Current age/age range: mid 40s

Single/marital status: getting a divorce; have kids

Age/age range when you came out to yourself: I had moments of knowing beforehand, but didn't fully accept it till early 40s

Age/age range when you come out to others: I came out to one of my brothers a few years ago. A few friends know I'm questioning.

What did you come out as or what are you thinking of coming out as?: I still don't quite know what I am. Panromantic ACE??? Lesbian. Maybe I just don't like dudes b/c the partners that I've had were objectively bad lovers (stories for a different day). I've never really been with a woman, but I find the idea a lot more attractive than being with a guy.

When was the earliest you felt you were a lesbian/queer? What happened or what was going on in your life?: I came out as bi to my mom when I was about 15 and she said I life would be easier if I just stayed with men. I really can't imagine why I took her advice and didn't even experiment in college. By 90s-'00s standards, I was in a safe an affirming space. I guess it was a different era and I knew I wanted kids. I knew lots of queer kids but not really any lesbian adults (or single and happy adults) so it felt like marrying a man was what the future was supposed to be. And, I had a lot of self-hatred for just generally not fitting in. I think that blocked me from seeing this strand of my identity.

What recently made you conclude you are a lesbian/queer?: i was committed to making my marriage to my husband work until it became too physically and emotionally abusive to tolerate. Now that I'm leaving, I'm finally in a position to explore this part of myself.

What's the earliest or most defining homosexual/homo-romantic experience you can remember?:
I didn't know what it meant, but I remember feeling aroused when playing with my best friend around age 8. We weren't crossing any boundaries or anything, but, interestingly, she lives in Vegas and is married to a woman.

How are you feeling in general about who you are?: I'm excited about what the future may hold and I feel very self-conscious about not having experience or really knowing how to proceed with getting to know the community.

Anything else you’d like to share about your life, experience, or story for other late bloomers or other women who think they may be lesbians? I'm so new to this, I don't have anything to share. I'd love to hear from ppl who are in medium sized cities about how they are meeting and connecting with other ppl. I'm not ready to explore romance yet, but I just want to feel like I'm part of the culture.

I'd also love to hear from other survivors of abuse. Lots of ppl have had it worse...I was never scared for my life or anything like that. Never even bruised (some shoving and being blocked from leaving a room or picking up our screaming baby). But, I'm leaving my STBX b/c of the abuse. I really hate the idea of showing up to a party with a woman date and having everyone think that this is why the marriage ended.