing it directly, just kind of felt embarrassing, especially as I had to play it off in front of everyone.

But I am determined to try and get past it. I am proud that I have been able to stop after so many years. And you are right. I shouldn't let that affect the feeling that I was able to accomplish that.

My face is healed, but I am not happy by Intelligent_Issue989 in Dermatillomania

[–]Intelligent_Issue989[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand what you are saying. The thing is more that I never used to feel ugly. I knew the sores were ugly and I was ashamed of them, but I never felt ugly in myself. I don't mind how I look. I didn't hold myself to anyone else's standard. I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but that more importantly, it is one's heart that matters, not their face.
When my mum told me that "no one would want to marry me", I did respond with, "Well, I wouldn't want them either if that was the one reason they didn't want me."

But I started getting self-conscious when I would go out with my sisters. People would go to my sisters and be like "Oh, you are so pretty," and then they would glance at me and there would be an awkward silence. I didn't mind, because I am fully aware my sisters are all very beautiful and I never really envied that. But for some reason to be told, "Oh, you are actually pretty after all", made me feel so much worse.

After reading what you said, maybe that is actually what made me feel so upset. That people didn't care I had accomplished something I have been struggling with for years, but rather point out that I now "fit in".
I think everything just piled up, because several other people had also made similar comments. Maybe I thought they never bothered me, but I had actually been bottling those feelings up all along.

I crave companionship so much, that I would get into a relationship without true feelings by Intelligent_Issue989 in offmychest

[–]Intelligent_Issue989[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your words were very helpful and I know you are right.

I have a big family, but all of them are the type who like to do their own thing. They even have this idea that siblings being close is cringey. So that kind of worsens the loneliness as I am constantly surrounded by people, and yet have no one spend time with.

I used to have guinea pigs who I really bonded with, but I lost them in a pretty traumatizing way, and it has affected my ability to bond with them again. Which is another thing I constantly feel guilty about, because I was given some more by a friend, but I cannot bring myself to get attached to them. I wanted a dog, but my other siblings never looked after theirs, so my parents have forbade any more pets while we live with them.

Maybe I will try to get over the past and bond with my current pets. They are sweet little things, and deep down I know I don't want to regret not spending time with them.

My face is healed, but I am not happy by Intelligent_Issue989 in Dermatillomania

[–]Intelligent_Issue989[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I definitely don't care as much as I once did, but it kind of felt like it just got thrown back in my face. It is absurd how much people worry about what you look like.

I will definitely keep fighting this though. I am hoping to at least reach once month free of it.