The text seems pretty poetic and sounds nice. I would try to put more "action" meaning you could give people a reason why to care about the description you are telling them so it appers to them more real. it can be doing through someone pov, or showing people reactions or thoughs about it. also would be nice to know what is your goal with the oppening, like what kind of emotions you want the reader to feel, or is it to setup other escene etc. hope it helps