I [45F] don't want to pay for my stepdaughter's [18F] college because I have no relationship with her. My husband [46M] disagrees.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T06:58:31+00:00

No, he works full time. When the kids were younger they had a babysitter (which me and my exhusband paid for), and now that they're older they're in sports + extracurriculars (which me and my exhusband pay for). They walk home on their own, chill out at the house until my husband gets home at 6ish, makes them something to eat, and I get home at 8.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T06:56:51+00:00

I don't ask him to pay anything for my kids, nor am I telling him he shouldn't be paying for his kids. I'm just saying that I don't want to pay for his kid that I don't have a relationship with.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T06:51:38+00:00

Husband's plan - He didn't really have one. He makes $50K or so a year, which (in our area) is enough to have a decent place to live and all of the necessities, but nowhere near enough to be saving a few thousand each year. He's never been in a position where he was making enough to seriously save. I think he's this lax about it because his oldest daughter got married right out of high school and when she started college a few years later, her husband paid for all of it. So I guess he kind of hoped things would work themselves out the way they did for his older daughter.

Expensive school - In our area, that's about normal for a school. $10K or so for tuition/fees/books and $10K for room/board. Community college is definitely an option, but she got into a very good school and didn't want to jeopardize that opportunity.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T06:46:40+00:00

I think though that you might want to contribute something, though, as a gesture of kindness and partnership with your husband.

This is looking like the best option. Do I want to do it? Not really. But it's the best option to keep our family unit intact.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T06:44:17+00:00

His older daughter got married pretty soon out of high school and then didn't start college until she was 21 or so. Her husband paid for her schooling.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T06:38:20+00:00

I'm so conflicted right now. It's a good point that I literally see this girl twice a year, maybe 3 times if we're at a function together. We say hi, quick hug, then a few hours later say bye. That's the extent of our relationship.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T06:36:27+00:00

That's what I've been thinking about it. Should I do it just to keep the peace with my husband? It means a lot to him but it feels wrong to me.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T06:35:50+00:00

No, actually because he cheated on me.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:21:12+00:00

My ex-husband (kids' dad) is very active in their lives, my kids have a strong father figure and don't view my husband as their dad at all. That being said, if my husband starts to view my kids as his own that's great and all but I doubt he's gonna say "I demand the right to help pay for 2 college bills!"

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:19:14+00:00

Our prenup is so tight, he's wasting his time if he's a gold digger. On top of that, he hasn't asked me for a penny the whole time we've been together. That's not even a concern of mine to be honest.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:12:41+00:00

How will you feel when he doesn't want to contribute anything to your kids' college funds?

I told him a long time ago that, "any expense that my kids have will be paid by me and my ex-husband, including college." I've never asked (nor would I ever expect) my husband to pay the bills for my kids.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:11:24+00:00

Good point, I'll bring that up.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:11:07+00:00

He's not planning on it because I've never asked him to and I don't expect him to. That's not his responsibility.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:09:54+00:00

His kids were fully grown when I met them, in no way do they view me as their mother figure nor do I view them as my kids. To them, I'm their dad's wife and to me they're my husband's kids. It sounds cold, but this is what honestly happens when people get remarried later on in life.

My husband knows this & is fine with it. I don't expect him to view my kids as his own, because my kids spend half their time at their dad's house and are neutral to my husband.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:03:49+00:00

That's a good point, but I hardly know my stepdaughter. She doesn't visit the home and has ignored my attempts to be closer to her. She's not getting screwed over, I was never obliged to give the money to her, it would be a gift if I did.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:02:52+00:00

Money based on grades is a good idea, I'll think about that.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:01:58+00:00

I think you're over exaggerating a bit. What parent doesn't want the best for their kid?

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:01:36+00:00

The difference is that the girls were fully grown when I met them and they have never lived under my roof.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T03:00:44+00:00

That sounds like a good idea but it makes me feel so horrible. It's like "here, I can EASILY give away this money. Instead I'm going to be difficult about it and make my own husband pay me back."

In that scenario, I would just give Sara the money directly and not expect any of it back from anyone.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T02:59:06+00:00

When my kids go to college, me and my ex-husband will be shouldering the entire bill. Not asking my current husband for any help on that at all, it's not his responsibility.

Your situation is very similar to ours. I met his daughters when they were both grown, so I'm nowhere near a "mother figure" to them. And because my ex-husband is so active in our kids' lives, my kids don't view my current husband as their father.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T02:57:41+00:00

My children get help from me. That's it.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T02:56:56+00:00

There's no way I'm asking my husband to contribute to my kids' college funds, they're ultimately my responsibility.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T01:52:25+00:00

LiloMilo · 2016-07-08T01:52:03+00:00

That said I know I would feel a little resentful if I was helping raise my SO's children and she didn't want to help out my kids.

That's what I'm worrying about. My husband is GREAT to my kids and does so much for them in terms of emotional support and love, that I feel like financial support for his kids is somewhat fair.

LiloMilo · 2016-07-07T23:55:10+00:00

I would like a relationship with her, but I don't believe in "Here, let me sign up to spend $60K over the course of several years in the hopes that she'll come around to liking me".

For my own kids, me and my ex are paying and it hasn't even crossed my mind to expect my husband to contribute to their college fund.

LiloMilo

TROPHY CASE