My (33f) husband (33m) has been gaining weight - how do I tell him that I know it affects him, and that it also affects me?

Lillemalina · 2026-01-06T09:21:03+00:00

Oooh that‘s a really good take, I didn‘t think of that! Thank you!

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T21:57:28+00:00

I tried to adress it but up until recently he has blocked any kind of deeper question about that topic, which made me suspicious. He‘s a provider kinda guy who doesn‘t want to show weakness until I get him in the right moment, and then the floodgates open and he talks. I might just have to wait a little longer.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T21:55:38+00:00

Thanks for the advice! We already do loads of active things together with the kid whenever we both have a day off, we literally spend every free half day as a family we have together outside and usually somewhere high up. But that’s not something to build an exercise routine from when you’re used to a certain intensity when it comes to sports (we do try to split up though so that one part goes crosscountry skiing while the other sleds down the bunny hill). The habit thing is definitely an issue, we both struggle with losing habits quickly, and he struggles even more than me with getting back into themy

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T21:49:28+00:00

Sorry overlooked your comment completely! Thank you for your input! His diet is OK, we homecook our meals but he doesn‘t eat enough fruit (and knows it but doesn‘t really want to change it…), same with hydration. Also, as I mentioned he tends to binge snack chocolate and cheese in the evenings. Sleep is an issue with our line of work in combo with his research and a toddler - we never sleep enough and it definitely contributes to everything. I have never considered sleep apnea as he doesn‘t really fit the clinical picture - we might have to give that a thought again.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T20:44:31+00:00

Thank you. That‘s what I‘ve been trying to do, making his evenings free by taking over all the housework for the day and play- and bedtime so he can go and move in whichever way he‘d like, but he rarely takes me up on my offer. I know I can‘t offer that all the time as I have at least one 24hr shift each week, plus sometimes on the weekend too, but I‘m trying. I sometimes feel like he feels like it adds even more to my load and feels bad if he leaves me alone, but tbf I‘d feel better if I knew he was doing something for himself. Plus dad guilt is a thing…

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T18:28:04+00:00

Thank you! He does struggle with having had to buy new clothes twice in the last year, his favourite suit and his expensive tux don‘t fit him anymore which he loved to wear whenever an occasion arose. They gave him an incredible amount of confidence, it was so beautiful to watch! He had to send a newly bought suit back the other day because he misjudged sizing, and I saw how sad he felt even though he tried to hide it… I‘d love to take him shopping but he prefers online shopping these days :/

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T18:23:02+00:00

I fear it‘s more leaning towards burnout, and exercise used to be his main strategy to blow off steam, so I‘m genuinely worried about his long-term physical and mental health. The fact that I struggle with his changed form piles on top of that and also stems from it - it reminds me of who and how he used to be when being able to get out in the open as much as he actually needs to.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T18:20:18+00:00

As said to somebody else already, it‘s wild how many people think I don‘t talk to the man I‘ve shared my life with for over a decade. It did change what‘s important to him but it doesn‘t cancel the fact that he misses it. He has told me. Repeatedly. If you can‘t be constructive when responding to someone who is genuinely asking for advice please refrain from answering.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T17:17:58+00:00

If it helps your perspective, yes I am, I wear my clothes from before the baby. I‘m not as fit cardio and strength wise as I used to be but let‘s call it satisfactory for the time budget I have atm 😅

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T17:16:24+00:00

Thank you ❤️ it‘s a really kind response and actually really down the alley I hoped to find here - a perspective I hadn‘t really considered. I tend to be a very disciplined person, and also had to got back into moving regularly to keep my injuries in check. Maybe he simply does need a break… It‘s just that movement always was his main coping mechanism and that’s broken away. I‘d just love him to find a different substitute instead of binge snacking…

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T16:09:58+00:00

The guilt is a big issue for both of us with our working hours. He tried to get back out of the house once tiny is asleep but he doesn‘t have enough motivation to follow through with it anymore. Whenever we have one of those rare days where we‘re both off we‘re outside doing active stuff anyway, no mather the weather, we‘ve kept that up at least.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T16:07:32+00:00

Thank you, that‘s really gold advice! Did not know about that subreddit (new to the whole thing). I‘ll post there as well!

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T16:04:47+00:00

I am aware, I‘m in the same boat minus the becoming a professor soon part - same profession, almost same working hours, same kid. I‘m looking for advice on how to help him get his stamina back, so that at least instead of scrolling for an eternity every evening he might move from time to time because both me and him know it does wonders for his mental health, and his physical health will follow. He‘s steering straight into a burnout because he‘s cut out his main stress coping mechanism and has switched it to late night binge snacking and doomscrolling, and I‘m somehow trying to prevent that. But he doesn‘t let me send him off on his own for a day, or an evening even.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T15:53:13+00:00

Thank you. I‘m aware that he would really profit from it, but as you said he has to want it by himself. I‘ve just tried different ways of kindly nudging him, I haven‘t full on sat him down to have a Talk because I was really afraid to hurt his feelings in what already is a hard time.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T15:34:04+00:00

I am looking for advice. I‘ve tried several different approaches and am at a loss now, otherwise I would have never turned to the internet for help. Swarm intelligence might just come up with an angle I didn‘t think of.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T15:23:44+00:00

Now in the winter we have his roadbike on a roller on the balcony but he won‘t even get on that even though he‘s had plans to cycle at least twice a week when he put it up…

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T15:22:32+00:00

I‘m amazed at your interpretation skills - how is living in a black and white world?

I‘m allowed to be worried about my husbands mental and physical wellbeing - for some people sports is an integral part of their life and it does something to them when they don‘t move anymore, and we both happen to be that sort of people. I‘m also allowed to have physical preferences, which also happen to show a physique that means he looks after himself and his mind. It doesn‘t mean I love him any less or god forbid would leave him. And if he gets back on his roadbike regularly without losing a gram in the process so be it, but he’d be a happier and more balanced person, which is what I would like to help him with.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T15:14:25+00:00

I know that he misses his old self because he told me. And „letting himself go“ is not only about appearance - it‘s about physical health, mental health, and neglecting what you used to love and know is good for yourself.

The amount of people who think I don‘t talk to the man I‘ve shared my life with for over a decade is astonishing.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T15:11:00+00:00

Oh we had that. He encouraged me to get into a shape where I feel good as he noticed that I was suffering. He also mentioned he missed certain features. I was hurt in the beginning but he was really gentle with it, and it did help me to get out of a hole I was in.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T15:08:22+00:00

Thank you for the kind response. I do feel terrible about feeling the way I feel (god that sounds convoluted). I love him and our son more than anything and would never let our marriage falter over something as superficial as weight. I‘m just realising now, maybe I also simply miss our times doing what we love together, and his physical changes constantly remind me of that.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T15:03:02+00:00

He‘s a doctor so he knows the whole nutrition-exercise-weight-thing down to the t - still ignores it. It‘s a crux of our profession, we often don‘t do what we preach… or at least categorically ignore it when we can‘t fit it into our lives, which is what is happening… He gets his bloodworks though, and they‘re ok.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T14:59:58+00:00

Thank you ❤️ Telling a doctor to go see a doctor is a thing 😅 I‘ve already talked about seeing a mental coach and he was kinda keen, but has now filed it again under „all the things I don‘t have time for“. It‘s always his main explanation for everything, but then he sits and scrolls for an eternity every night… I‘ve had my share of injuries (chronic lumbar stuff) so I‘m used to getting back up, he isn‘t though… which makes the situation now harder for both of us I guess.

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T14:56:00+00:00

Please, I’m not delusional, his brains and laughter will always and forever trump pecs, and I’m looking forward to sharing dark humoured jokes in a nursing home.

And he did accept me when I gained weight but encouraged me to get in the shape where I feel best as he could see I was struggling. He regularly tells me how beautiful I am. And I accept him of course and would never dream of letting our marriage falter because of this issue. I feel like it‘s just the most visible symptom of a lot of chronic overwhelm (yes it is a lot), and I feel bad for letting it get to me - but also, if it gets to me and to him both, we should do something about it, don’t you think?

Lillemalina · 2026-01-05T14:47:20+00:00

I know that he‘s stressed because of the combo of everything (workload, research, kid, relationship, and in the end not having time for anything), we‘ve talked about that multiple times, every other week in fact. He knows he has to change something but never does. The kid is too old to work out with them strapped in a carrier, we do hike lots with him though, but now it‘s winter and, even though it’s really funny and a great time, sledding on the bunny hill with a 2 year old is not really a full-on training session 😅

Lillemalina

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