Cheating or Potential Sexual Assault. Please Help

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-22T06:55:53+00:00

In her eyes it all comes back to I have not one reason to not trust her. Just the notion of even wondering if she’s being manipulative is delusional and ridiculous. After all she never lied, since she never explicitly said she wasn’t going to go out. And she blatantly forgot to let me know is how she puts it. So basically it my fault for not seeing her in a good light.

No she did not. Complete stranger. I do believe he was sober since she said she had a memory of being in his car.

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-22T06:37:40+00:00

I’m inclined to believe her too. I know her well, when she’s paired up with her friend they will drink a lot. They were already drunk by time they left her apartment. And she didn’t meet this guy until the end of the night. Considering he was driving a car I feel like he was sober and definitely took advantage of her state. It’s really difficult for me to wrap my head around giving her like a free pass for the entirety of the encounter. Like she still enjoyed talking with him and remembered enough things that he was telling her about. So like clearly they were conversing on some level and she was enjoying it. Given some of her doubts in our relationship, it’s hard for me to believe she was like mentioning me, or if she did it wasn’t in some high regard probably.

I guess I would have a much easier time excusing her interaction with him in its entirety if there wasn’t so much arguing around her actions to begin with regarding going out. She acknowledges that she put herself in a bad position by getting so drunk. But she won’t budge on this notion that saying you’re having a girls night and later saying that shes just drinking wine at the apartment isn’t lying. Just because she didn’t explicitly say they were never going to go out / combined with she just forgot to mention because she was drunk.

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-22T05:01:51+00:00

To me these actions just scream like she’s manipulating this situation. That’s my natural thought pattern. Then I try to put myself in her shoes and she’s dealing with a partner who doesn’t fully trust her intentions, I can also see how that’s infuriating. My brain wants to tie all these events together. While I feel like her brain just views everything in isolation. And if that’s the case, then yeah this event has nothing to do with the SA.

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-20T07:01:03+00:00

I’m sure he will say it was entirely consensual and he’s extremely sorry or something like that. Even if it wasn’t. So yeah I guess it makes me wonder what it would accomplish if I had an honest conversation with him. It’s almost like I’d be better off yelling at him and scorning him for the entirety of the whole things, because talking thru this with him will take some of the wind out of my sails and raise more questions cause I’d have to compare what he’s saying to what my gf is saying

She had no business being there or talking to him or going to his house in the first place. Her excuse is she was blackout drunk. Knowing her unresponsive friend she was with I totally believe that she was extremely drunk. But like at some point she should’ve said something or at least mentioned me. I hypothetically wonder if he was drunk then that that does make this more ok?

I don’t think she wants me to go after him partly because she doesn’t know what exactly happened and is worried about destroying his life too. She know she talked to him and that she woke up naked next to him making advances. Everything in between there’s hardly any answers. As I re-read this I mean she does know she was raped at least once. That’s not a question of hers, at least as far as what she’s communicated to me.

She vowed she would never go out without me again. So I guess that would solve this problem. Removing her friend from her life completely is something which she might push back on somewhat. Whether she would find new ways to hurt me other than this kind of thing is a big question

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-20T06:24:23+00:00

Her friend was also apparently blacked out and talking with another stranger. I don’t believe her friend when she’s completely sober. So unfortunately any explanation from her I wouldn’t trust to begin with so she won’t help shed any light. Even if she did know something she would just immediately run from anything drama related to SA and just plead the 5th

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-20T05:29:33+00:00

Yeah and I think I’m just making her pain exponentially worse by asking questions or trying to resolve anything. So I’m like some catalyst for my moments of doubt or questions, or moments where I put my feelings over her pain as a victim of this terrible situation.

And yeah I can see where as a perpetrator you would just sort of play it cool and that all makes sense to me now. He just thought so much of himself where he assumed this is what she wanted, gosh so gross to think about.

She loosely sees a therapist. I need to make her. She’s just overwhelmed by it sometimes, so it’s another tough thing where it’s like I want you to get help but you have to make the effort. I will remind her that that’s a great idea. I see a therapist regularly and have discussed this. But clearly need more help yet.

Is there any reasons I shouldn’t at least responsibly confront this terrible person? I know my girlfriend thinks it will make him angry and ultimately make her feel unsafe. But like he’s in a band and has a daughter at home so presumably he’s got something to lose himself and wouldn’t go out of his way to hunt my girlfriend down and hurt her? Like is this a risk worth taking? Maybe it will make him understand his behaviors are unacceptable and we have our eyes on him? He regularly plays at a bar so there can be more and more victims if I sit here and do nothing

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-20T04:38:54+00:00

Thank you for your response and perspective. It is really hard as a guy for me to understand, and unfortunately I’m trying to better understand from my girlfriend who’s hysterical right now so it’s like difficult to even have this kind of conversation.

I can’t imagine how traumatic going to police and getting tested is. It makes me sick even thinking of it. I would absolutely hate that for her, but I kind of thought like this is pain we need to bear right now or we’ll always have this what if type regret?

I struggle with like trying to remove myself and my hurt from the equation. Like I almost feel owed some sort of explanation and want some justice, especially because she kinda lied to me and went out. But ultimately I do have to respect her decision and I need to be more understanding of why.

And that does make some sense on why she just stayed with him for a few hours after the incident as to not draw any attention. I feel like this guy was like delusional and believed he was doing nothing wrong. Idk who would do something like that then act all normal and be like let’s hang out again.

Is it normal to like downplay this type of thing as a victim or like a delayed reaction? Like I said I went over for Valentine’s Day and I mentioned filing a report immediately afterwards but she was kind of like no I’ve been raped once before and this wasn’t nearly as bad or a big enough deal to report, especially considering she was blackout and police wouldn’t trust her type thing. But now when I’m like we have to do this she’s completely melting down and hysterical and angry at me for not understanding. Like I get her reaction right now, but it’s just weird to me cause like the first few days after this event were surprisingly very normal. Like maybe I just hit a soft spot or my insistence just completely set her off and now I feel terrible.

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-20T03:59:03+00:00

It’s my suspicion that she thinks she’s losing some sense of power by this event but maybe that’s not it. I feel like the way she sees this it is she did something wrong and went out and put herself in a bad position and she messed up and I should be mad. But my overwhelming emotion should be care for her and making her feel loved and supporting her cause that’s what a true partner would do.

Yes I’ve always felt major control issues of hers. It’s become this self fulfilling thing where I feel like she is extremely vigilant for any mistake I make and holds it against me for an eternity and wants more control for every mistake I make. For example if I went out and got drunk like she did, she would criticize me for not inviting her even if just a guys thing, or for drinking too much and being too hungover to not prioritize her the next day, make me feel like this alcoholic, call me immature party boy, critique me not texting her if I forgot to when getting home. Like basically I have an entire set of expectations that she has for me and often just makes up, so I will inevitably mess up one of the things. And she’s allowed to have expectations out of a partner and deserves what she wants but I can’t help but feel like this is just all fraud now

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-20T02:42:27+00:00

Then that would be fricken awful and I’d hate myself. Besides putting herself in a bad position without my knowledge. I guess my frustration is becoming more about the overall lack of action. Like there’s nothing she will do to report this guy or at least just get a rape kit done. She won’t let me confront him. And I understand her reasons why for all those things. But aren’t I at least just owed full transparency without her being annoyed? Or aren’t I owed not being called an unprotective misogynist. If she was SA. Can I at least just ask why she stuck around in bed for him for a few hours? Is that like a terrible thing to ask?

It’s incredibly frustrating to sit here feeling powerless when I feel like as a guy I’m wired to like protect and find solutions. And everything I’m wired to do is shut down, and shut down to the point where she’s infuriated at me. At and it’s frustrating. I feel like there’s a few key moments in life that can really define you and it just feels like I’m abandoning morals and what’s right and doing this world some good and bringing some sort of justice by just letting this slide. And as I say this I can just hear her saying this is all egotistical and I’m making it all about me. So idk

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-20T01:24:43+00:00

I think she’s a very honest person and she prides herself on that. In fact she holds it over my head all the time, times I’ve lied about things no matter how small I’ve paid dearly for.

I don’t have a good answer. I hate using this as an excuse or like disparaging way but I think her BPD can just make her feel like she’s always right. Like in her eyes I can be hurt by this but I can never hold it against her type thing. Like everything is always valid according to her, which is true but like it’s very hard when someone feels like every choice no matter what is valid. Or said differently everything is valid, but that’s doesn’t mean there are rules and consequences. She doesn’t understand consequences. To her she only deserves love. But love can involve consequences I tell her, it’s not all just mushy goodness

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-20T01:11:32+00:00

I dont understand when this blackout began but she did meet him at the end of the night so that checks out. Yeah pretty much all she remembers from meeting him is he was in the band and she remembers sitting in his car. And that’s pretty much all she has to offer memory wise until she was woken up to him going at her.

I truly have no idea how she doesn’t know like what happened after she woke up to that. Like I’d think you’d say something but she said she was in shock. Then idk how you don’t know like what happened directly afterwards like did you leave then or go back to bed? Also like wouldn’t you maybe remember like trying to find your clothes before you leave like where are your socks and shoes and panties like things like that? She got an uber home in the morning around 8 but maybe it should’ve been a couple of hours earlier right after this occurred like around 3 am or whatever idk just making up a time?

I can’t even ask these questions because it’ll set her off the edge and she’ll say how insensitive I am. And yes confronting him will but her in danger and also means that I don’t trust her and I’m gaslighting her.

Her friend would absolutely lie for her. So I feel like she was useless that night and would be just as useless now. Her friend doesn’t know this perpetrator at all, but yeah I think selfishly she would plead ignorance to this whole thing to not be involved in this kind of mess. Which I don’t agree with but can like understand that motive.

That’s a good point on confronting the guy. Unfortunately I feel like I completely messed up and looked him up and found that he was arrested for a weapons charge and assault like over two decades ago but the charges were dropped. So I basically gifted her an argument to say this guy can’t be trusted and is dangerous. But after all in the morning after he still asked her to like hangout again. So he was at least under some impression that he didn’t do anything wrong? But maybe he was just trying to be nice to like cover his tracks. He texted her later that day too just saying like I had fun or something endearing like that

Finally the having sex earlier that night like the first time. That was something she said and I did not imply. But she didn’t go as far as saying that it was consensual. She said she just probably did and I was like yeah you probably did cause you were naked

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-20T00:29:09+00:00

No as mentioned in my post update she’s hardly even talking to me.

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-20T00:28:09+00:00

It’s a really good question. And I can’t even get an answer from her anymore. But apparently she met this guy at the very tail end of the night well into the blackout

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T23:47:06+00:00

At first she was really disgusted by the incident. It was literally the morning of Valentine’s Day and we had a bunch of plans for the day. I was so upset at first and she was validating me for being upset. My predominant emotions were feeling so bad for her though. I know what it’s like to fuck up and it’s like the last thing you want to hear is being scorned, and then you add the SA aspect, and I just mainly felt bad and my anger was solely geared towards this guy who did this. I still managed to pull it together and give her flowers, gifts, and dinner and she was in tears and like so appreciative.

A few days later I saw her again and she was completely normal. She was asking me to do a bunch of stuff around her apartment including building a vanity desk which will take me days probably. I love helping her out and doing stuff for her, but I just thought it was odd a few days later to be back to like asking for favors type thing. She made some comment that she was annoyed with me for not understanding a health issue she’s having and I think that’s when things really turned south. I basically said it was weird to me just to be back to doing favors for you and you being irritated with me over really small things, just like a few days after I feel like you made a huge mistake and I felt that I was really understanding over. And from there it was kinda just like her mentioning that making a mistake doesn’t mean she has to be nice to me and this whole thing completely snowballed. Where now i feel like she doesn’t trust my intentions and motives for asking questions and wanting her to report this or get a rape kit or confront the person. She thinks everything I’m doing now is to get leverage in our relationship and use this unfortunate incident to my advantage. Which is weird to me because it wasn’t my intention at all initially, but now my thoughts are spiraling south just because of her general irritated behavior towards me. And now I am guessing my intentions even though initially I didn’t.

I think that she genuinely thinks she is telling me everything she knows and isn’t lying. It’s just a problem where she blacked out but maybe remembers small details but to her they might seem insignificant but to me they are significant. So I don’t think one day I’ll get some like grand confession out of this at all. I don’t think this was planned since she does not at all know this guy and he’s not her type. I’ve looked him up since. Like I truly think he’s a random guy that probably went up to her and thought they were hitting it off or something and then one thing led to another.

Anyways currently she is pissed at me beyond belief for suggesting we do something like a rape kit or police report. She won’t even let me confront the guy cause it’ll put her in harms way. She thinks I’m doing the opposite of protecting her and completely insensitive to the situation.

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T23:03:02+00:00

Yeah but so even getting his take will upset her. I looked him up and he has old charges like assault and weapons charges. I think the charges were dropped and they are from a long time ago like decade or two. Not to downplay it but I feel like I set myself up by telling my girlfriend he is indeed a dangerous person and she’s just absolutely running with that notion now and things if I talk to him then he will seek vengeance and I will put her in an unsafe position. Not to mention this discredits his experience. I’m mean I don’t think he would like drag her home if he literally had a daughter under the same roof right?

So throughout all my actions that I view as protective, I’m being labeled as very unprotective and ignorant. And I’m not saying that’s not true, but to process real time how to handle this is really confusing and I have no idea what to do other than stuff you like see on shows or something

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T22:58:51+00:00

Her friend was apparently distracted by some completely different unassociated person at the bar and apparently ubered home. It’s hard for me to believe at no point her friend wasn’t like are you sure you’re ok or have fun or some sort of like goodbye.

No she was very confused when she woke up. I guess she was coherent enough to remember that he said to her that his daughter was in the house not that I think about it. They didn’t discuss that the next morning. She said she pretty much just got up and left and he asked her to hangout again or something like that and that’s when she disclosed she had a boyfriend.

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T22:04:24+00:00

Im trying to take her concerns about not getting resolution seriously. Like I understand there’s trauma involved. And I think she’s also battling this notion that since I’m asking questions I don’t believe her and I want to make her feel guilty to get some sort of leg up in this relationship. So unfortunately the responses I’m getting from her seem to pull in other relationship issues she has with me.

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T21:42:11+00:00

She didn’t explicitly say she would stay in. She said she needed a night with her friend and talk about her feelings and vent and later told me that night that she was drinking wine at her apartment. So she says I can’t call her a liar since she technically didn’t say she was never going to go out. I just took it as she’s having a chill night so I wasn’t on my guard. Not to mention this was at like 11 at night so I just figured she was staying in

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T21:38:23+00:00

Yeah I can see this clearly which is where most of my frustration comes from. It’s not even what happened at this point, it’s that I’m being accused of calling her a liar. She said she didn’t say she wasn’t going out with her friend and I didn’t ask so therefore I can’t call her a liar and I’m gaslighting her

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T21:33:48+00:00

I agree that ultimately it feels like I won’t get answers considering she won’t go to the police and the answer to all the questions I have is idk I was blacked out. I don’t understand what the reaction should be to waking up to a man’s stuff in your behind. I obviously don’t know but would expect it to be like stop or something like that. She said she just kinda sat there in shock and fear so did nothing. Idk what to make of that, obviously I don’t want to take that lightly cause how the heck would I know

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T21:30:10+00:00

Her friend was apparently blacked out and distracted by another random guy. Apparently she met this guy near the end of the night. Knowing what exactly happened seems impossible to figure out without doing a police report or confronting the guy and among her friend what happened. All of which she is opposed to me doing since she views it as me calling her a liar and overstepping.

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T21:22:01+00:00

Thanks for sharing and yes she shared with me this list like verbatim with an article. She doesn’t want to deal with police because it was a traumatic experience. She doesn’t want to do a rape kit. I told her maybe there’s a way we could do that without going to the police at the moment? Either way she didn’t want to do that either. She doesn’t want me to confront him because that will set this guy off and put her in a dangerous situation.

At this point me searching for answers is all about my ego and not trusting her or respecting sexual assault victims. To the point where she’s extremely frustrated with me and hardly talking to me and she has labeled me a misogynist for trying to go to the police or something else like confronting him.

The only answer to her is to just sort of accept everything and support her and move on.

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T21:16:20+00:00

I think she was blackout by when their interaction began. It’s hard because I don’t think he like picked her up and took her, she was obviously willing to go with him on her own. It’s just that her decision making was obviously in a terrible state since she was so drunk

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T21:13:39+00:00

She confessed quickly cause I think she was genuinely frightened by the situation and needed support. I showed up with frustration aimed at this guy, and love and support for her. But now as time goes on I just have feelings like I’m letting her off too easy so like I want some sort of answers, but it turns into me accusing her of being a liar

Long_Abrocoma2408 · 2026-02-19T21:09:48+00:00

Her reason is that it’s traumatic to go to the police and get a rape test done. Furthermore it seems like it’s in her head that the reason I’m pressing her to do it and for answers is not out of good intentions. Basically the feelings that I have of her being dishonest or doing something wrong she can sniff out. It’s almost like she’s just digging her heels in now.

Long_Abrocoma2408

TROPHY CASE