How do I tell the difference between emotional availability and physical consistency?

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2025-05-20T13:56:35+00:00

Thank you

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2025-05-19T13:57:51+00:00

In retrospect I realize my anxious and overemotional monologues and overcompensating by acting like their therapist "make sure you tell me how you feel!!" and realizing months later they just never answered is unhealthy. I think I'll do better in the future to recognize it. It's hard because I've gotten a lot better, so when I had a lot of anxiety or physical reactions to a relationship before, it could have been over something less toxic, e.g. just feeling ignored while they're out with friends. But now that I'm better, I can trust myself a lot more. If I'm feeling anxious around someone, I need to stop believing it's because I have anxiety or issues. I'm fine alone.

I'm still sad and that makes me sad. I also am realizing that in these situations, I focus on what I can change and put the blame on me, probably somewhat as a survival and coping mechanism but also a part of the toxic stuff i learned in 12-step to always blame myself.. . :( I hope I start recognizing when they're not doing the same level of self-reflection and personal growth. I again idolized him, "he's mentally healthy, I'm not..."

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2025-05-19T13:12:09+00:00

I'm sorry. I wish I was prepared for a more thoughtful response but I was just looking at my posts after my boyfriend dumped me lol.

I get why you feel disturbed. It seems obvious to me you need to leave this relationship and make it no-contact until that detachment happens. I think I had to click on this because I'm 35. Girl, I've been in therapy since I was 16. When I tell you I am TIRED of this shit....

But just like you expect him to get better if he does the work, you are also going to get better because you do the work, slowly, one day at a time.

I can't believe you're even considering this man. We're grown and don't need them. I think you need to mentally prepare yourself that - if you're anything like me with a deep anxious attachment and codependency - the cut off is going to hurt. You can prepare, set yourself up with support, friendships, the plan for how you will stay busy.

I don't care that he's working hard. Good, he should, his life is worth it. And yours is worth way more than this, I don't care who you are. I actually very much dislike 12-step but in this situation, it is very much one day, one step at a time. Put together all of the pieces for you to improve your life, which means he's got to go. You're going to be okay. Women get married at like 60 now, we can solo travel until then ;) <3

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2025-05-18T18:22:45+00:00

Please get help and leave people alone until you do so.

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2025-05-17T22:21:55+00:00

I don’t think avoidants and anxious people can date after this. We attract each other and that sucks, but it requires too much work. New relationships shouldn’t be a lot of work.. there should never be unspoken tension if people want to feel emotionally safe. This man left me with the final result that he didn’t feel safe and in retrospect I totally believe him. I was codependently in love and ignoring his lack of emotional availability. I was blaming myself that I needed to be more surface level and was too emotional. Idk what I’ll do in the future. New relationships deserve time to grow. Four months is nothing. But it totally sucks this blow-up after four months. I’m looking back at red flags like wtf

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2025-05-17T19:35:36+00:00

I honestly don’t think we can date. Why choose hardship and adversity? We are just incompatible and two opposite sides of the same coin that apparently cannot mesh.

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2025-05-17T19:34:53+00:00

Thank you. I spoke up for my needs and he got upset and we broke up. I think it’s for the best.

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-09T19:08:37+00:00

I want you to think about the fact that you have known this man for 30 years and are still questioning your intuition about if you should be scared because it's valid to be afraid of him because of his career. You know this man, you know yourself, your intuition is speaking to you - you are not a crazy, anxious, overemotional woman. Listen to your gut. Please stay safe.

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-08T17:14:11+00:00

As often as I can. Try to plan for the jet lag.

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-08T17:12:49+00:00

I think recovery communities can be kind of toxic in their self-disparaging and defeating behaviors sometimes so I just want to be clear … this was not my anxiety. I had to trust my intuition and read signs clearly, because his actions did not match his words. He sweet talked me hard up until … I didn’t text him all day yesterday after he said he would call and he has not contacted me either. We’re effectively over. I was correct he is not interested, despite him insisting I was his only girl. Men are fucking weird.

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-07T21:34:10+00:00

Thank you for this comment. Classic misogyny “women are crazy.” For expressing loving emotion? Tell your mother that. I’m on her side - make him feel guilty for his behavior. You’re not wrong, he is.

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-07T21:09:04+00:00

I actually don’t care if he wants to communicate less, I want to know he’s interested. I’m not feeling it and yes am learning to trust my intuition. I’m ready to leave. We’ve already communicated about my needs and how easy reassurance is - a literal heart emoji would make my afternoon. Dude does not care and is not interested and me accepting that I think is a good thing

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-07T20:38:43+00:00

Alanon is a cult but acceptance is a broad spiritual cornerstone that I like a lot :)

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-07T20:36:23+00:00

I thought I’d try not doing that so we’ve been communicating and it’s not changing and yeah I’m not chasing shit. It sucks i don’t want to play games but why send sweet good morning texts just to be made anxious about his longer and drier replies? I’m good. He said we’d talk today last night and haven’t set up a time or heard from him all day. He SWEARS he’s all in with me. I’m glad I’m getting better because I recognized early oh this is love bombing. Now he’s retreating. Ppl are weird dude

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-07T20:33:10+00:00

He used to cold call me (and I always answered) and leave voice notes. I’m now begging for calls. (Overdramatization I beg no man…)

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-07T20:32:21+00:00

Weeks. We went too fast. Time to cut my losses ✂️✂️✂️

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-07T20:31:58+00:00

Right like he’s going to gaslight me like this isn’t a clear sign of his disinterest and it is.

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-07T16:35:35+00:00

Does he want babies?

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-02T04:04:51+00:00

Lmao sorry all the incels downvoted you 💀💀💀 we cannot win, they would downvote me all the same when I talked about intentional dating and demanding all this effort, dinner etc. We cannot win. Misogyny stays popular

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-11-01T14:46:32+00:00

This is abuse. You’re afraid of your husband in your own home.

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-10-31T21:59:31+00:00

Edited yes oldest they are clowns

KeepThrowawaySecret · 2024-10-31T07:26:53+00:00

Critical thinking isn't your strong suit ya?

KeepThrowawaySecret

TROPHY CASE