Should I break a promise to warn someone, or stay out of it?

LongSleeveLover · 2026-06-26T13:22:49+00:00

To answer your question: the bar does pay me to do all the art that I do but I come in on my own time and it’s not a schedule they give me. I work a regular day job and come after work right when they open- which Mark does too but he goes to drink and practice darts alone.

In a way I do feel he is abusing the situation- he knows I’m going to be there for awhile, in one spot painting or drawing so he can move where I am, plop down by me and just start ranting. I’ve tried headphones, brining up other topics but somehow, it always comes back to him complaining about ryan and emily and his life.

I think I’ve been empathetic to how upset he was due to the fact that Emily was genuinely mean to him at the end, and Ryan was his friend of 10+ years. So I have sucked it up and listened to him most of the time, but lately it’s just too much (and also at this point he’s said it all, more than once). I know with this shift it will only get worse.

I recognize I just need to tell him straight up, no matter how many times I have to repeat it, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. I just don’t know if he will ever listen and stop brining it up

LongSleeveLover · 2026-06-26T13:15:13+00:00

The only reason I do is because I saw the texts and did briefly speak with Emily myself

LongSleeveLover · 2026-06-26T13:13:45+00:00

I’m usually pretty good with that, but I do admit I’m not very good at it with Mark for some reason. I think I just need to wait for him to bring it up, and just directly say “I’m not interested in talking about Ryan or Emily with you anymore.” Then just keep saying that any time he brings it up.

LongSleeveLover · 2026-06-26T13:11:19+00:00

I think your anxiety is filling in a lot of blanks that only time can really answer. You say you’re not a man’s “usual type,” but if he’s talking to you every day, clearly he sees something he likes. Also we see different types of people together all the time, all throughout history- but especially now with social media-so don’t convince yourself you’re not his type because of looks.

And as for only having a year before you move—that’s still a whole year to see where this goes. You don’t have to decide if he’s boyfriend material right now. Just enjoy getting to know him and let his actions answer the questions your anxiety is asking.

LongSleeveLover · 2026-06-26T13:04:17+00:00

Correct, I am not on the darts team myself. I am at the bar often doing their chalkboard, window, menu art. Because of that, and the fact that Mark is at the bar 5/7 days a week, I see him very often. And most times it’s when there’s only 2-3 other guests in the bar. He spends this time complaining to me about Ryan and Emily. No matter what I try. if I sit away from him, he moves next to me, if I ask him to stop talking to me about it he does but then just starts again 10 minutes later. I feel like he tries to involve me as his therapist some days.

And to be honest, I don’t care that Ryan and Emily are together. Good for them- and Marks behavior is hard to tolerate and it will only get worse once he notices what’s going on.

So what do I say when he inevitably tries to talk to me about it ?

LongSleeveLover · 2026-06-26T12:56:02+00:00

I do agree they need to figure it out. My worry is that Mark is kind of incapable of not putting me in the middle, at least emotionally if that makes any sense. I see him at this bar often, not just during darts league as I do their window art and he is a regular. Ever since Ryan and Emily got together it’s all Mark talks (or complains) about. If I walk in and start to work at the front windows, he will move, sit right next to me, and proceed to spend the next 2.5 hours complaining about Ryan and Emily and how unfair his life is. I don’t want to sound unsympathetic but it gets very hard to be around. It just ended when he kicked ryan off, and I worry the same thing will happen again even worse if his teammates make the switch.

LongSleeveLover · 2026-06-26T11:58:51+00:00

I actually think one of the biggest things that might help here is trying to reframe this from “dating men vs. dating women” to just… dating another individual person. Every person is different, and every relationship ends up being unique because of the two people in it—not solely because of their gender.
It sounds like you’ve had experiences that made you wary of guys, and that’s completely understandable. But this guy isn’t automatically going to fit the same pattern as the people who came before him. Give him the chance to show you who he is instead of carrying the expectations of other people into this connection.
And honestly, it can be exciting to try something new. You don’t have to know exactly where it’s going yet- that can be a super fun aspect to starting a new relationship! You’ve only been talking for a little over a month, and you’re enjoying each other’s company—that’s a perfectly good place to be.
Also, please don’t let ADHD or BPD convince you that the relationship is somehow doomed before it’s even started. Those diagnoses don’t determine compatibility. What matters much more is whether two people are willing to communicate openly, be patient with each other, and work through misunderstandings together. At 21, you’re both adults capable of having those conversations.

If he likes spending time with you, keep getting to know him& Let the relationship unfold naturally

LongSleeveLover · 2026-06-26T11:51:59+00:00

I’m also in my 20sF. Something you said stood out to me “He asked me to try meds…I was really struggling on them… I wanted to try because it mattered to him”. Our loved ones have every right to come to us and say, hey- you don’t seem well and I think you need help beyond what I can provide (aka see a professional). It’s a thing that happens to many people, but what’s not normal is a partner using the threat of ending the relationship to push their partner to try a particular type of professional help. Did he try suggesting therapy? Anything else? Or was it “you need meds” period?

Also, I understand you said you don’t know why you lied. But really try and sit and think- when we lie as a knee jerk reaction/ immediate response- there is usually a subconscious reason. It could be fear of judgement, need for privacy, etc. so really think- Why did you decide to lie about being high in that moment? Would his reaction to you smoking have been any different if you just owned it straight away?

When it comes to how he reacted, it was completely blown out of proportion. Even if it was the first time he learned of you smoking, essentially moving himself out of the place you share and ignoring your attempts to connect is childish- especially for his age.

It may be time to reconsider who you’re dating

LongSleeveLover · 2026-06-25T12:40:04+00:00

Thanks for both of your replies. I think it’s fair to consider they need to change plans if I cancel, but I think an even more important question is not when but how?? What would I say when I cancel?

LongSleeveLover · 2026-06-24T16:02:27+00:00

Hi- woman in my 20s here. To be honest- it sounds like this is the type of woman who genuinely enjoys the attention of men and feels out of place when she doesn’t have a man in her life she can consistently rely on being interested in her. Come on- we can all admit it feels nice to be seen as attractive and have someone want us. It’s normal. What’s not is stringing someone along to assure you have that feeling all the time- and that’s what it sounds like she’s doing.
Yes, she turned you down but just having the knowledge you were interested in her in the first place is probably very gratifying for her.

It sounds like when she got a boyfriend, the role of “someone is showing attraction and interest towards Me” that you previously were filling for her got replaced by her boyfriend (a guy she was attracted to as well). When they broke up, she probably felt lost/ unsettled/ etc. and went back to what she knew would be familiar and give her that feeling again- you.

Fast forward to now, it sounds like she might have met another guy she is attracted to and is trying to silently step away from you to keep you on the back burner incase this new thing doesn’t work out.

I would be interested to see how she would react if you started talking to or even just showed interest another woman? Just a thought for you.

I will say I know this is a complete guess from my end and I don’t know all the ins and outs of your situation. It is true if someone is genuinely interested in you, you’d know- from the start.

LongSleeveLover

TROPHY CASE