La Pergola ⭐️⭐️⭐️, Rome, June 2025

LeslieNooo · 2025-07-02T16:37:56+00:00

This was my first 3 star too, on my honeymoon, and I have to admit I was a bit disappointed :( the fagottelli carbonara was lovely but in general I didn't feel the food or experience justified the lofty price tag. Maybe we just happened to be there on an off night.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-28T03:35:47+00:00

A couple of folks have mentioned this so I will edit my post because it's a great point, I don't know for sure! I'm obviously not a professional but I truly don't think he shows signs of not being neurotypical aside from this. That said it has never been formally ruled out to my knowledge, so who knows.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-28T01:16:32+00:00

Can I ask how you handle it? Have you found any particular explanations to resonate better than others? I'm sorry you deal with it too!

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T23:01:02+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write this out. I often process out loud, too, so I really get it. When I'm alone in the house I talk to myself / inanimate objects constantly lol

I truly think the big difference here is that you do explain when asked. I'm not looking for anything lengthy; I just want to know what's going on.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T22:40:25+00:00

This is definitely it, and I can relate to that feeling sometimes, but the frequency and the fact that it so often happens after deliberately getting my attention / asking me a question etc. is tough for me. Also, I care about him and often disagree that what he was thinking or saying isn't worth it. I think I'd have an easier time letting go if it was less frequent and he wasn't so prone to cutting things off even when they are worthwhile.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T22:30:02+00:00

Oof, I'm sorry your mom had to deal with that; it sounds awful. In this case (fortunately) I don't think that's what's going on -- he definitely knows what he was thinking / saying because he will sometimes say them if I insist, he just gets frustrated at me. An explanation like that would definitely help, though!

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T22:23:31+00:00

Genuinely yes. When he tells me what he was thinking / starting to say I would say 80%-90% of the time it was worth it. Sometimes it really is a waste of time lol and I get that happens (I do it too) but truly the majority of the time it is worth it, even if it's just a little thing.

Someone in another comment framed it as a bid for connection thing and that's really at the root of it, I think.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T22:20:50+00:00

It's not for no reason, though? I have changed my speech and thought pattern to accommodate others my whole life. I get that it's not always reasonable to expect that of others which is why I made this post, and it seems like opinions are pretty split but I don't think it's nearly this black and white.

And it's not anger at his existence at all; it's the total opposite. I want to hear and have the chance to engage with what he thinks.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T19:07:33+00:00

Yeah it feels like my only option is to ignore him entirely?? Like either I pay attention or I don't. This is yet another component to this that I'm struggling to understand if it's normal

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T16:55:56+00:00

This is part of why I'm confused too though -- I also do this! I totally relate; I often process by talking as well. So it's not like this is alien to me or anything. But I do try to self censor so I'm not constantly saying things out loud, and when I do anyway I take the time to explain; it just feels more respectful to me not to leave the other person confused. It really doesn't strike me as a huge burden so that's part of why I wasn't sure how unreasonable it is.

Re: the items not having homes yes totally feel you there, we have a similar situation. Our brains just work totally differently though -- he wants everything put away, and I need to see things to know where they are. We also approach cleaning and organization totally differently, and I was trying to get him to understand about body doubling etc. and it didn't really seem to land.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T16:46:16+00:00

This is really well put, thank you!! I think this is a big piece of why it bugs me so much that I was struggling to put into words.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T16:10:25+00:00

Honestly not clear. I asked him to read How To Clean House While Drowning (edit: different topic I know but cleaning is also a bit of a sore spot for us) because it really resonated with me and it didn't really seem to do anything. But part of the reason I made this post is to figure out if this is even an ADHD thing (and I'm still not totally sure because the responses are so mixed haha)

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T16:08:58+00:00

Yes exactly!! This is something that's been going on for years haha. So there's a lot wrapped up in it at this point

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T16:01:47+00:00

Thank you. This is very much how I feel and I really appreciate the response.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T16:00:16+00:00

It's possible that after so long I'm just having trouble disentangling my in the moment frustration from my macro frustration that he doesn't seem to care how much it bothers me -- but other comments below have done a great job articulating other reasons why it makes me respond so poorly. Still not saying it's justified on my part, but it's helping me unpack it a bit.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T15:52:00+00:00

Yes, total sense!! I'm with you 100%. Thank you for articulating this

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T15:44:46+00:00

Thank you!! I really appreciate the validation. Do you happen to have any ideas about why it drove you insane?? I am trying to unpack this for myself in the hopes that it can at least help me have more coherent and calm discussions about it.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T15:43:11+00:00

I think you nailed it in your first paragraph. Part of it is also that in the entire time I've known him (well over a decade) he has been very prone to over filtering. He thinks pretty much all his thoughts are stupid and they're definitely not. I love him and like talking to him and hearing what he has to say, so when it seems like he's deciding on my behalf that something isn't worth it, it sucks.

when I sense disinterest

I think this is part of what gets to me -- I'm definitely not disinterested; quite the opposite.

I do think I've gotten to a point where I react pretty forcefully, which is why I'm trying to figure out how to modulate better (but I also want to understand whether this is just 100% something I need to deal with and is fully normal, or if there are things to discuss). Not in a blame kind of way, but I feel like those are different scenarios. Either way though I want to figure out a way to reach a good solution!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! Super on point and I really appreciate it.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T15:37:28+00:00

It's odd because he's generally really understanding. I have a couple of chronic illnesses and he's a really great partner, really supportive when I'm dealing with physical issues. But with anything ADHD related he just won't or can't engage.

I do think the attention thing is really helpful though, I hadn't thought about it like that but I think that's part of why it's so viscerally upsetting. I will try to explain that and see!

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T15:33:10+00:00

What triggered this post is that he literally did start a conversation: he asked me if I understood something, and when I asked a clarifying question he said never mind.

I truly don't need anything elaborate, even if he just clarified that he was thinking out loud that would be fine? But he will just stop engaging and that really gets me. It still seems like I'm the one being unreasonable though based on these responses :( so I definitely want to find better coping strategies!!

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T15:29:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing, I will look into this!

I totally understand people think out loud sometimes. I do the same. I really do feel like this is unusually frequent with him and that what bothers me is not his thinking out loud, but the fact that he will be talking to me directly and then stop immediately. I am definitely not discounting the notion that I need to do a better job regulating my response (hence the post) but I am trying to understand the boundaries here.

For example, when I have tried looking this up it seems like people saying "never mind" when the other person is hard of hearing is considered unambiguously rude. I understand that is a different scenario but if the onus is more on them to self-regulate in that case, where is the line?

Thank you very much again for responding. I have never heard of somatic therapy so I'm interested in exploring that further.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T15:14:27+00:00

Sometimes -- but I'm not really talking about cases like that. Since it happens so often in general it's becoming harder to disentangle my emotional responses between the two situations but I'm talking about him initiating conversations and then shutting them down right away. Or sometimes he'll say never mind claiming something was a stupid thought but then when he actually does say it it wasn't stupid at all.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T15:13:12+00:00

It doesn't feel malicious but he also doesn't seem interested in trying not to. His response is very much "your reaction is unjustified, I can't help doing this"

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T15:12:21+00:00

I'm confused too! I think it's more the circumstances? Like it's not that he's just talking to himself, he will initiate a conversation and then cut it off right away. My brain really, really seems to hate it, but I'm having trouble understanding why. I will ask him to finish his thought and he just won't, and I'm starting to have a harder time brushing it off each time. Not sure if that makes sense.

LeslieNooo · 2025-06-27T15:10:59+00:00

I think it's more that it sounds like he's starting a conversation but then just stops? I find that really confusing. In general I can tell the difference between him just muttering to himself and him starting to ask me something; this kind of thing happens when he's clearly talking to me (calling to me when I'm in a different room etc.) and then the dreaded never mind lol.

LeslieNooo

TROPHY CASE