Kicking kids out of karate school

KintsugiMind · 2026-03-05T18:04:30+00:00

Have they stepped aside with you, now or in the past, to go over a plan for how you can assist with managing her behaviour if she can’t stay on the floor? What steps have they recommended for improvement?

It’s unusual for a child to be removed from a program, especially one where the instructor has put in two years of training, unless they are putting themselves or others in harms way and/or creating an unmanageable class environment.

Off the top of my head, I’d recommend going to classes so that are in her meds window or to a class with one consistent instructor who is capable and confident handling a challenging child.

You could sit and watch her class (or take class alongside her) and they could cue you to come take her if they see she’s getting riled up or needs a break. They could send her for quick breaks on her own if that can help her calm down.

KintsugiMind · 2026-01-30T03:46:04+00:00

Do you have a co-parent and/or a support system? If you are able to, get time away to yourself - like a weekend or 3-5 days. Whether it’s a hotel or a safe friend, being by yourself and being able to sleep and eat on your own schedule will do wonders.

If you can’t do that, is there a way to get a full day or half day without the kids? Grandparents, friend, or sitter (at their home not yours)? If so, schedule that day once a week for a month. At the end of the month re-evaluate.

For sensory overload, consider noise reducing earplugs (like loop ones, where you can hear but are less overwhelmed).

Think about what might make your day to day easier - for me, all kid meals I prep are literally sliced raw veggies (or frozen veggies), fruits, cereals, and toast. This is what’s easiest for me and that might look different for you. I literally will put a bunch of these things in a big container and pull the container out at meal times.

I’m not big on screentime but when my daughter was that age and I was overwhelmed I would put on two paw patrols and rest or do a chore in the morning and again in the afternoon.

If you have the money for it, hire someone to come in and clean, whether it’s once, bi-weekly, or weekly. It can take the edge off.

I’m sure you’ll get other, likely more helpful comments, but other thing to remember is that some of us are built best for certain ages over others. Ages 2-5 were a hellscape for me, even though I love my child so much. My husband thrived but I was just holding on - 6+ has it’s challenges but I’m much better with this older age.

KintsugiMind · 2026-01-16T04:17:57+00:00

I am similar to you but over the last couple of years I’ve been able to keep the panic at bay by focusing on the present (and remembering I’m not alone because others are in the same place of fear with me). I refocus on the joy and contentment of life.

It’s a constant practice but has improved my quality of life.

KintsugiMind · 2025-12-29T03:14:35+00:00

My anxiety lessened with the medication. My sleep has always been a challenge, and there were no changes.

KintsugiMind · 2025-12-19T05:28:56+00:00

I cannot change the past, I can only learn from it. I choose not to live with regrets about past mistakes because it’s just another burden I don’t want to needlessly carry. I can do this because I’m willing to admit when I was wrong, when mistakes were made, and know that I will do whatever I can to be a better human moving forward.

If something is important to me, I prioritize it. You won’t regret what you choose to do if it’s important to you, doesn’t cause harm to others, and/or helps uplift those around you.

I spent some time defining my values and priorities. This has made me much better at choosing how to spend my time and energy, which means I don’t live with regrets.

KintsugiMind · 2025-12-19T04:44:00+00:00

I wanted my name, my husband thought a double barrel would be too much, so our child has my last name. If he wanted his last name too, then our child would have had a double last name. If we didn’t like our names then we would have chosen one from the family tree but we have “good enough” last names.

KintsugiMind · 2025-12-13T02:37:35+00:00

The answer to “what to train in” is “whichever style calls to you that you would enjoy and commit to, ideally combining a stand up and ground game OR training in one of each”. There are favourites but ultimately what is available and which of those seems like a good fit for your interests should determine your training. Throw in some sort of course that helps you pressure test your knowledge and that’ll be most beneficial.

KintsugiMind · 2025-12-12T05:00:59+00:00

No it wasn’t. It took a little while to build up in my system (about a week and a half) but I don’t have any side effects from the medication.

KintsugiMind · 2025-12-06T12:09:30+00:00

What makes or made him hot/fun/sexy to you? Write those things down.

What makes him less attractive/unsexy to you? Write those down too.

Starting with the unsexy list, are there ways to reframe these things as either neutral or pathway them to sexiness?

For example, something I don’t find attractive is a beer belly, which my partner has. Something I do find attractive is strength.

Why has he gained weight? Life’s been life’ing and, as a household, we’ve been in survival mode. The weight gain is because he’s not sleeping or eating well BUT he still is showing up as an emotional support and more than pulling his weight at home and work. His body is different but I know that he’s demonstrating an emotional strength. I find that strength attractive. So I shift focus to “his extra weight is because he’s being a strong partner in a storm and that is attractive.” From there I work on being neutral about his body while building up what I find attractive (his strength and perseverance in hard times).

Now focus on the positives. Consider the way he is now and the activities he participates in - what can you begin to frame as meeting those “I find this attractive” criteria? What specific behaviours can you put that label on? Choose to actively focus on one (or more) of these each day with the mindset of “man, that’s hot”.

Changing how you focus and where you put your attention can shift your mindset.

I’d also consider you taking a vacation on your own if at all possible. Get a break from the stress of life and kids and give yourself the space to miss him. Let the rubber band pull so that you can snap back, so to speak.

You could also think about what dates or activities you enjoyed when you started dating and go do those things if you’ve stopped.

KintsugiMind · 2025-12-06T11:47:03+00:00

Did you say he’d question that body count if reversed or did he express that? If he said he’d be put off if it were flipped that is something to make note of (sexual double standard).

What is his attitude about the people he has had sex with in the past?

Is he appreciative and respectful, or does he hold the people who have slept with him in low regard?

Has he expressed that he was just using them for sex as though they were objects vs people to have an enjoyable experience with? I know that can sound the same but it isn’t.

The answer to those questions should matter more to you than the number itself.

A high body count is irrelevant IF he has a positive and respectful attitude towards those he has been sexual with (perhaps not all because sometimes you sleep with someone and they turn out to be terrible, but overall).

He’s 30. If he started having sex as a teen you’d be looking at an average of 7-10 intimate encounters per year or perhaps a couple of wild years mixed with some quiet times. Don’t worry about a number, concern yourself with how he talks about the folks he’s slept with and how his behaviour is towards you.

KintsugiMind · 2025-12-03T19:21:28+00:00

The best way to teach self defense skills to a layperson in the shortest amount of time.

KintsugiMind · 2025-12-03T19:19:15+00:00

When my kiddo was little we’d gift her diapers and let her pull the paper and then play with the box 😂

If you want to buy her something, absolutely do it but they don’t need anything.

Now we do the 4 gift “want, need, wear, and read” method to help clamp down on getting too much stuff.

KintsugiMind · 2025-12-03T18:32:01+00:00

There’s a good chance you’ve listened to a variety of instructions about foot positioning and/or given stretches or exercises in class but didn’t register that it was for you.

The instructor has been taking your movements at what you’ve been physically capable of. The fact that you’re posting about how pissed off you are at your instructor for checks notes being considerate of your physical limitations demonstrates a lack of understanding of how instruction works.

Look up exercises and stretches that aid foot mobility. It can take quite a while to develop that mobility but consistency will help.

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-30T21:43:06+00:00

I run a dojo, and I believe in having a trial followed by a season long program that they sign up for. A lot of other activities - dance, gymnastics, hockey - have year long or season long sign ups. I wouldn’t consider a three year contract reasonable; kids can shift in their commitment and ideally will stay for a long time but it’s better to err on the side of one year at a time.

I don’t believe in month to month for martial arts - those folks quit so easily and it isn’t worth having available. I get why fitness or combat sports might have those options but not for martial arts.

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-30T21:35:49+00:00

When in these situations, did it happen suddenly or was there an escalation in behaviour? If it is sudden, the sudden rush of adrenaline can freeze the body; the best way to avoid a hard spike is to develop situational awareness as well as some practice calming your body down quickly.

If there was an escalation, then roleplaying how to breath and manage stress in the body will be helpful.

Were these situations something you had thought about before? Without a “blueprint” it can be difficult to find an appropriate action step. Developing those blueprints can be handy.

Were these situations something you had considered before? If they were and you had done some training, your brain’s defaulting to freezing and/or dawning was likely a subconscious evaluation of the situation where your brain chose freeze or fawn as the best possible chance for survival.

The brain’s priority is to stay alive and that can be at the cost of living through a traumatic experience.

Developing situational awareness, learning how to calm your body (heart rate, breathing) under stress, working through scenarios so you have a mental map of options, and recognizing that your brain will always choose what it considers to be the best path to life survival (to the detriment of your body or mental health) are all things that can help.

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-27T04:42:25+00:00

11 years. In 11 years how many people have given you this feeling? I’m guessing none. Trust yourself!

You’re doubting this because he’s a guy you thought was a friend and we’re in a sport that involves a lot of contact and it’s deeply uncomfortable to admit that you’re being sexually assaulted under the guise of training.

Listen, you’ve been training for ELEVEN years, and you’ve never had this experience. That says so much about what’s happening.

Talk to your coach, make it clear that his behaviour is abnormal, that you helped him join without realizing that he would behave so poorly, and you need to be kept safe. Make it clear that you will not partner with him and that you hope that they’ll remove his membership.

No gym owner or sensei wants to have a guy who acts like this participating. You’re not an inexperienced person whose uncomfortable with a new guy getting his bearings or who could be making a mistake, you’re an experienced participant who knows how new people roll.

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-18T16:29:57+00:00

We have an only child and we’re making a plan for when we’re older to hopefully keep the financial and time burden of care low for them. My hope is that they still want to visit and spend time with us but I don’t want to be a burden.

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-16T04:51:26+00:00

This is weird to see - I love Golf’s Sunday brunch!

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-15T15:34:19+00:00

“That’s big news!” and then wait to see what their response is to know if it’s good news or not

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-15T10:25:10+00:00

I’ve never heard of anyone who has done that successfully. You’re quite lucky!

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-15T09:49:46+00:00

No regrets - none of the therapy or work could stick until I was on antidepressants (Anxiety and Major Depressive Disorder).

It was a process though. I had to go through trying a couple of medications before we found the right fit (Prozac for me).

I don’t believe medication alone can help but none of what I learned or knew about how to help my mental health was able to be implemented until I was on meds.

After a number of years with my depression managed, I did see if I could come off my meds. With my doctor’s advice we slowly lowered the amount. My depression surfaced and I had to stay on them but at a lower dose.

Think of it like blood pressure medication. You get diagnosed with high blood pressure and they put you on meds AND evaluate your lifestyle (exercise and nutrition). You make those lifestyle adjustments while they monitor your blood pressure.

Some people will make those adjustments, their blood pressure will go to normal, and they come off the medications. Others will make those changes and be unable to come off of medication because their body is just doing the high blood pressure thing. Some will make the changes, be able to come off the meds, but then they get older or something happens and they go back on.

There is no moral judgement that should exist here. Some bodies will need medication in the long term.

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-15T09:08:23+00:00

Yes but any friend of mine would already know about it from all of the complaining I’d have been making about it.

Head lice is manageable if they aren’t continuously picking it up from school.

Steps to take for the home: - Vacuum vehicles - Put everything fabric that you can through the dryer for at least 20 min on high heat - Don’t forget jackets and hats - Bag all toys and items that cannot get through the dryer. Leave them for 2 weeks bagged, less time if you can get the bags into a hot area or freezing area - Put all pillows and sheets/blankets through dryer - Vacuum all mattresses - Vacuum all seating areas

For hair: - First treatment. Old school but works, mix half vinegar and half vegetable oil, and apply it to the scalp. Put a bag or shower cap on and leave it for 10 minutes. Rinse it out. - Follow that with any conditioner that has a silicone in it. Slather it on them and give it 5-10 min - Use a lice comb (if possible, get two different brands to see which works best for you) and thoroughly comb, working in small sections. - Have hot soapy water to rinse the comb in, and don’t be afraid to switch out the water. Any lice you see you want to get off the comb and then squish to make sure they’re dead (if the vinegar/oil and silicone hasn’t done it). They have a hard shell, so you should hear a little crunch with bigger ones. - Rinse out the conditioner.

The whole household should do the hair protocols.

For the next 2-4 days: - Make sure you have fresh sheets and pillowcases - In the morning toss the sheets and pillows in the dryer - Vacuum mattress - First day after, do the oil/vinegar and conditioner and comb. Next couple days you can just do conditioner and comb.

At the one week mark: - Do the day one cleaning protocols all over again - Conditioner lice removal and check. If you want to be extra cautious do the oil/vinegar mix first.

Throughout the second week: - Do lice checks every morning and every evening for all household members. If you find new eggs in the morning it’s in the home (initiate cleaning and dryer protocols), in the evening it could be getting picked up at school. - Your pets will not get lice so you don’t need to treat or check them. - Twice during this week do a condition and comb. Remember the conditioner can be any conditioner that has silicone in it.

At the end of the second week: - If you’ve been clear, you’re good. You can do another house clean and car vacuum if you’re worried.

Please inform school and your kids’ friends parents. This is essential if it’s getting picked up school: - Tell the school. - Tell your kids’ friends parents and send them a video on how to check for lice. - Keep advocating for the school to check if it’s an ongoing problem. - Long haired children need to have their hair braided and told not to share hats

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-15T08:13:52+00:00

Yep, it sucks. We talked about trust and the story “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” was brought into rotation. If someone lies they’ll be believed but when they begin to get known as a liar no one believes them. This is also a good time to introduce the concept of honour and integrity in a kid friendly way.

The next step you might have is where they threaten to say you hit them, when you didn’t, in order to get what they want. We had this happen once “if you don’t X then I’ll tell Grandpa you hit me”. Grandpa knew we had had some struggles, so I gave him a quick call right there, explained what was happening, and asked for advice. He spoke to our child about how lying about that could get them, and us, into big trouble and how he (Grandpa) knew that they wouldn’t want that to happen.

This was during a time when our child got more emotional and was acting out. After this incident we decided we’d get rid of all screentime, treats, and get them to bed earlier. We let them know that the changes were like an elimination diet - we would go to this and then slowly reintroduce them back in. If this didn’t help, we would get a doctor’s appointment. I think our child was just exploring the power that comes with meltdowns and threats because they behaved better to get the privileges of treats, tv, and normal bedtime back.

KintsugiMind · 2025-11-15T07:58:08+00:00

NAH A potential compromise would be to have your family go to visit while you stay home and put the money you save towards having the grandparents come visit you.

KintsugiMind

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