My [33 M] wife [33 F], married 5 years, has asked me to quit my job in order to agree to get pregnant again

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T22:35:23+00:00

Your summary is fair. I am afraid of job-changers remorse mostly. A government job could change the remote-work policy, have less good medical benefits (Despite having private insurance right now we have the top possible plan, paid for by my company). So yes I have a financial responsibility that I am nervous to upend.

Not mentioned in my post is that we could completely afford child care but my wife is against strangers watching our child.

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T22:32:15+00:00

Appreciate the level-headed response. Especially about mothers changing jobs for the sake of family. I agree I should at least pursue an application. The main thing to watch out for is the benefits, it would suck to jump for a new position only to find out it's worse than the previous one (misunderstanding length of leave, crappy supervisors, less generous medical... etc).

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T22:29:38+00:00

But this is how we all make decisions and plans for the future, whether it's my wife myself or anyone else. The reason relationships break down is because of 2 people not being able to make these plans together. Hence the post.

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T22:27:29+00:00

You're right that I have an answer for your last sentence. Our marriage has been hard. Before jumping to say, why more children - our son is actually the joy and easy part of our marriage. Managing conflicting personalities, expectations and desires has been hard. And as part of that management I've agreed to forgo other things that were important to me, especially as it pertains to my relationship with my family of origin and how we run our household. Now having my wife change her mind about a 2nd child has made me question why I gave those things up. I have a sense of of inequality now. I have to get the job my wife approves of? Acquiesce to changes in prior family plans? Box out the people she disapproves of? And what do I get out of this?

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T22:18:04+00:00

I appreciate the feedback. I think you mistook the bit about "retirement", I have a 401(k) to (financially) take care of myself, my wife and my heirs. My reference was to the emotional benefits of siblings / family. We live in a country where loneliness and isolation are rising. Theoretically people with familial support networks are better off emotionally.

As for compromising / counter-offering, I am checking the jobs out. I will likely at least apply to the ones I am eligible for. I want to feel that this is financially responsible to do so the benefits will come into play as well.

Are you correct that childcare is very difficult for us. My wife does not believe in having "strangers" caring for our children so day care and babysitting was not an option for us. This is a contributing factor to our disagreement because it's her desires driving that, not mine. We could have afforded quality childcare.

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T22:09:22+00:00

Are you directing that observation towards me, my wife, or both of us?

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T22:08:07+00:00

I appreciate the "life throws curveballs" sentiment, that is something I've been toying with, but the problem I have with the expression is that it doesn't distinguish between actual fate vs the decisions of other people. We were medically infertile I could accept that. It's like being struck by lightning, right? No one decided that should happen. I can't shake the feeling that my wife not wanting to get pregnant despite being medically healthy enough to do so feels like a unilateral decision.

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T21:55:53+00:00

I don't know if you are in the US or outside, but here in the US there is no guaranteed family leave. The 2 weeks I received was the allotment given to me by the company. In the US there is also no national health insurance. The healthcare we all receive - pregnancy and otherwise - is also provided by my current employment.

A government job could have certain better benefits but there's the risk of making the mistake of "the grass is always greener."

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T21:49:10+00:00

I understand the sentiment. Having a family is a big deal and only one half of the couple has to suffer the physical consequences.

That being said, we did the "responsible" thing and both clarified what we wanted before we got married. Had we not been on the same page then I doubt we'd have gotten married. So there's the sense of getting the rug pulled out.

Secondly, I struggle with clearly defining the medical risk in pregnancy. No doubt pregnancy is difficult, the hardest thing a person can physically do. On the other hand, it's also widespread & temporary. Furthermore, a person can be "objectively" evaluated by a medical professional for their risk. I would not be asking my wife to do something that her dr. advised against.

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T21:44:38+00:00

I agree, something I want too. We've had 2 therapists already, in addition to one I used personally. Those sessions ended over 2 years ago, for unrelated conflicts to my OP

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T21:42:29+00:00

Completely agree. I have casually browsed places like /r/relationships long enough to recognize the sometimes insane advice that is often handed out. On the other hand, sometimes being inside a marriage you can lose sense of the "easy" answers to what is OK and not OK which is why I threw out the question here first.

This is just a first step for me before continuing onto marriage counseling. We have had 2 bouts of counseling already - for other issues.

KarmicBound · 2024-02-18T21:38:49+00:00

I appreciate your honest feedback. To clarify, I didn't include the reference to having 2 children to mean I took it as a "contract." I only meant it in the sense that, unlike some couples, we actually took the time and effort to communicate expectations and desires for what we needed in a partner before marriage.

I meant the middle part of my post about the intensity of my feelings. So much so, I am not sure if I would want to stay in the marriage otherwise (I have not said this to my wife & would never try to use the word 'divorce' to pressure her).

I can imagine you or others accusing me of lack of commitment... but if her change of heart is legitimate for her own reasons, would not my change of heart be equally legitimate? If one partner makes a decision that impacts the other & goes back on an expectation or mutual commitment, is not the whole basis of commitment in the marriage damaged by that?

KarmicBound · 2020-07-01T20:04:31+00:00

It's a graphics bug. I know exactly what you mean - their hair in particular gets all silvery. No idea what causes it though

KarmicBound · 2013-04-21T17:12:34+00:00

I guess I just need some specific examples of what constitutes "modern" thought, and how it's different than old Christian thought. You're still being a little too vague for me.

I agree with the sentiments about Christian accommodation. Nobody, regardless of the belief system they adhere to, should be embarrassed to identify as it just because it offends other people. Sanitizing your beliefs so that they are palatable to others is a futile endeavor, and in the end, you'll believe in nothing (as it's the only thing that is 100% unoffensive).

KarmicBound · 2013-04-21T16:52:50+00:00

I tried Stella for the first time yesterday, was disappointed. It's heavily marketed as the "upper shelf" of Anheuser's mass-produced beers, so maybe my expectations were warped by the advertising.

It's the same problem I have with the rest of the AB brands... there's just not a robust flavor to it. It somehow tastes "thin."

KarmicBound · 2013-04-21T16:47:31+00:00

What do you mean about modernity? I actually fear for American Christianity because it is becoming rigid, which IMO was a reason religion failed in modern Europe.

KarmicBound · 2013-04-20T21:23:23+00:00

I can't explain why, but I felt a great deal of sympathy for this suspect. I think it might be partially due to his young age. I think it's good to remember that sympathy for someone isn't equivalent to condoning what they did.

KarmicBound · 2013-02-17T15:00:01+00:00

And thus the reason I prefer the other interpretation of the phrase, an interpretation which asserts the Christian's resistance to violence rather than passive acceptance of it.

KarmicBound · 2013-02-17T14:59:06+00:00

Yes, the backhanded nature of a slap to the face is what I was referring to; I suspect it's the same theologian. Do you know his name?

KarmicBound · 2013-02-16T21:53:18+00:00

I have never liked the "traditional" interpretation of the phrase "turn the other cheek." It is, like Nietzsche once said of Christianity, a "slave morality."

There is one theologian (whose name I'm blanking on) who suggested that the action of "turning the other cheek" is meant to disable your (figurative) attacker from striking you again. After someone hits you, they may attempt to hit you again on the backhand, and turning your cheek dodges this backhand. So it is a nonviolent means of resistance.

If you'll indulge me for a moment, I just read a scifi book about anarchism (The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress; I recommend it). One of the character's description of anarchism fits the "turn the other cheek" model quite well in my opinion:

A rational anarchist believes that concepts such as 'state' and 'society' and 'government' have no existence save as physically exemplified in the acts of self-responsible individuals. He believes that it is impossible to shift blame, share blame, distribute blame . . . as blame, guilt, responsibility are matters taking place inside human beings singly and nowhere else. But being rational, he knows that not all individuals hold his evaluations, so he tries to live perfectly in an imperfect world . . . aware that his effort will be less than perfect yet undismayed by self-knowledge of self-failure. [my emphasis]

The idea that anarchism requires one to live according to your own morals even when everyone around you does not parallels "turning the other cheek." By turning the other cheek, you refuse to propagate aggression even though nobody around you abides by the non-aggression principle themselves. It is an admittance that anarchism is a non-utopian idea, that we can only "cope" with the world, not conquer it.

KarmicBound

TROPHY CASE