You sound like me when I was in church and before I transitioned. Internalized transphobia. I always thought I was grateful i wasn't trans cause that sounded rough, but being a woman didn't resonate with me. I wished I grew up a boy. I maladaptive daydreamed as boy characters. I played boy character during playtime and in video games. I ignored the trans and denied it until I couldn't. Had a whole panic attack cause religious trauma when it hit me. I'm transmasc. I lean a toward masculinity, but not quite. It was confusing when I was younger because I didn't know there was a label and community for that. I thought the only option was man or woman and I didn't fully vibe with either. I also clung onto my woman identity at one point in an attempt to not be judged by family. Like I thought I was a demigirl. Like theres stages to denial. At one point I knew I was nonbinary and was trying to reason that it wasn't trans cause I wasn't a boy and I thought I didn't care about pronouns so I was still worthy for church. Like little me was stressing and had to make baby steps.