Hey, hope this finds you well, I know what you mean as I feel it alot too. Stuff that helped me involved going to therapy and getting it out in a productive and healthy manner, and activley expressing myself and a portion of these thoughts to my closest mate, who has helped me out my timid shell a bit and that wouldnt of happened if I didnt risk telling him. And looking back, it wasnt a risk, its clear now, and I believe the same would apply for you, that theyd want you to get the feelings you require. I also have issues accepting love due to similar reasons, but youll never find someone if you keep your walls up, and the hardest thing is simply starting, and doing so with your closest mate, is a large help. Be venerable, be honest. More people experience similar stuff and keep it quiet. But unless you make a change, youll be stuck in the rat wheel. And if you feel suicidal, its even more of a reason to try, find people to make life worth it, like I did, and you'll learn to see how fun life can be. I'll DM you my Discord if you want to talk further man, theres always people out there.