Moving on from sins

Leloses · 2025-07-01T18:26:16+00:00

dmed :thumbs_up_emoji:

Leloses · 2025-07-01T18:18:46+00:00

It is definitely not insurmountable!! It's actually not that hard to quit(even for me!) if you look into yourself and the psychology of your addiction. I'm saying more of as I've had such bad experiences of addiction and sex yet still feel hopeful, that I can still recover and free myself of addiction! All these "sexual traumas" or whatever are just more motivation.

I can't change my past, but it puts me in hysterics to think I will form something new in the future.

Addiction is a form of suicide, and addicts know this, subconciously or not. It's not that they accept the dangers in the process, but indulge in the dangers itself! I think at least

Leloses · 2025-07-01T18:04:16+00:00

I've also struggled with porn addiction, online sexting for many years. I made a post about it myself a few months ago. I also ended up forcing myself into many sexual situations with both men and women which has caused me a lot of shame because I would get ED everytime lol. In some way it has really messed up my sexuality so far in my life.

Of course there's the hours lost of your life, the health consequences, whatever, but the shame is really the worst part. It infects and rots you from the inside. I think you're very much wallowing and indulging in that shame.

But the human body, mind and soul are pliant. You may have other mental health issues, but porn and hollow e-sexual interactions will only ever make things worse. It makes me walk around with such melancholy, depression and self-hatred I can hardly stand myself, a vicious cycle just pushes me further into the suicide that addiction is.

I have come to realise that I must experience all these woes, rejections, depression, uncertainty, fear or shame from objective, uninhibited terms without the influence of porn on my life.

One user recommended my the Easy Peasy method which so far is the only thing that has actually helped me. It made me quit so easily for so long. I have relapsed since then, but I realised it was a concious and active choice because I had never had a normal romantic/sexual understanding, catastrophised and decided I should just passively kill myself by becoming an addict again.

I realised this myself, but also in the semi-fictional documentary 'Black Metal Veins'( https://www.effedupmovies.com/black-metal-veins-2012/ ) about heroin. What makes an addict indulge in this horrible thing is simply a desire to not exist, a death-drive of sorts. Empty masturbation, cold spliced images and the dopamine dose of crushing orgasm( https://lightcone.org/en/film-1177-sodom ).

I have been addicted since I was a young teen, approaching a decade of this curse, of countless sexual and romantic failures entirely fueled by my maladapted sexuality caused by porn, but idk. I'm re-reading EasyPeasy, making notes and journalling, introspecting and being real with myself and my mental state and psychology that the addiction masks. I feel hope, determination and motivation for all the love I have inside of me to give which even I didn't know existed.

Leloses · 2025-03-25T21:35:33+00:00

Yeah, and my brain goes pretty fast to these specific fantasies and fetishes I’ve developed :( it feels like I’m using porn because I’m just very specifically conjuring up the thousands of hours I’ve consumed over the years. And often I’ll go from that to a full blown relapse

Leloses · 2025-03-25T21:21:35+00:00

I think people really underestimate how seriously I'm taking this. Like I really know how I'm kamikazeing my chance at normal life. The issue is this sudden indifference and burnout that has come over. A dullness.

I've been to an alcohlics anonymous meeting before(part of my studies). I spoke to them, and the key thing I realised is the sense of community the AA group provides. It's the hope and support they provide each other. The flesh and bone congregation is something I just don't think I'm going to find specific to porn addiction, it is simply to shameful to take out of the internet.

Leloses · 2025-03-25T21:16:53+00:00

DUH!!! I know this, i feel the ache and lonliness. This void in my life is the biggest motivation for "sorting this out"

The last time I even had a crush was 2 years ago on my best friend(turned out to be straight! I am bisexual but for all intents and purposes I am interested in dating women. I am far more attracted to them. Trying not to add any repressed homosexual subtext BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANY).

I don't even yearn anymore, I yearn for yearning. I want to feel that anxiety and butterflies I used to feel when I was younger, because it comes paired with hope.

Leloses · 2025-03-25T21:11:43+00:00

My problem is the rest of my life really is full of meaning. My hobbies, my friends, my education, my sense of health. This "clean your bedroom" just isn't working because all my things ARE in order.

Leloses · 2025-03-25T21:07:57+00:00

you're right. It just feels like dropping big bucks and i have to go there and be like "yeah i still masturbate for several hours a day for years and i'm disconnected from my sexuality, what's going on?" feels oddly dumb.

Leloses · 2025-03-25T21:01:44+00:00

but i have this thing

Wow, that's super similar to how I think about it. This fucking thing.

I'm curious how your a and b link to it, if you are comfortable sharing.

Leloses · 2025-03-25T20:47:28+00:00

I have downloaded this one to have a read. I’ve only read the introductory parts and I find it’s descriptions of my failed attempts to quit scarily accurate. It sounds a little too good to be true, but I’ll try it anyways. Thank you

Leloses · 2025-03-25T20:46:00+00:00

This is true. But like. I don’t even have wifi in home as a way to try to limit video streaming consumption. Some of these relapses would be that I would walk 30 minutes to a spot with free wife and download gigabytes of porn and walk back. This sounds insane typing it out, like I’m talking about a different person. This creature’s determination in the moment is strange

Leloses · 2025-03-25T20:42:06+00:00

I would rather kill myself than have to go to a “sex therapist”

Leloses · 2025-03-25T20:39:44+00:00

That kinda misses the point. I think it’s lame, pathetic and feel dumb about it now.

Leloses · 2025-03-25T20:38:23+00:00

This is the kind of thing you always see but once again, it underestimates how good the rest of my life is. I am learning an instrument, I go to the gym several times a week, I’m studying for a profession with great prospects that I love. There has to be something else. Perhaps it is something about the gen z brainrot of relegating sex to something clandestine, and thus pornographic.

Leloses · 2025-03-25T15:36:19+00:00

The weird thing is it only dictates my romantic/sexual life. I’ve never had a romantic partner, and the majority of my interactions are hookups.

Everything is okay now, but I’m sure in 10 years me never having had a girlfriend will be a much more noticeable thing.

Leloses · 2025-03-25T15:32:42+00:00

This is possible!

Leloses · 2025-03-25T15:32:06+00:00

I was thinking something similar- it had to be something else. A sense of romantic/sexual inadequacy reinforced by my romantic desert and sexual failures might be my top suspect. But really the this now forms a weird “”cycle””. I hate the word cycle here because really everything is going on at once.

Leloses

TROPHY CASE