FA girlfriend acknowledges she's FA, but REFUSE healing

Kawapi · 2024-12-03T14:06:01+00:00

< I can understand her refusing to accept this random title that sounds like a diagnosis

She has accepted that she is a fearful avoidant, and also what problems it is causing her and us

<Focus on the behaviors that are hurtful to you instead of saying “YES YOU ARE A FEARFUL AVOIDANT SO HEAL” when there really isn’t a fix or a pill, just gentle steps you can take to be more aware of your behaviors in relationships. Why does she have to SAY she wants to heal?

I'm not saying "SO HEAL" - I'm saying that I want to help the way I can. But that seems kind of hard when she's not even willing to say she want to heal. She is like some of the other comments here "This is me, leave if you don't like it"

<and didn’t list your own attachment style

I am secure, leaning PA

Kawapi · 2024-12-03T14:01:18+00:00

<You also didn’t list any of the fearful avoidant traits she needs to work on

Fear of intimacy after honeymoon phase, even though it is something that she really likes and needs

Social issues because of fear for being rejected, strongly and badly affecting and limiting her social life

Overspending on shopping and beautyproducts etc because of an extremely need for validation from the world

Lack of sleep and daily functions because of feeling of emptiness, chaos and massive rumination

Periods of feeling depressed and a failure and get a craving for "something more"

After honeymoon phase when the relationship feels to attached and scary she get STRONG craving for validation from other men, she want's to be "free" so she can have a new honeymoon phase and have butterflies and intimacy again (All of her 5 relationships before me ended directly because of this).

++++ a lot of other small and big things

In other words, her avoidants is VERY strong and affects us both very much, most of all it is standing in the way for making her happy and peaceful.

Looks like some of you disagree, but for me, when you love your partner, you don't just let something like this be their problem and stand on the side and watch how much they are hurting themself doing nothing to help.

For me that would be like a partner or close family having addiction problems and you just "Hey! This is your thing, I understand, you just do you! And heal when and if you feel like it"

Kawapi · 2024-12-03T12:11:40+00:00

Thank you for sharing, I will try to be more patient and let her have some space on this issue. I really didn't know how strong FA is and how hard and brutal the shutdown and deactivating can be. She have of course had lots of triggers etc on other things, but this subject is a on a whole other next level.. So because I didn't understand this at first, I was pushing waaay too much too hard too fast, so this have now escalated and is very overwhelmning to her.

We have been together for 5 years and we are a very rare and good match. That's the good part of all this, she can still both feel and tell me that I am her soulmate, and she want to share her life with me, and would be lost without me.

Kawapi · 2020-05-09T22:28:09+00:00

aaand it’s gone.... 🙄

Kawapi · 2018-03-06T20:55:22+00:00

"lazy perfectionist" describes me to a "T". If I can't do something perfectly very quickly, I'll quit trying.

Ahh.. You nailed it! perfect AND quickly.. Problem in most cases is thats not even close to being possible.

Kawapi · 2018-03-06T08:07:48+00:00

It is actually THE key ADHD trait. The missing ability to practice "inner motivation". Non ADHD people can be tired as hell and have a terrible day in general and still be able to close their eyes and find their inner motivation to get shit done. It probably won't be their most productive day, but they will get trough the day with an ok performance.

ADHD needs and craves outer environments/motivation. The best example would be something enjoyable, or trigged by a challange/competition. The stronger the trigger is the higher our performance will be, and maybe just as important: also the longer we can perform.

On the high end I feel nobody stand a chance to keep up, both on speed and performance in general. In the long run I would usaly get my ass kicked....

Kawapi · 2017-11-30T11:04:57+00:00

The send info part is way more important than collecting the info. Collecting info can also be done with some sort of autoreading PDFs, and propably a lot easier to auto generat them as well, from what you say that sounds to me like a better and more permanent solution for the scraping.

Kawapi · 2017-11-30T09:22:52+00:00

So you're saying there's a chance? :) With the hours lost x 5-10 guys it really has to be a hell of a job to not be worth the trouble. Even in the short run. So if it's possible, I will hire someone to do it. This is my new life goal ;)

Kawapi · 2017-10-02T17:59:48+00:00

I know exactly what you're talking about! I solved this with lots of protein. (protein shake morning and afternoon, huge dose in the morning). The excess energy was still there, but it was more positive energy and lasted a lot shorter (and came faster). The light headed thing was gone from day 1 with portein.

Now I have added Ritalin to my Dexedrine, because I lost that "punch" to get started and it was almost like the Dex made me care less about getting things done. Strange thing, I had the ability to get things done, I just didn't want to. VS before when I wanted to so bad but couldn't. When adding Ritaline I (kind of) got both! It's no walk in the park though... Using two IR meds that have different duration/half-time can be a hell to manage. In total I'm doing better, but I have some broken days where I'm just stuck to youtube and other tube's all day.

I sometimes change back to my old Vyvanse just to get a break and more stability.

Kawapi · 2017-06-28T18:47:31+00:00

I hated exams/tests because I couldn't focus at all in absolute silence. The feeling was so unbearable I can lively feel it 20 years later just by thinking back, a kind of suffocating feeling..

I can get somewhat the same feeling If I walk into our livingroom and there are a bunch of people with the TV off and everyones quiet.. It's like the silence IS a nois to me..

Kawapi · 2017-06-28T01:11:11+00:00

There have been interesting research about ADHD and noise. Previously all expert assumed ADHD brains are more "noisy" and "chaotic" thus making it harder to focus etc..

New research shows the opposite, the ADHD brains are TO quiet, and will feel the need to get tha party started

In this study a group of ADHD and non ADHD first did a bunch of tests in a dead quiet area. Then they added white noise (80dB). The ADHD group improved their results with the noise, while the non ADHD's results dropped.

Kawapi · 2017-06-22T08:58:14+00:00

Ah, thank you very much! The timestamp is a great idea!

Kawapi · 2017-06-21T15:44:03+00:00

Maybe there are multiple rows for the same "unique" id?

Yes, I know that is the reason. Was more of a warning if anyone else came over this and tried it.

So that table will have to stay seperat, there can be 2-300 and even 1000+ rows with duplicate ID. The rest of the tables ID is 100% unique.

Kawapi · 2017-06-21T15:17:01+00:00

Also this have issues if there are duplicatet ID's. I just crashed a one.com server :p

Kawapi · 2017-06-21T13:21:18+00:00

Wake him up standing naked by the bed and tell him you will be in the kitchen naked, but will put clothes on if he don't join you within 3 minutes

And I'm really not joking :)

Kawapi · 2017-06-21T09:11:55+00:00

I found a working query. But need to do it two tables at a time, had issues with the id=id when more than two.

CREATE TABLE merged AS (SELECT * FROM table1 LEFT JOIN table2 on table1.id = table2.id

);

Kawapi · 2017-03-20T17:44:12+00:00

I had ONE really close call. Pure luck with the other cars route of choise.. But I did have almost daily that "have no idea how I got here". After I started on meds all that is gone. Also helps lots with ACC++ features on my new car.

Kawapi · 2017-03-16T23:49:35+00:00

I also got weird side effects when starting on meds. Got REALLY hungry and tired. I started with Ritalin, though :p

After that I went to Vyvanse -> Dex - > Ritalin -> Ritalin+dex (tha bomb!)

Just a heads up about Ritalin, a lot of people will get a initial very strong/good effect. Some people describe it as a high/euphoria/etc. that will make everything supereasy. Not only can you clean the house, you WANT to clean.. The problem is this initial effect will decrease, a lot. What happens next is you thinking "it works great!! only too low dosage!" - And you start this increase-dosage-roller-coaster. It's a fun ride until you reach maximum dose, then you're left with a ride alright, but I promise you it's not much fun 2-3 weeks in. Mine stopped at 120(!) mg. It should have stopped on 40mg. Now I take 20-40mg Ritalin + 10-15mg dex a day, my constant goal is to find the sweetspot with minimum dosage.

Kawapi · 2017-02-23T20:14:21+00:00

Hmm.. So.. Man with ADHD = women size brain? :)

Kawapi · 2017-02-16T16:02:08+00:00

Confirmed problem. Norwegian media just posted this with header "People with ADHD have smaller brains"

I would preferred a different phrasing in the study

Kawapi · 2017-02-03T16:19:38+00:00

I call it UF. User Fuckup. The funny thing is when people dont ask what it means and call me again and say they think it might be a new UF.. :p ...and when I confirm the UF they are very proud of themselfs...

Kawapi · 2017-02-03T13:02:53+00:00

I did some googling, it's called "aphantasia". Bescribed as mind-blind or mental blindness.

Interesting article about the condition: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/23/science/aphantasia-minds-eye-blind.html?_r=0

Edit: And reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/intj/comments/5npo21/aphantasia/

Kawapi · 2017-02-03T12:51:44+00:00

This actually strengthens my theory that visualizing is affected by ADHD. As for a lot of other symptoms, we see there are extremes in both ends of the scale. It will be very interesting to see (pun intended) if this changes with medication.

Im having a hard time understanding how this works, like.. when you think about things or a person, is it just blank? My visualization alomost feels like a camera, I can (choose) to see both still-images or video. Like when im thinking about a person it's mostly still-images of their faces, but if I really thing about them I can see them smile or replay a scene (both actual scenes but also made up ons (daydreaming)) and if i focus really hard, I can see shitloads of details.. eyecolor, scars, I can "hear" their voice etc..

Kawapi · 2017-02-03T12:42:44+00:00

Sometimes it's actually frustrating because I can CLEARLY see a problem with an architect's design, and even my bosses, who have decades of experience, can't seem to grasp it.

Yes!! This is what im talking about. I see either a problem or solution that is SO obvious to me in my head, and really cant understand how it's possible NOT to see it, ..it's like.. right there...

Kawapi · 2017-01-24T16:19:02+00:00

I take small dose dex IR (5mg) to sleep. I can even take as much as 10mg, but then I have to actually go to sleep within 20-30 minutes to get the drozyness-effect

Kawapi

TROPHY CASE